As much as I enjoy life and find joy in even the little things, there are some things that just bring me a certain level of unhappiness. There are things that cause my stomach to clamp just thinking about them, things that just weigh me down. It's hard to explain why and honestly, I just don't want to examine those reasons now but I'm sure I'm not the only one who's found herself in this situation. You know how they say if you don't like something, change it? Yeah, well it's easier said than done, I can tell you that. I can't just change something without knowing exactly what I'll get in exchange. I'm an adult, not a child. And while there are some parts of adulthood I cherish above all else, such as my freedom and the control I have over my life, there are other parts that I don't like so much but recognize as being necessary.
Those "necessary parts" can sometimes cause you so much trouble though. And you start wondering if they're really worth it but the truth is, sometimes they are. Sometimes, you don't really have a choice but to stay and keep on keeping on. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes, you can't just take out the parts you don't like because you can't really be without them. No matter how much you hate thinking about them and what they involve, you can't just get rid of them, at least not right this minute.
I guess you can say that I have an acute sense of responsibility and because I do, I can't in all good conscience just throw away a perfectly good opportunity simply because it doesn't, in any way, bring me closer to my dreams. Although this opportunity may come with a stiff price tag, stress, loss of sleep, tiredness and irritability, I take it because it allows for some other things to happen. My chest may feel constricted, my face rigid and unsmiling, I seize this opportunity and step right in. I just don't know how not to seize an opportunity to make things better even when it comes at a personal price. For every moment I feel like giving up and walking away, I remind myself of all these other things this opportunity has allowed me to do, all these other things it is allowing me to do. And yet... If there was a way to walk away without feeling any guilt at all, without living with the fear of the unknown, I think I would actually do it. I would be bold enough, probably surprise a few people doing so but I would bravely turn my carriage around and go the other way. I would lead my horse to a brand new field and see what happens. I would let it be.
Would I have regrets? Maybe, I don't know. But I already have regrets now. Either way there'd be regrets. Once I go the other way, I may regret doing it but I tell you what I regret now: I regret not thinking this way much sooner, much earlier. I regret not having the guts to admit that I was making a mistake when I still had time to correct it. I regret not talking to more people and not asking more questions. Now, Here are two things that could have helped a great deal! But don't they say that "hindsight is always 20/20"? Humph.
So basically, I understand and accept that I feel a certain way towards some parts of my life. I'm a big girl. No time to sit down and wallow in misery but, although I understand why I feel the way I do and, as much as I'd like to "be the change I want to see", I just can't throw it all away. Because it would be irresponsible and, surprise, surprise, I'm pretty responsible. Who would have thought?
I tell you what though, next time my husband who, from the time we started dating, has always encouraged me to look beyond the practical and necessary, next time he points something out to me, I'll make sure to actually stop and really, really listen, really consider it. And that time may be sooner than you think.
January 5, 2014
January 2, 2014
Joy
If there's one thing I'm most thankful for it's Joy! Somehow, God managed to fill my heart with so much joy that even when I should be crying, I find reasons to smile, to enjoy life and I think that, my friends, is a true gift. It's not that I don't know pain, or don't react to pain, or don't feel pain but I like feeling joy and so I seek it, find it and recognize it in people and places.
When I think of what's most important to me, I think of my family: my husband, my son, my parents, my sibling, my friends. But when I think of something I like most about myself, I think of joy, this capacity to feel happiness at the sight of beautiful flowers, or, as defined by this website:
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/joyjoy (joi)
When I think of what's most important to me, I think of my family: my husband, my son, my parents, my sibling, my friends. But when I think of something I like most about myself, I think of joy, this capacity to feel happiness at the sight of beautiful flowers, or, as defined by this website:
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/joyjoy (joi)
n.
1.
a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v. joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr. Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
I do that. And I do it a lot. I like to live life fully, to enjoy every little moment. and you know what? I'm grateful for that, for the fact that I find pleasure in the most unexpected places, for the simplest reasons because I don't think I could be living my life, the life I have today, without carrying this joy in my heart. I live a pretty difficult life. I'm not going to pretend that I don't. And I know what they say: As a Christian, I have to bear my cross and I believe that too but, I don't have to like it, right? Well, thanks to joy, this ability to feel happiness, I go through my day with a fair amount of joy. I don't start my day telling myself I'm going to find joy today. I just seize opportunities, whether big or small, when they present themselves, do things that either make me smile, satisfy me on one level or another or, make me happy. For example, hugging my son, tickling him and kissing him make me happy. I enjoy doing these things to him. Because they make him smile, they make me smile and make me feel close to him. they make my husband smile, too and I feel like it's a good family moment. I don't do it all every day but I do pretty often. I enjoy teasing my husband and making him laugh. I enjoy having fresh flowers around the house and I buy them for myself, too, just because. I also enjoy eating ice cream, splashing the water with my feet, taking care of my plants and laughing when I watch old episodes of sitcoms I've seen a thousand times. Joy! I thank God for putting it in my heart.
Out with the Old? Not So Fast... Some Old Principles Still Guide Me.
I don't know when I started internalizing some of these principles but somewhere along the path of life, I began paying attention to some writings and sayings that I saw or heard here and there. Some resonated with me maybe because I was going through something at the time and it just made sense then. Some gave me pause and made me think about my own life and its direction. Some challenged me and pushed me to examine my inner thoughts. Some have been a part of me and have guided my steps like a lighthouse. Here they are, not necessarily in order of importance but rather in a random collection amassed across the years.
So my first one is Believe in something greater than you. A higher power, the power of love. Something that embodies all that is good and pure. I call it God. Other people may call it something else. But I call it God. I just find that believing in God and Having Faith, Divine Faith, helps. It anchors me and my beliefs. It guides me through all the good and the bad. It doesn't give me all the answers but it anchors me. It solidifies my life. Otherwise, I would have drowned a long time ago. I would have been some sort of "-'aholic" or other. Really. But My faith in God, in the power of good versus evil, in love, in the innate goodness of people has helped me. I pray. I talk to people, I share my story. I live life. I enjoy the good times. I hate the bad times but find hands to hold and smiles to warm my soul. I find strength.
And that leads to my other one: Enjoy! Life! Enjoy This Life! This One! The Very One You Are Living Right Now, Right This Minute! Not the one you are dreaming of. not the one you thought you should have but this one! Take Control of your circumstances and redefine your idea of joy. You may not be happy, may not have the heart, ability, will to be happy but you can find joy in the little things. See, I come from a place where there were many, many reasons for me to cry and be bitter. Things that happened to me that I don't really understand. Things that were beyond my control but the minute I had a little bit of freedom over my circumstances, even if it was just in my thoughts, I chose to live. Sometimes, I did it quietly by simply listening to a song on the radio and enjoying the sounds, the rhythm, the vibes. Sometimes, I did it loudly, with a crash and a bang by partying my head off, by dancing until I couldn't feel my feet anymore, by taking risks and venturing into the unknown. It didn't always work out well in those cases but I learned something every time. Live. Life. Fully. Enjoy the first signs of springs, the waves on a summer beach, the feel of the water on your skin, the heat of the sun on your face, the cold of a snowflake on your nose. Please live. It's important. Depression is only one moment away, never too far to take over. And, if you're feeling lonely and dejected, you are a prime target. Happy memories create this mental blanket to wrap yourself in when you're feeling blue. Well, maybe it won't work for you but it works for me.
Here's something else I'm discovering: All these sayings about life, happiness and how to be your best self are pretty accurate. Philosophers, life coaches, pastors and all these other folks did all the work and all I have to do is reflect, dig a little deeper. Well, the longer I live, the more I find their sayings to be true. I would love to argue that some of them don't make sense but I talk to a lot of different people. People who lean right, left or center, people who I call childhood friends, colleagues who became friends and friends from this last decade and according to them, happiness comes from all the things we read about in those self-help books and on the net:
Loving yourself, embracing yourself seems to be the path to a better life, better you. Embrace who you are, all of you, all the different, complex and complicated layers that make you who you are. And some parts of you might be less pleasant than others or more complicated but so what? They are a part of you and make you the person that you are so accept them. Try to be yourself ; it's the easiest way to be, isn't it? So if you find that you like to dance and read poetry but also find yourself cursing in your head at the driver who just cut you off, then be it. That's who you are. You gotta keep it real. If you're going to ignore those impulses every time they come up, you are really denying part of yourself, pretending to be someone else. No good can come from pretending to be someone you're not. I know it's hard to embrace all of you completely because it may just not fit other people's idea of you or even the image of yourself that you have but you can't improve on who you are until you've accepted every little part of you. Don't worry about meeting other people's expectations. Forget about what they say or who they say you are or should be. Be yourself as defined by you. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to be better but first accept who you are as an individual, the essence of you. If you don't know that much about you, then stop trying to be someone you don't know and discover yourself. That's important. You may just find that you have a fabulous mind, talent or potential. Really.
Be smart with your money dammit! Be financially responsible but keep your eyes open for opportunities, opportunities that may just make the difference between a comfortable and a difficult life. I started doing this way, way too late in my life. But now that I'm looking at my third year in my forties (sigh), I want to find ways to make things better for my family and for me. And I want to do it before I'm at the point where I can't remember what I meant to do with the money. Why not? If financial freedom means less stress and more control over parts of my life I can't control now, I'm definitely interested. Money matters. Money will not buy you happiness, that's true but it will reduce/eliminate many problems that are directly tied to it. Read bills, bills, bills!
L'exces en tout nuit. All that is excessive is cumbersome. That's the best I could come up with in terms of translation but boy oh boy do I agree with that one. It's true, Everything in excess becomes too much. It's true! Too much of anything basically keeps you from appreciating everything, OK! I'm talking from personal experience. Plus, you get the guilt that comes with it too. You want to have plenty. You want to do plenty, you want to give plenty but you (and I have to do learn to do this too; I'm not quite there yet) have to know when too much is too much. Otherwise, you may either 1) lose something or someone
2) hurt yourself or others
3) miss out on other opportunities
4) suffer from the consequences for a very, very long time.
Have Some Fun but don't go crazy. I can't tell you not to do anything stupid because you will. YOU WILL! But don't let it drag you down and don't go overboard. I thought I was crazy because my dad always said I was a rebel. Well, compared to the stuff that shows up in the news and on line, I was a pretty lame rebel. My dad was super strict and I just wanted some level of freedom. I can't use that rebel label at all when I compare myself to other rebels out there. In fact, I'm pretty middle of the road ordinary. I just like to have fun. I like to dance, I like to sing. I like to go out and I like to socialize. I like living. Just not in a way that involves imminent danger. I've done stupid; I've been stubborn but come to think of it, my only claim to fame was really nothing more than an imitation of a real crisis. It only lasted two months but it made a lot of noise. Other than that, It's been just a cycle of life events. life crisis and whatever else life chose to throw my way. Have some fun. It will do you good but don't go crazy.
Guard your privacy. Please! This is important. To the risk of appearing rude, turn down invitations from people you have absolutely no ties with on social media. If you are in the public eye, than create a public persona but guard your privacy. No need to give too much information about your life, your sorrows, and all of that. You never know what people are up to and what they may decide to do with your information. I have to remind myself to follow that one all the time. I may not be able to control what's out there. I have resigned myself to the fact that companies have accumulated a wealth of information about me but whenever and wherever possible, I put those privacy guards up. I don't know you like that lady. I will not come to your house for coffee. However, I will meet you in a public place to have that cup of Joe. I'm very wary of things that happen too fast. That's just me. So I follow my instinct on that one. Plus, I've had my credit cards stolen twice already. People hacked one of my accounts. I was a victim of identify theft more than once, enough times to understand the importance of protecting my privacy. Only share valuable information with those you know and know very well.
Here's another one I've learned: Not everything needs to be written down. In fact, you should definitely not write everything down, especially not on social media or even in a blog :-). Once you post it, it's here to stay so think hard, very hard about what you are putting out there in the net universe. Be prepared to explain, clarify or defend your point if needs be. It may happen so never say never.
The one I'm still working on is this one: Take care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. This one sounds like a given but I know many, way too many people in my circle alone who struggle with that one so I know I'm not alone. We are so busy. Those of us in our 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. We just let life take over and fail to take care of ourselves even when we know we should. I blame myself a lot for that and it doesn't matter what I say or what people say to me, I struggle with the guilt. That's just where I am right now. I feel like I should have known better than to let myself get to the point where something seems impossible. Not when I'm always scooting and snooping around the net, searching for and reading articles about the benefits of good health and good eating habits. I feel like I let myself down on this one but that's a whole other post. Back to this one.
Work hard. No one got what they wanted by not working hard and that's the truth. Just pick up any book at random, any book about anyone famous and you'll see for yourself. Work hard but know what you're working for. Work hard because you want to, because you have to, because it's the mean to an end. Work hard to get something you want, to ensure the future of your children, to buy the things you want or need, to make the world a better place. Don't lose sight of why you're working hard. Keep that at the forefront of your mind for those days when you just want to scream and kick out of frustration. Work hard but know when to stop. Listen to your body. Listen to it closely. The lower back pain, headaches and insomnia are sending you a message. Ease up a little. Getting sick won't help you get to the top and it certainly won't allow you to make enough money for that special project you have, let alone enjoy it. So yes, work hard but don't kill yourself doing it.
Don't just take from people. You can't just take and take without ever giving something in return. You don't have to give it to the same people you're taking from. You can give to someone else, completely unrelated to those who give to you but do give. It will make you feel good inside and God (or the universe) will return it to you tenfold.
Make friends. Humans are not meant to be alone. I think it's important to connect with other people. It helps us grow as individuals and, friends are good for the soul. Just make sure you use common sense. Don't invite complete strangers into your home. Let every relation follow its natural course and progress gradually. Again, keep your eyes open and follow your gut feeling. If your instinct screams "trouble" stay away! Refer back to my section about guarding your privacy.
This one is not as easy as it sounds. Filter through your priorities and decide what's important. Be honest with yourself. Take a good and hard look at your life. Take the time to examine each piece of information that lies there and ask yourself "does this matter, does it not? Once you've come up with an honest answer, Whatever your answer, you need to have a plan. Can you change anything? Improve on something that's already there? Pursue a goal that's been on your bucket list for a long time? Is there anything that needs your immediate attention? You will need time to answer these questions so find and make time. You need to make time. Filtering through your priorities, realigning and redefining them is important and can really impact your life. It's worth giving it your time and attention.
Here's another one I use: Have a sense of humor. You know how they say that laughter is good medicine for the soul? Well, I don't know if it's true but I think humor definitely lightens things up. To be able to laugh at yourself a little, to look a situation and see the humor in it, to laugh earthily at a joke. These all release good energy in the world. Laughing is a stress reliever, a good way to relax and unwind so try not to take yourself too seriously and laugh a little.
I only started using this principle ten years ago or so, but I think it's worth mentioning: Be aware and stay connected to the world. Know what's going on around you. What goes on in the world has ripple effects and may affect you on one level or another. Epidemics, wars, natural disaster, they all affect you one way or another. Today you might be the one donating money for a cause, for disaster relief, to help another. Tomorrow, it may be you waiting on help for complete strangers. You just never know. And at home, what goes on politically definitely affects you so be aware. Learn the facts, stay informed. Don't turn away from the news. You don't have to obsess over it but know enough to understand the issues. Don't pretend that what happens outside your house has nothing to do with your life because it does. Of course it does. You are part of this world. Decisions that are made affect you; what happens in this world affects you, not just you but your family, too.
My list can be quite extensive. There's so much to think about so I'll end with Try Something New. Adventure is always a welcome reprieve from life's routines. You may do something that sounds absolutely boring to someone else but if it is something you would never do because that's not your personality, it may be all the adventure you need. Go out there and discover something. It may not be new or crazy but, it will be worth it if you find it exciting and interesting.
Cheers!
So my first one is Believe in something greater than you. A higher power, the power of love. Something that embodies all that is good and pure. I call it God. Other people may call it something else. But I call it God. I just find that believing in God and Having Faith, Divine Faith, helps. It anchors me and my beliefs. It guides me through all the good and the bad. It doesn't give me all the answers but it anchors me. It solidifies my life. Otherwise, I would have drowned a long time ago. I would have been some sort of "-'aholic" or other. Really. But My faith in God, in the power of good versus evil, in love, in the innate goodness of people has helped me. I pray. I talk to people, I share my story. I live life. I enjoy the good times. I hate the bad times but find hands to hold and smiles to warm my soul. I find strength.
And that leads to my other one: Enjoy! Life! Enjoy This Life! This One! The Very One You Are Living Right Now, Right This Minute! Not the one you are dreaming of. not the one you thought you should have but this one! Take Control of your circumstances and redefine your idea of joy. You may not be happy, may not have the heart, ability, will to be happy but you can find joy in the little things. See, I come from a place where there were many, many reasons for me to cry and be bitter. Things that happened to me that I don't really understand. Things that were beyond my control but the minute I had a little bit of freedom over my circumstances, even if it was just in my thoughts, I chose to live. Sometimes, I did it quietly by simply listening to a song on the radio and enjoying the sounds, the rhythm, the vibes. Sometimes, I did it loudly, with a crash and a bang by partying my head off, by dancing until I couldn't feel my feet anymore, by taking risks and venturing into the unknown. It didn't always work out well in those cases but I learned something every time. Live. Life. Fully. Enjoy the first signs of springs, the waves on a summer beach, the feel of the water on your skin, the heat of the sun on your face, the cold of a snowflake on your nose. Please live. It's important. Depression is only one moment away, never too far to take over. And, if you're feeling lonely and dejected, you are a prime target. Happy memories create this mental blanket to wrap yourself in when you're feeling blue. Well, maybe it won't work for you but it works for me.
Here's something else I'm discovering: All these sayings about life, happiness and how to be your best self are pretty accurate. Philosophers, life coaches, pastors and all these other folks did all the work and all I have to do is reflect, dig a little deeper. Well, the longer I live, the more I find their sayings to be true. I would love to argue that some of them don't make sense but I talk to a lot of different people. People who lean right, left or center, people who I call childhood friends, colleagues who became friends and friends from this last decade and according to them, happiness comes from all the things we read about in those self-help books and on the net:
Loving yourself, embracing yourself seems to be the path to a better life, better you. Embrace who you are, all of you, all the different, complex and complicated layers that make you who you are. And some parts of you might be less pleasant than others or more complicated but so what? They are a part of you and make you the person that you are so accept them. Try to be yourself ; it's the easiest way to be, isn't it? So if you find that you like to dance and read poetry but also find yourself cursing in your head at the driver who just cut you off, then be it. That's who you are. You gotta keep it real. If you're going to ignore those impulses every time they come up, you are really denying part of yourself, pretending to be someone else. No good can come from pretending to be someone you're not. I know it's hard to embrace all of you completely because it may just not fit other people's idea of you or even the image of yourself that you have but you can't improve on who you are until you've accepted every little part of you. Don't worry about meeting other people's expectations. Forget about what they say or who they say you are or should be. Be yourself as defined by you. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to be better but first accept who you are as an individual, the essence of you. If you don't know that much about you, then stop trying to be someone you don't know and discover yourself. That's important. You may just find that you have a fabulous mind, talent or potential. Really.
Be smart with your money dammit! Be financially responsible but keep your eyes open for opportunities, opportunities that may just make the difference between a comfortable and a difficult life. I started doing this way, way too late in my life. But now that I'm looking at my third year in my forties (sigh), I want to find ways to make things better for my family and for me. And I want to do it before I'm at the point where I can't remember what I meant to do with the money. Why not? If financial freedom means less stress and more control over parts of my life I can't control now, I'm definitely interested. Money matters. Money will not buy you happiness, that's true but it will reduce/eliminate many problems that are directly tied to it. Read bills, bills, bills!
L'exces en tout nuit. All that is excessive is cumbersome. That's the best I could come up with in terms of translation but boy oh boy do I agree with that one. It's true, Everything in excess becomes too much. It's true! Too much of anything basically keeps you from appreciating everything, OK! I'm talking from personal experience. Plus, you get the guilt that comes with it too. You want to have plenty. You want to do plenty, you want to give plenty but you (and I have to do learn to do this too; I'm not quite there yet) have to know when too much is too much. Otherwise, you may either 1) lose something or someone
2) hurt yourself or others
3) miss out on other opportunities
4) suffer from the consequences for a very, very long time.
Have Some Fun but don't go crazy. I can't tell you not to do anything stupid because you will. YOU WILL! But don't let it drag you down and don't go overboard. I thought I was crazy because my dad always said I was a rebel. Well, compared to the stuff that shows up in the news and on line, I was a pretty lame rebel. My dad was super strict and I just wanted some level of freedom. I can't use that rebel label at all when I compare myself to other rebels out there. In fact, I'm pretty middle of the road ordinary. I just like to have fun. I like to dance, I like to sing. I like to go out and I like to socialize. I like living. Just not in a way that involves imminent danger. I've done stupid; I've been stubborn but come to think of it, my only claim to fame was really nothing more than an imitation of a real crisis. It only lasted two months but it made a lot of noise. Other than that, It's been just a cycle of life events. life crisis and whatever else life chose to throw my way. Have some fun. It will do you good but don't go crazy.
Guard your privacy. Please! This is important. To the risk of appearing rude, turn down invitations from people you have absolutely no ties with on social media. If you are in the public eye, than create a public persona but guard your privacy. No need to give too much information about your life, your sorrows, and all of that. You never know what people are up to and what they may decide to do with your information. I have to remind myself to follow that one all the time. I may not be able to control what's out there. I have resigned myself to the fact that companies have accumulated a wealth of information about me but whenever and wherever possible, I put those privacy guards up. I don't know you like that lady. I will not come to your house for coffee. However, I will meet you in a public place to have that cup of Joe. I'm very wary of things that happen too fast. That's just me. So I follow my instinct on that one. Plus, I've had my credit cards stolen twice already. People hacked one of my accounts. I was a victim of identify theft more than once, enough times to understand the importance of protecting my privacy. Only share valuable information with those you know and know very well.
Here's another one I've learned: Not everything needs to be written down. In fact, you should definitely not write everything down, especially not on social media or even in a blog :-). Once you post it, it's here to stay so think hard, very hard about what you are putting out there in the net universe. Be prepared to explain, clarify or defend your point if needs be. It may happen so never say never.
The one I'm still working on is this one: Take care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. This one sounds like a given but I know many, way too many people in my circle alone who struggle with that one so I know I'm not alone. We are so busy. Those of us in our 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. We just let life take over and fail to take care of ourselves even when we know we should. I blame myself a lot for that and it doesn't matter what I say or what people say to me, I struggle with the guilt. That's just where I am right now. I feel like I should have known better than to let myself get to the point where something seems impossible. Not when I'm always scooting and snooping around the net, searching for and reading articles about the benefits of good health and good eating habits. I feel like I let myself down on this one but that's a whole other post. Back to this one.
Work hard. No one got what they wanted by not working hard and that's the truth. Just pick up any book at random, any book about anyone famous and you'll see for yourself. Work hard but know what you're working for. Work hard because you want to, because you have to, because it's the mean to an end. Work hard to get something you want, to ensure the future of your children, to buy the things you want or need, to make the world a better place. Don't lose sight of why you're working hard. Keep that at the forefront of your mind for those days when you just want to scream and kick out of frustration. Work hard but know when to stop. Listen to your body. Listen to it closely. The lower back pain, headaches and insomnia are sending you a message. Ease up a little. Getting sick won't help you get to the top and it certainly won't allow you to make enough money for that special project you have, let alone enjoy it. So yes, work hard but don't kill yourself doing it.
Don't just take from people. You can't just take and take without ever giving something in return. You don't have to give it to the same people you're taking from. You can give to someone else, completely unrelated to those who give to you but do give. It will make you feel good inside and God (or the universe) will return it to you tenfold.
Make friends. Humans are not meant to be alone. I think it's important to connect with other people. It helps us grow as individuals and, friends are good for the soul. Just make sure you use common sense. Don't invite complete strangers into your home. Let every relation follow its natural course and progress gradually. Again, keep your eyes open and follow your gut feeling. If your instinct screams "trouble" stay away! Refer back to my section about guarding your privacy.
This one is not as easy as it sounds. Filter through your priorities and decide what's important. Be honest with yourself. Take a good and hard look at your life. Take the time to examine each piece of information that lies there and ask yourself "does this matter, does it not? Once you've come up with an honest answer, Whatever your answer, you need to have a plan. Can you change anything? Improve on something that's already there? Pursue a goal that's been on your bucket list for a long time? Is there anything that needs your immediate attention? You will need time to answer these questions so find and make time. You need to make time. Filtering through your priorities, realigning and redefining them is important and can really impact your life. It's worth giving it your time and attention.
Here's another one I use: Have a sense of humor. You know how they say that laughter is good medicine for the soul? Well, I don't know if it's true but I think humor definitely lightens things up. To be able to laugh at yourself a little, to look a situation and see the humor in it, to laugh earthily at a joke. These all release good energy in the world. Laughing is a stress reliever, a good way to relax and unwind so try not to take yourself too seriously and laugh a little.
I only started using this principle ten years ago or so, but I think it's worth mentioning: Be aware and stay connected to the world. Know what's going on around you. What goes on in the world has ripple effects and may affect you on one level or another. Epidemics, wars, natural disaster, they all affect you one way or another. Today you might be the one donating money for a cause, for disaster relief, to help another. Tomorrow, it may be you waiting on help for complete strangers. You just never know. And at home, what goes on politically definitely affects you so be aware. Learn the facts, stay informed. Don't turn away from the news. You don't have to obsess over it but know enough to understand the issues. Don't pretend that what happens outside your house has nothing to do with your life because it does. Of course it does. You are part of this world. Decisions that are made affect you; what happens in this world affects you, not just you but your family, too.
My list can be quite extensive. There's so much to think about so I'll end with Try Something New. Adventure is always a welcome reprieve from life's routines. You may do something that sounds absolutely boring to someone else but if it is something you would never do because that's not your personality, it may be all the adventure you need. Go out there and discover something. It may not be new or crazy but, it will be worth it if you find it exciting and interesting.
Cheers!
December 30, 2013
Si Tout est Vraiment Relatif...
Si tout est vraiment relatif, cela veut-il dire qu'un concepte absolu du bien ou du mal n'existe pas? Y a t-il des choses qui peuvent etre considerees comme bien alors que de part le monde, ells sont en general reconnues comme mal et vice-versa? Et ce qu'on appelle la voix de la conscience alors, qui en Anglais s'appelle "moral compass"? Est ce une invention? Je me demande... Puisque tout le monde questionne la validite de tout maintenant, sur quoi se base-t-on pour porter un jugement sur quoi que ce soit? Avons-nous simplement appris ce qui est bien ou mal a travers la societe ou nous evoluons ou fait-elle partie intrinseque de nous? On ne peut pas parler de joie sans parler de souffrance, n'est ce pas? La souffrance est un concepte universel. Tout le monde ressent la douleur physique qui fait souffrir. Tout le monde ressent le tourment de la faim. Si la souffrance existe, le contraire de la souffrance doit exister aussi. Donc, tout comme tout le monde ressent la souffrance, tout le monde ressent aussi la joie, la joie qui s'exprime lorsque nos besoins sont satisfaits, qu'il s'agisse be besoins physiques ou affectifs. Les variations viennent de nos differences culturelles et de ce que chaque personne considere necessaire a son Bonheur (facon de parler) mais en fait, il doit bien exister certains principes universels qui sont reconnus comme capables d'apporter du bonheur a tous les hommes, des situations qui provoquent les memes reactions de joie ou d'alegresse chez tous les hommes. C'est ce qui tisse la toile humanitaire qui nous unit, ce qui cree la difference entre l'Homo Sapiens et les autres especes animales je suppose. Il y a simplement trop d'arguments contre l'essence de la nature humaine... C'est comme si les gens ne prennent vraiment plus le temps de penser. Si nous etions supposes donner libre cours a tous nos instincts, nous n'aurions pas ressenti ce besoin de nous organiser aussitot arrives sur terre, n'aurions pas etabli des lois aussi primitives etaient-elles lors, aussitot que nous ayons ete assez nombreux pour former une tribu. Oui, nous sommes nes libres. Mais nous sommes aussi des individus geres par une conscience innee qui nous aide instinctivement a distinguer le bien et le mal. Il peut y avoir des nuances basees sur nos differences culturelles mais l'essence de ce qui est bien ou mal est en chacun de nous.
June 26, 2013
Learned, Tried and True
Life
can be as simple or as complicated as we make it and, if we consider the fact
that some things are inherently complicated, doesn’t it become even more
important to un-complicate the things we can? There are situations that are out
of our control and, when they do arise, these situations can bring to our
lives, an unimaginable level of complications along with anxiety, depression
and sometimes loss. So in light of all of this, why make mountains out of
molehills that are in fact just that, molehills? Sometimes, it’s better to step
away from a situation, distance ourselves from it so that we can look at the
whole picture for, once we start focusing on all the details, picking apart
every word, every action, every situation, we will almost always find cause for
discontent, almost always.
January 2, 2013
What Have I Learned from This Past Year?
So... A year has just ended and another one is just beginning. What have I learned from this past year? The truth? Pain. I learned a lot about pain this past year. I learned that pain is strong and real and scary. I think of PAIN in bold, fiery letters. I also think of FAITH and LOVE. I think of disappointment and deception. I think of all the ways life has me cornered, unable to do what I truly feel or want. I think of the ways I would change things if I could, the things I would bring forth in my life and that of the ones I love.
It's hard. It's no secret that it's been a tough year. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever known another year as tough as the one that just went by. True, the year I gave birth to my son 16 weeks early and lived through his 9 months of hospital stay was a tough one, too. But though I had many deeply emotional weeks, days, and moments, they somehow fade a little in comparison to the Pain I felt last year. The fear I knew, became intimately acquainted with this past year. I mean, I've felt pain and have been afraid before but never so ferociously or so suddenly. Sometimes, a situation develops and you can predict that pain will come at some point so you kind of steel yourself in expectation of the negative emotions you know are coming your way. But, sometimes, pain thunders through your life unannounced, uninvited, like a violent storm, a storm that threatens to completely destroy you, to toss you up in the air before slamming you down to the ground in thousands of broken pieces. I'm not sure I'm describing it correctly but yes, that's the kind of pain I felt this past year. And when you feel this kind of pain, it brings about a visceral fear. A fear of uncertainties, of horrific scenarios, fear of the future, fear of the present. This kind of pain brings about unreasonable wishes, crazy dreams of magical powers where you can change events with just the touch of a wand. It brings about an illogical desire to turn back time and set it to happier days when Pain was manageable and understandable.
It's not something you can really explain. I can't really explain it though I try. It's just an unbelievably scary, achingly dark feeling. I don't know what else to say about that.
And on the other side of pain there is Faith-Love-Despair and Hope all mixed into one. There is the light brought on by helping hands and soothing words, of caring shoulders and comforting words. There is the cross of Jesus Christ and the child like faith set in one's heart. There are rallies of prayers and phone calls and emails, the quiet presence of loving ones. It doesn't take away the pain but it helps you breathe through it all. It's suffocating at times the Pain, like barbed wire holding you hostage: Your nose, your neck, your mouth, your chest, a burning imprint on your heart and all of your senses, something that may even consume you whole if not for the hands holding you still.
I know of physical pain of course. Pain caused by an injury, a fall, a punch, an illness. Pain brought on by the lacerations of a whip or horrific harm done to ones' body. I know this pain is horrible, too. But emotional pain is right up there with the worst of them. The pangs of despair that come unannounced, that rob you of sleep and crash through your heart. And you're lying there wondering if they'll ever stop! If you'll ever stop feeling this hurt, this miserable.
Somehow you make it through. You don't know how, you're not sure how but you make it through the stormy days. God's Love and Mercy help you through. Love and Kindness sustain you. Faith gives you Hope to keep believing and somehow you make it through.
And you start laughing again one day. You remember what gives you joy, play some music, talk to some friends, watch a movie or read a book. You felt broken and now you're here. You're living life not knowing how and you look around with a smile knowing that God's Mercy is at work here.
It's hard. It's no secret that it's been a tough year. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever known another year as tough as the one that just went by. True, the year I gave birth to my son 16 weeks early and lived through his 9 months of hospital stay was a tough one, too. But though I had many deeply emotional weeks, days, and moments, they somehow fade a little in comparison to the Pain I felt last year. The fear I knew, became intimately acquainted with this past year. I mean, I've felt pain and have been afraid before but never so ferociously or so suddenly. Sometimes, a situation develops and you can predict that pain will come at some point so you kind of steel yourself in expectation of the negative emotions you know are coming your way. But, sometimes, pain thunders through your life unannounced, uninvited, like a violent storm, a storm that threatens to completely destroy you, to toss you up in the air before slamming you down to the ground in thousands of broken pieces. I'm not sure I'm describing it correctly but yes, that's the kind of pain I felt this past year. And when you feel this kind of pain, it brings about a visceral fear. A fear of uncertainties, of horrific scenarios, fear of the future, fear of the present. This kind of pain brings about unreasonable wishes, crazy dreams of magical powers where you can change events with just the touch of a wand. It brings about an illogical desire to turn back time and set it to happier days when Pain was manageable and understandable.
It's not something you can really explain. I can't really explain it though I try. It's just an unbelievably scary, achingly dark feeling. I don't know what else to say about that.
And on the other side of pain there is Faith-Love-Despair and Hope all mixed into one. There is the light brought on by helping hands and soothing words, of caring shoulders and comforting words. There is the cross of Jesus Christ and the child like faith set in one's heart. There are rallies of prayers and phone calls and emails, the quiet presence of loving ones. It doesn't take away the pain but it helps you breathe through it all. It's suffocating at times the Pain, like barbed wire holding you hostage: Your nose, your neck, your mouth, your chest, a burning imprint on your heart and all of your senses, something that may even consume you whole if not for the hands holding you still.
I know of physical pain of course. Pain caused by an injury, a fall, a punch, an illness. Pain brought on by the lacerations of a whip or horrific harm done to ones' body. I know this pain is horrible, too. But emotional pain is right up there with the worst of them. The pangs of despair that come unannounced, that rob you of sleep and crash through your heart. And you're lying there wondering if they'll ever stop! If you'll ever stop feeling this hurt, this miserable.
Somehow you make it through. You don't know how, you're not sure how but you make it through the stormy days. God's Love and Mercy help you through. Love and Kindness sustain you. Faith gives you Hope to keep believing and somehow you make it through.
And you start laughing again one day. You remember what gives you joy, play some music, talk to some friends, watch a movie or read a book. You felt broken and now you're here. You're living life not knowing how and you look around with a smile knowing that God's Mercy is at work here.
September 8, 2012
It's Election Season...
I'm not sure where to start. It's election season so everyone's pretty fired up. Democrats are defending their positions with fiery passion and republicans are attacking relentlessly. I've said it before but I do get tired of people trying to get fellow Americans to change party on the premise that their vision of life or, of what they stand for is more in alignment with whatever party they're not a part of at the time. Just let people embrace whatever fits their beliefs! Whatever works for you is for you alone. You fight for what you believe in and I'll fight for what I believe in.
I tend to avoid political discussions with friends, relatives and acquaintances who do not share my political beliefs. I find that it's just simpler that way. Now, I feel a lot more at ease carrying on a political discussion in the context of a political forum and love to watch and even at times, participate in the debate that usually follows political news.
I am a catholic Christian and God plays a very important role in my life but I can't vote republican. I think it's just hypocritical and I would love the chance to explain my position. I see many minority figures in the republican party, many of them are immigrants but nothing, nothing in the republican party's policies is geared towards helping immigrants. That's one. Second, I am pretty much against war unless I'm being attacked and need to defend myself. The republicans seems to revel in the idea of war-mongering and bring up the possibility of war whenever they are given a chance. Third, I worry about the environment which the republican party always seems to put on the back burner but I do worry about the ozone layer, our natural resources and using cleaner fuel. I wonder about the protection of earth's eco-system, wonder about the damage being done, what exactly earth will be like 20, 50, 100 years from now and whether my son, my nieces and nephews and all the kids from their generation will be able to walk and breathe clean air after I'm gone.
And, let's not forget: Education!!!!!!!!!!! I am a teacher. Even if I'm thinking about a change of career, I've taught long enough and can't help but react when I see, hear of, and feel the changes that the republican party makes to education. Whenever they're in power, education always gets the ax. They just don't seem to value it at all. Or rather, since many of them either live in affluent neighborhoods with good schools, send their kids to expensive, elite private schools or homeshool them, they fail to understand how important, how vital education is for the general population, for the ones who don't have other options. Why is that? They refuse to acknowledge the fact that seeking financial assistance to pay for college is something that more than half of college students do in order to complete their education and act as if everyone has the means to pay for a college education out of pocket. Yes, the government gives Pell grants, but that's almost never enough and most of the students who need the help to pay almost always end up taking out student loans. I never understood why college was so unaffordable to the average person but that's another story for another time. So, if the republican party is advocating that only those people who can pay for college themselves be the ones to attend, the country would in turn suffer a tremendous setback in terms of educated workforce and companies would go looking for qualified workers in countries that yield a higher percentage of college-educated people. And there would start another source of trouble for our economy.
I absolutely despise the way the republican party always finds ways to cut funds to education no matter what they are being used for. They find a way to cut education even in areas that already suffer from a lack of, or from not enough money but they do it anyway, they do it every time. And somehow, teachers always find themselves targeted as the reason why things aren't working. Public schools find themsleves in the hot seat and choice is offered as a solution. Choice schools or as we call them Charter schools are run by coroporations and claim to offer a better alternative than the failing neighborhood schools. Some do perform better than their local public schools. They are not required to abide exactly by the same regulations as their local public schools so they have the flexibility to adopt a different curriculum and discipline model. However, while charter schools do not charge students for attending their schools, they definitely find ways to make money off of these students. They are for-profit public schools. They are run by corporations and corporations have to make a profit. Why not apply some of the things that work in the successful charter schools to the failing public schools? No, instead we see a proliferation of charter schools mostly in poor, working class neighborhoods, many of them lacking in appropriate resources and services for the students they serve even when they, in fact tend to attract the students who actually require a high level of support if they are to succeed. They hire teachers at a lower salary than the traditional public schools because, again they have to make a profit and thanks to the downturn the economy took over 8 years ago, manage to attract qualified teachers because these teachers need a job, and can't find one in their local public schools. Why? Because of the cuts that are made to education. But yet, politicians, most of them republicans, go on blaming the teachers. That's why I want to leave teaching: It has become too politicized. I'm about the kids but they don't want me to work with the kids. They want me to abide by a bunch of senseless rules and that's how I'm being judged. I'm a good, caring, nurturing teacher if I am to believe parents and colleagues. I work hard to bring my students' grade up, to make sure they learn and walk way with new knowlege when they leave my class but republicans make it harder on me and others like me. I resent that. I often think about that and wonder whether any of the people coming up with these new rules are teachers, or have ever step foot in a classroom other than as a student, parent or politician looking for that photo op. Teachers spend hours upon hours of their personal time getting ready for lessons with students in mind but politicians, many of them republicans, argue that teachers have it way too easy the way they earn a living and advocate for performance-based raise and salary. Never mind that teachers are already at the bottom of the list when it comes to salary. They earn less than other professionals with a college degree in the course of their career and are required to pursue advance degrees for a chance to increase their earnings, thus putting even more strain on already streched salaries but it's never enough for republicans. It's almost as if teachers are the enemy, as if it's their fault schools are not performing up to expectations. I won't even get into all the variables that strongly impact education performance in children but I do wish republicans would go teach in the failing schools of their neighborhood and then, would love for them to come and talk to me.
And now, on to women's issues. I'm sorry, what is it with republicans and women???!!! What are they doing there? Why are they trying to turn the clock back on all the progress that's been made in regards to women's rights? We're still not at the mountain top and they're already trying to bring us back down. I can't support that. There's women pay and then, there's abortion and planned parenthood. You know what? I can't tell people what to do when it comes to abortion. I have no right. I am a Christian, yes I am. But God made us with free will and, I respect people's rights to choose. I certainly don't think I'm in a position to tell anyone how to live their lives or what to do. People have a right to choose according to their conscience and I don't agree with the republicans' approach to the whole question of abortion. Legal rape???!!! Seriously?!!! I can't begin to imagine what I would do, how I would feel and it's just a very, very personal choice. Plus, birth control. That's just an invasion of privacy in my view. And they(republicans) talk about not wanting government interference in their life. But yet, they're OK with telling everyone else how to live theirs? I don't think so. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
And please, VOTER'S RIGHTS!!!!!!! The way the republican party is trying to suppress the vote of minority and democrat-leaning pockets in different parts of the country is just shameful. It just infuriates me to see the shenanigans going on just to make it harder for people to vote. Republicans really don't want Obama to get a second term and they're risking everything to see that it doesn't happen. But history will judge this period of American politics and history is a merciless judge, isn't it? Something everyone needs to think about it anyway.
I have my convictions. While my husband bleeds democrat, I don't consider myself fanatical and try to look at things objectively. If the democrats mess up on an issue, I usually engage my husand in a debate about that. Some may even call me an independent I guess and maybe I am but, when it comes to party affiliations, I'm a democrat. I may not agree with everything they do (the democrats) but I definitely have more in common with them than I do with the republicans. I just don't believe in their ideology. They talk so much about God's teachings but seem to do exactly the opposite of these teachings. Based on my observations, republicans pretty much seem to believe and live by the motto "Every man/woman for himself or herself" and may the best one get ahead. C'mon. Read the bible. God doesn't do that. Jesus never preached that when He walked the earth. In fact, he preached the opposite. "Love thy brother as I have loved you". I always say that actions speak louder than words: If you're going to talk the talk, you've got to walk the walk. I believe in working hard and doing the best that I can for myself and for my family but does that mean I should just worry about me and never look back to lend a helping hand to those in need?
I don't need to get into the specifics of social problems and sociology 101 but how can a whole group be expected to rise from poverty without any sort of financial backing? Yes, everyone can work hard and become rich and live the American dream but it's easier to buy a restaurant, start up a business or afford a college education, where valuable connections are made, when your parents spend years saving for you. And yes, parents work hard to save that money for their kids; I work hard to pay for my son's therapy sessions but for many, many years, one group had access to many opportunities while another group was denied these opportunities. So for that group, only a few came out of poverty and moved up the social ladder while the other group kept moving ahead steadily. The group that had it tough for so long has made some progress, too but at a much slower rate/pace than the group that was given so many generous opportunities since the days of early America. This is not to say that the members of this group (opportunity), did not have to work hard, I know they did. but they were getting paid, they saw the fruits of their labor and there resides the main difference. They saw the fruits of their labor. Slaves waited how many years before getting paid for their labor??? How many? So yes, one group had a nice head start while the other joined in the game way, way later. I think things are starting to change. I think that maybe, hopefully, by the time my son's generation has its own kids, American society will be more pluralistic and equal in terms of education, opportunities and achievement but we're not there yet. Not by a long shot. But republicans refuse to acknowledge this reality. It's there, it's true, it's known but they refuse to address it. I can't vote for a party that does that!
Now, if the republicans start aligning themselves with these things I believe in, well, shoot, I'll become republican. If they start showing an interest in helping the poor and the destitute, the vulnerable and the weak, such as children and the elderly, if they start talking more about unity and less about war, and if somehow, the democratic party loses its way, and the republican party starts shifting gears and singing a different tune, then, maybe I'll embrace its policies. I know the democratic party has its flaws but I'll take what I consider the lesser of two evils, the one that speaks more to my conscience as a person and to my vision of the world over the one that is so dramatically opposite to my views. And God will judge me. No one else.
I tend to avoid political discussions with friends, relatives and acquaintances who do not share my political beliefs. I find that it's just simpler that way. Now, I feel a lot more at ease carrying on a political discussion in the context of a political forum and love to watch and even at times, participate in the debate that usually follows political news.
I am a catholic Christian and God plays a very important role in my life but I can't vote republican. I think it's just hypocritical and I would love the chance to explain my position. I see many minority figures in the republican party, many of them are immigrants but nothing, nothing in the republican party's policies is geared towards helping immigrants. That's one. Second, I am pretty much against war unless I'm being attacked and need to defend myself. The republicans seems to revel in the idea of war-mongering and bring up the possibility of war whenever they are given a chance. Third, I worry about the environment which the republican party always seems to put on the back burner but I do worry about the ozone layer, our natural resources and using cleaner fuel. I wonder about the protection of earth's eco-system, wonder about the damage being done, what exactly earth will be like 20, 50, 100 years from now and whether my son, my nieces and nephews and all the kids from their generation will be able to walk and breathe clean air after I'm gone.
And, let's not forget: Education!!!!!!!!!!! I am a teacher. Even if I'm thinking about a change of career, I've taught long enough and can't help but react when I see, hear of, and feel the changes that the republican party makes to education. Whenever they're in power, education always gets the ax. They just don't seem to value it at all. Or rather, since many of them either live in affluent neighborhoods with good schools, send their kids to expensive, elite private schools or homeshool them, they fail to understand how important, how vital education is for the general population, for the ones who don't have other options. Why is that? They refuse to acknowledge the fact that seeking financial assistance to pay for college is something that more than half of college students do in order to complete their education and act as if everyone has the means to pay for a college education out of pocket. Yes, the government gives Pell grants, but that's almost never enough and most of the students who need the help to pay almost always end up taking out student loans. I never understood why college was so unaffordable to the average person but that's another story for another time. So, if the republican party is advocating that only those people who can pay for college themselves be the ones to attend, the country would in turn suffer a tremendous setback in terms of educated workforce and companies would go looking for qualified workers in countries that yield a higher percentage of college-educated people. And there would start another source of trouble for our economy.
I absolutely despise the way the republican party always finds ways to cut funds to education no matter what they are being used for. They find a way to cut education even in areas that already suffer from a lack of, or from not enough money but they do it anyway, they do it every time. And somehow, teachers always find themselves targeted as the reason why things aren't working. Public schools find themsleves in the hot seat and choice is offered as a solution. Choice schools or as we call them Charter schools are run by coroporations and claim to offer a better alternative than the failing neighborhood schools. Some do perform better than their local public schools. They are not required to abide exactly by the same regulations as their local public schools so they have the flexibility to adopt a different curriculum and discipline model. However, while charter schools do not charge students for attending their schools, they definitely find ways to make money off of these students. They are for-profit public schools. They are run by corporations and corporations have to make a profit. Why not apply some of the things that work in the successful charter schools to the failing public schools? No, instead we see a proliferation of charter schools mostly in poor, working class neighborhoods, many of them lacking in appropriate resources and services for the students they serve even when they, in fact tend to attract the students who actually require a high level of support if they are to succeed. They hire teachers at a lower salary than the traditional public schools because, again they have to make a profit and thanks to the downturn the economy took over 8 years ago, manage to attract qualified teachers because these teachers need a job, and can't find one in their local public schools. Why? Because of the cuts that are made to education. But yet, politicians, most of them republicans, go on blaming the teachers. That's why I want to leave teaching: It has become too politicized. I'm about the kids but they don't want me to work with the kids. They want me to abide by a bunch of senseless rules and that's how I'm being judged. I'm a good, caring, nurturing teacher if I am to believe parents and colleagues. I work hard to bring my students' grade up, to make sure they learn and walk way with new knowlege when they leave my class but republicans make it harder on me and others like me. I resent that. I often think about that and wonder whether any of the people coming up with these new rules are teachers, or have ever step foot in a classroom other than as a student, parent or politician looking for that photo op. Teachers spend hours upon hours of their personal time getting ready for lessons with students in mind but politicians, many of them republicans, argue that teachers have it way too easy the way they earn a living and advocate for performance-based raise and salary. Never mind that teachers are already at the bottom of the list when it comes to salary. They earn less than other professionals with a college degree in the course of their career and are required to pursue advance degrees for a chance to increase their earnings, thus putting even more strain on already streched salaries but it's never enough for republicans. It's almost as if teachers are the enemy, as if it's their fault schools are not performing up to expectations. I won't even get into all the variables that strongly impact education performance in children but I do wish republicans would go teach in the failing schools of their neighborhood and then, would love for them to come and talk to me.
And now, on to women's issues. I'm sorry, what is it with republicans and women???!!! What are they doing there? Why are they trying to turn the clock back on all the progress that's been made in regards to women's rights? We're still not at the mountain top and they're already trying to bring us back down. I can't support that. There's women pay and then, there's abortion and planned parenthood. You know what? I can't tell people what to do when it comes to abortion. I have no right. I am a Christian, yes I am. But God made us with free will and, I respect people's rights to choose. I certainly don't think I'm in a position to tell anyone how to live their lives or what to do. People have a right to choose according to their conscience and I don't agree with the republicans' approach to the whole question of abortion. Legal rape???!!! Seriously?!!! I can't begin to imagine what I would do, how I would feel and it's just a very, very personal choice. Plus, birth control. That's just an invasion of privacy in my view. And they(republicans) talk about not wanting government interference in their life. But yet, they're OK with telling everyone else how to live theirs? I don't think so. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
And please, VOTER'S RIGHTS!!!!!!! The way the republican party is trying to suppress the vote of minority and democrat-leaning pockets in different parts of the country is just shameful. It just infuriates me to see the shenanigans going on just to make it harder for people to vote. Republicans really don't want Obama to get a second term and they're risking everything to see that it doesn't happen. But history will judge this period of American politics and history is a merciless judge, isn't it? Something everyone needs to think about it anyway.
I have my convictions. While my husband bleeds democrat, I don't consider myself fanatical and try to look at things objectively. If the democrats mess up on an issue, I usually engage my husand in a debate about that. Some may even call me an independent I guess and maybe I am but, when it comes to party affiliations, I'm a democrat. I may not agree with everything they do (the democrats) but I definitely have more in common with them than I do with the republicans. I just don't believe in their ideology. They talk so much about God's teachings but seem to do exactly the opposite of these teachings. Based on my observations, republicans pretty much seem to believe and live by the motto "Every man/woman for himself or herself" and may the best one get ahead. C'mon. Read the bible. God doesn't do that. Jesus never preached that when He walked the earth. In fact, he preached the opposite. "Love thy brother as I have loved you". I always say that actions speak louder than words: If you're going to talk the talk, you've got to walk the walk. I believe in working hard and doing the best that I can for myself and for my family but does that mean I should just worry about me and never look back to lend a helping hand to those in need?
I don't need to get into the specifics of social problems and sociology 101 but how can a whole group be expected to rise from poverty without any sort of financial backing? Yes, everyone can work hard and become rich and live the American dream but it's easier to buy a restaurant, start up a business or afford a college education, where valuable connections are made, when your parents spend years saving for you. And yes, parents work hard to save that money for their kids; I work hard to pay for my son's therapy sessions but for many, many years, one group had access to many opportunities while another group was denied these opportunities. So for that group, only a few came out of poverty and moved up the social ladder while the other group kept moving ahead steadily. The group that had it tough for so long has made some progress, too but at a much slower rate/pace than the group that was given so many generous opportunities since the days of early America. This is not to say that the members of this group (opportunity), did not have to work hard, I know they did. but they were getting paid, they saw the fruits of their labor and there resides the main difference. They saw the fruits of their labor. Slaves waited how many years before getting paid for their labor??? How many? So yes, one group had a nice head start while the other joined in the game way, way later. I think things are starting to change. I think that maybe, hopefully, by the time my son's generation has its own kids, American society will be more pluralistic and equal in terms of education, opportunities and achievement but we're not there yet. Not by a long shot. But republicans refuse to acknowledge this reality. It's there, it's true, it's known but they refuse to address it. I can't vote for a party that does that!
Now, if the republicans start aligning themselves with these things I believe in, well, shoot, I'll become republican. If they start showing an interest in helping the poor and the destitute, the vulnerable and the weak, such as children and the elderly, if they start talking more about unity and less about war, and if somehow, the democratic party loses its way, and the republican party starts shifting gears and singing a different tune, then, maybe I'll embrace its policies. I know the democratic party has its flaws but I'll take what I consider the lesser of two evils, the one that speaks more to my conscience as a person and to my vision of the world over the one that is so dramatically opposite to my views. And God will judge me. No one else.
May 1, 2012
I'm Still Lucky Enough to Be Married to A Great Guy
The other part of me. I almost lost it. This part that is vital to my happiness, the other half of my heart... It's been five months since I last posted on this blog and I consider it a special blessing that I'm able to do so today. Because truth be told, I'm not sure I would have gone back to blogging if my worst fears had materialized, at least not for awhile. It was such a close call. I don't know how it is for other people but for me, I never fully understood the depth of my love for my other half until that moment when loosing him became a very real possibility. In my heart, there's still shock, and disbelief and just confusion... And gratitude, and surprise and just shock... Still. It came out of nowhere, disguised as a cold. Completely hidden under coughs and drowsiness. I had no clue. I knew something was amiss, but what ended up happening was what I expected the least. It came from nowhere and hit me upside the head, threw me down and I thought I would stop breathing. It was one of the scariest, craziest, weirdest days I have ever lived. You know, I had this kind of day before. When C was still in the NICU(Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), I got a phone call urging me to come to the hospital because he couldn't breathe; the nurses and doctors were at his bedside trying to oxygenate but he wasn't getting better. They were fearing the worst. It was a nightmare then. It really was. It's still a pretty tough thing to think about so when this happened, this new, crazy, disbelievable moment when I was told almost the same thing...I felf like it was deja vu, like: Wait a minute! I've been here before, I've been in a place where they wanted me te be prepared for the worst. Oh No, no, no!!!!!!!!!!! Not again.... Not him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my head just exploded. I felt like a gunshot had gone through it and it was just painfulf, sheer, absolute pain. I just could not bring myself to listen to anymore of this nonsense. I refused to listen. I just couldn't. I walked away. I had a friend with me and I know she held me up but I wanted her to let me go. I just wanted to hide from this nightmarish possibility. I wanted to crawl in a hole, under a chair, under a bed and just close my eyes. It was the same as before but worst, more intense. It was like my arms had been cut off. I became limp I think and I really don't remember what happened. I know people were there. I remember people coming and I couldn't keep my composure. Me, who actually don't like to show emotion in front of stangers... It was just one of those things where I could not control the reaction. And I really did not want to talk. But I had to. Had to because just like I had to for C, I had to make decisions quickly, and pray hard to fight hard. I really don't know why God feels I can handle all of this because I feel, felt broken. Broken then and broken again when this happened. I really get it you know. I get how people feel when they get bad news. I get how they feel and imagine that, for the ones who experience the actual loss, the pain has to be even worse, more intense. Because I came so close... But, Thank You God, here I am writing about this today. Still weak from it all, still walking the path but so glad my fears did not materialize. So very lucky and thankful, grateful.
November 30, 2011
Five weeks already
Just like that, five weeks ago my life went from routine to unpredictable. I was called into my boss' office to find out that I was being let go because of budget cuts. Now, that's the simplified version. There's more to the story but I can't get into all of it now. So to go back to that moment in my boss' office. Was I surprised? Heck Yeah!!! I'd been working there for five years and had just started my sixth which I was hoping to complete. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't an ideal situation. Far from it. But I had made up my mind that having a job was better than having no job at all, especially because it allowed me to take care of a few extras for C. Plus, I was getting the experience I needed as someone who was new to the area and whose work expertise came mostly from the northeast where I started my career.
Looking back, I wonder if I did not make a mistake choosing to work close to home instead of looking for something that could have been better but further away. When I was ready to go back to work, I went to many job fairs and whenever I was lucky enough to get some face time, I always made a favorable impression. However, I found out really quickly that my experience, which up north was a plus, down here was a hindrance. Sure, administrators liked me but guess what they didn't like? The fact that I commanded a higher salary because of an advanced degree and years of experience. That sucked!!! There were a few places that were willing to hire me but these were usually located in rough areas and a lot further than I wanted them to be. At that time, all I was thinking about was C. What if C got sick and needed to be picked up from school? What if he had an asthma attack? What if this? What if that? I could not stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my son as I was getting ready to reenter the job market and I must admit that he was a determining factor of what job offer I would or would not accept. By then, I had been a stay at home mom for two and half years and was feeling apprehensive at the idea of not being around to watch over him even though he would be in preschool. Remember, C had only come home for the first time after nine months of hospital stay. He had been on oxygen and a vent for 16 months and had had a trach for two years. He had had major reconstructive surgery only 10 months before I went back to work. Even though he no longer had a trach, was no longer on a vent, did not have a nurse anymore and was finally getting to be like a regular kid, I was still afraid to leave him alone. So when I found out about this job, the one I just lost, I felt it was the answer to my prayers. It was only ten minutes from my house, ten minutes from C's preschool, just what I wanted. Well, just what I wanted in terms of location but definitely not in terms of compensation.
Still, this was going to be my first job as a woman with a child and since I had never done that before, had never been a working mom until then, I wasn't sure what to expect and so it was just as well to go with something a little different... I figured it would give me time to adjust while I learned to juggle career and motherhood. And Oh Boy, did I have to learn! It wasn't that everything was new to me. Technically, I was working in a field I had been trained for but let's just say, it was a different branch or division so some things were done differently and the expectations were different. It was my first time working with a start-up company and I found out there were many kinks to work out. I wasn't used to it but figured I'd use it as a learning opportunity and I did. It was tough. There were times when I would go almost an entire day without as much as a bathroom break. Then, because of the nature of the job, there were times I had to stay late just to finish my work. Fridays were always my late days. And when I say late, I mean Late, late days. We're talking 7:00 pm late when regular working hours were over at 3:30 pm. But I had to do what I had to do and since I was always running from one therapy session to the next with C every other day, I decided that Friday would be my "catch up" day. That was in addition to any work I had to take home because sometimes, I just needed to or I would have never left the place.
And so it went... And before you knew it, I had been there five full years. It wasn't that I didn't look for other jobs. I did. As C got better, I grew more comfortable with the idea of going a little further to find a better job. Every year, I would try to find and apply for other positions but budget cuts started, the economy took a hit and every industry suffered... I was essentially stuck. Not a good feeling to have. Although I liked my job, I felt I was working very hard for very little and, resented the fact that it was eating away at my family life. Still, I could not just slack off and, even when it meant staying up entire nights, I completed assignments and met deadlines. I did my job. I didn't spend too much time thinking about how my co-workers saw me or what they thought of me. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like me but I talked to everybody. Why not? Life was hard enough without going around trying to handpick who I would or would not talk to. I just didn't have the time nor the desire for such pesky things. So I guess I can say that I got along fairly well with everyone... It wasn't until some colleagues, parents and other folks started complimenting me that I realized that they saw me as a "good worker". OK... And then I moved on. It kind of went to the back of my mind because the job itself was so time-consuming, it required all of my attention.
And that's the job from which I was laid off, the job I lost.
Now I'm kind of just reassessing my priorities. Not that I don't need a job. Wish I didn't but I do... Our family needs the money. In fact, I kind of panicked at first and thought about getting any job I could get my hands on because I could not see myself just staying home after getting up every morning to go to work for the last five years and three months. And also...This may sound weird but I'm going to say it: I was ashamed. Ashamed to be out of work, ashamed to not have been good enough to keep my job. I knew better. I knew I was more than good enough for that job, but at the time, as I was sitting in that chair facing my boss, listening to him trying to explain why he had to let me go, listening to so many excuses that really did not make sense, it stung. It stung that he did not deem me good enough to keep, stung that I was the one he chose to cut from the staff to balance the budget even though we both knew I should have been the last one to go. I was offended, surprised because in truth, I knew I brought a lot to the table, had a lot more to offer than others, knew that I was dedicated, dependable, qualified and maybe because I knew, it hurt even more. But by the same token, knowing was what gave me strenght. Because I knew who I was and the kind of person I was, because I knew that my work talked for itself, I refused to engage in undignified begging, refused to shed a tear as I walked out of the office. As I got up to leave, I remember thinking: "you just lost a damn good employee and many people are going to be upset but you make your bed, you sleep in it". By the time the next week came around my feelings of embarrassment submerged me. Here I was, someone that many considered a really good employee, a professional and I had been axed. I wondered what my colleagues were thinking...But not for long. I had to face a wave of rumors, confront them, clarify and rectify them. I was happy that I was able to set things straight, saw that last week as an opportunity to clear my name and debunk some of the lies that were suddenly being told to justify the decision to let me go. I got to say goodbye to many of the people I had worked with the last couple of years, got to say goodbye to my kids, got every paper in working order and cleaned up my room really good. I left the place under a pouring rain but certain that I had left everything as it should be. Now, I'm going to listen to the people who really care about me, I'm going to follow their advice and I'm going to take the time to really look and think about what I want to do, what I can do, explore other areas as well. This layoff may have been the push I needed to get out of my comfort zone and really go beyond the familiar. Don't get me wrong... It doesn't make what happened or the way it happened any better. But since I tend to see the glass half-full, this will hopefully turn into a blessing in disguise. From my lips to God's Ears.
Looking back, I wonder if I did not make a mistake choosing to work close to home instead of looking for something that could have been better but further away. When I was ready to go back to work, I went to many job fairs and whenever I was lucky enough to get some face time, I always made a favorable impression. However, I found out really quickly that my experience, which up north was a plus, down here was a hindrance. Sure, administrators liked me but guess what they didn't like? The fact that I commanded a higher salary because of an advanced degree and years of experience. That sucked!!! There were a few places that were willing to hire me but these were usually located in rough areas and a lot further than I wanted them to be. At that time, all I was thinking about was C. What if C got sick and needed to be picked up from school? What if he had an asthma attack? What if this? What if that? I could not stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my son as I was getting ready to reenter the job market and I must admit that he was a determining factor of what job offer I would or would not accept. By then, I had been a stay at home mom for two and half years and was feeling apprehensive at the idea of not being around to watch over him even though he would be in preschool. Remember, C had only come home for the first time after nine months of hospital stay. He had been on oxygen and a vent for 16 months and had had a trach for two years. He had had major reconstructive surgery only 10 months before I went back to work. Even though he no longer had a trach, was no longer on a vent, did not have a nurse anymore and was finally getting to be like a regular kid, I was still afraid to leave him alone. So when I found out about this job, the one I just lost, I felt it was the answer to my prayers. It was only ten minutes from my house, ten minutes from C's preschool, just what I wanted. Well, just what I wanted in terms of location but definitely not in terms of compensation.
Still, this was going to be my first job as a woman with a child and since I had never done that before, had never been a working mom until then, I wasn't sure what to expect and so it was just as well to go with something a little different... I figured it would give me time to adjust while I learned to juggle career and motherhood. And Oh Boy, did I have to learn! It wasn't that everything was new to me. Technically, I was working in a field I had been trained for but let's just say, it was a different branch or division so some things were done differently and the expectations were different. It was my first time working with a start-up company and I found out there were many kinks to work out. I wasn't used to it but figured I'd use it as a learning opportunity and I did. It was tough. There were times when I would go almost an entire day without as much as a bathroom break. Then, because of the nature of the job, there were times I had to stay late just to finish my work. Fridays were always my late days. And when I say late, I mean Late, late days. We're talking 7:00 pm late when regular working hours were over at 3:30 pm. But I had to do what I had to do and since I was always running from one therapy session to the next with C every other day, I decided that Friday would be my "catch up" day. That was in addition to any work I had to take home because sometimes, I just needed to or I would have never left the place.
And so it went... And before you knew it, I had been there five full years. It wasn't that I didn't look for other jobs. I did. As C got better, I grew more comfortable with the idea of going a little further to find a better job. Every year, I would try to find and apply for other positions but budget cuts started, the economy took a hit and every industry suffered... I was essentially stuck. Not a good feeling to have. Although I liked my job, I felt I was working very hard for very little and, resented the fact that it was eating away at my family life. Still, I could not just slack off and, even when it meant staying up entire nights, I completed assignments and met deadlines. I did my job. I didn't spend too much time thinking about how my co-workers saw me or what they thought of me. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like me but I talked to everybody. Why not? Life was hard enough without going around trying to handpick who I would or would not talk to. I just didn't have the time nor the desire for such pesky things. So I guess I can say that I got along fairly well with everyone... It wasn't until some colleagues, parents and other folks started complimenting me that I realized that they saw me as a "good worker". OK... And then I moved on. It kind of went to the back of my mind because the job itself was so time-consuming, it required all of my attention.
And that's the job from which I was laid off, the job I lost.
Now I'm kind of just reassessing my priorities. Not that I don't need a job. Wish I didn't but I do... Our family needs the money. In fact, I kind of panicked at first and thought about getting any job I could get my hands on because I could not see myself just staying home after getting up every morning to go to work for the last five years and three months. And also...This may sound weird but I'm going to say it: I was ashamed. Ashamed to be out of work, ashamed to not have been good enough to keep my job. I knew better. I knew I was more than good enough for that job, but at the time, as I was sitting in that chair facing my boss, listening to him trying to explain why he had to let me go, listening to so many excuses that really did not make sense, it stung. It stung that he did not deem me good enough to keep, stung that I was the one he chose to cut from the staff to balance the budget even though we both knew I should have been the last one to go. I was offended, surprised because in truth, I knew I brought a lot to the table, had a lot more to offer than others, knew that I was dedicated, dependable, qualified and maybe because I knew, it hurt even more. But by the same token, knowing was what gave me strenght. Because I knew who I was and the kind of person I was, because I knew that my work talked for itself, I refused to engage in undignified begging, refused to shed a tear as I walked out of the office. As I got up to leave, I remember thinking: "you just lost a damn good employee and many people are going to be upset but you make your bed, you sleep in it". By the time the next week came around my feelings of embarrassment submerged me. Here I was, someone that many considered a really good employee, a professional and I had been axed. I wondered what my colleagues were thinking...But not for long. I had to face a wave of rumors, confront them, clarify and rectify them. I was happy that I was able to set things straight, saw that last week as an opportunity to clear my name and debunk some of the lies that were suddenly being told to justify the decision to let me go. I got to say goodbye to many of the people I had worked with the last couple of years, got to say goodbye to my kids, got every paper in working order and cleaned up my room really good. I left the place under a pouring rain but certain that I had left everything as it should be. Now, I'm going to listen to the people who really care about me, I'm going to follow their advice and I'm going to take the time to really look and think about what I want to do, what I can do, explore other areas as well. This layoff may have been the push I needed to get out of my comfort zone and really go beyond the familiar. Don't get me wrong... It doesn't make what happened or the way it happened any better. But since I tend to see the glass half-full, this will hopefully turn into a blessing in disguise. From my lips to God's Ears.
September 19, 2011
What Happens to Real Joy and All of That Good Stuff When Women Get Together?
As women, we are all guilty of it, myself included. We come together as a group and almost immediately, the cattiness begins: The dirty looks, the snide remarks, the inside jokes meant to make others feel left out. We sputter our rosary or bible verses like there is no tomorrow. We pepper the day with inspirational quotes but seem to forget all about them when we are together. We seek peace and tranquility, inner joy is the goal yet, we're not afraid to show our teeth whenever we're together. What happens to serenity, harmony and all of that good stuff when we are together? What happens to karma and what goes around comes around? We talk the talk but are we walking the walk? What is it? What is it that makes us want to get to each other that way? Why do we act one way when we are alone and transform into completely different, barely recognizable individuals when we are together? Are we caught in the moment? And when in the moment, are we losing sight of the bigger picture? The picture of who we want to be? Who we perceive ourselves to be as women?
We all like to paint a pretty picture of ourselves in the private mirror in our head. It's all about self-esteem of course. And why shouldn't we boost ourselves up by perceiving ourselves as caring, loving, supportive women? We work hard. Many of us have the difficult task of raising a family sometimes on our own. We go to school while holding full-time jobs so yes Darn it we deserve the praise! We are strong, capable and resourceful individuals. We carry a heavy load. And now, we also aim for something higher. We want true joy. We have embarked on a quest to find what makes life worth living and to help us in our quest, we've surrounded ourselves with strong, positive role-models that can motivate us when we are just too tired to do it by ourselves.
Yet, when it comes down to it, we are only too quick to turn on each other. The yoga classes and breathing techniques we've been practicing are sorely lacking in their power to help us channel our energy positively and we're back to talking about each other, comparing each other or rather, making sure that we do not get compared to each other at all. Huh Huh, OH NO! Calamity of all calamities! How could they compare us to each other? We're not like each other. We have "SO" moved on from this type of behavior! How dare people even think such a thing? Yes, we have moved on. We've moved on to a more refined, more subtle way to get to each other. We do it by pretending that we are okay with each other when really we are not. We do it by ignoring our differences and indirectly ignoring each other but, we don't actually stop talking to each other. That would show that somehow we've let someone else steal our joy and in this day and age of seeking harmony and serenity, that would just be ridiculous, laughable, unbelievable. Instead, we acknowledge each other with a mundane hello and a quick "how are you" just for the sake of civility, to prove that we are mature and wise, to show that we don't let people get to us even even if we have to grind our teeth and suffer through a conversation.
We don't hate each other; hate is such a strong word. And plus, it would imply that we are being affected negatively by people who really don't matter and if we let that happen, well, they would be stealing our joy wouldn't they? And that's just not going to happen right? So, we can't hate each other. We just dream about ripping each other's eyes out in secret. Wish we could wipe that stupid smile off of each other's faces whenever we cross path and just wonder about the truth behind the words we say to each other, secretly hoping to find fault with them. There may be a burning hope inside us to hear that some of us are not doing as well as they could or should be doing because that would vindicate us for that time they talked down to us, made fun of us, lied to us or about us, wronged us or plain hurt us. We may not admit it because the feeling is so ugly but it happens all the same, sometimes unconsciously We don't want to talk about other women if they're doing well but we'll listen with seemingly bored interest but vengeful glee and inner satisfaction if they're in trouble. We don't go as far as wishing they were dead, commiserate even when evil befalls them or their loved ones, after all there are things we don't wish on our worst enemies but if there's a reason why, we'd like to see them squirm or struggle if only a little.
And the reality is that sometimes there may be a reason. There may be a valid reason why some of us can't bring ourselves to genuinely smile at another woman, a serious reason why we can't stand to be near someone in particular. But when that is the case, we rarely find ourselves in each other's company, usually strive to live our lives away from each other so these would not be the women we would be greeting with air kisses and fake smiles. Not the women we would see at parties because we run in the same circles. No. These would be the women we meet regularly or occasionally, the women we keep in touch with via email or chat with when we are on line. The women we run into at social events, direct sales home parties and motivational seminars.
We are alike in so many ways, want so many of the same things but seem to lose our way when we are together. What is it that causes this to happen? Is it competition? Is it our ego? Is it the "who do you think you are trying to tell me what to do or how to do it" tidbit of our ego that has us ready to rebut every argument while pretending to keep our cool? ( I am so guilty of that!) Is it our ego that has us acting cynically, giving each other the cold shoulder while never discussing the real reason why? Or is it a false sense of superiority? Some misguided sense of entitlement? Some idea that we are better than other women because of our looks, our money, our last names, our connections or our accomplishments? We find so many ways to put each other down and we do it, oh so well when we get together. It finds its way in the middle of a conversation, is dropped as a comment, a look, a disdainful greeting. We know how to make each other feel bad without saying a word. We look through each other but not at each other, use that vague, distant look that sweeps all over us, do not show any smile nor any awareness. We forget to be kind. Kindness is for others, for the poor or the sick, the fragile and the weak. But if our life is decent, if we're doing okay, then we can take a punch. We learn to be sarcastic, staying at the edge of propriety but knowing fully well that there's bad blood brewing. Yet, we are seeking inner peace and tranquility? Really?
We all like to paint a pretty picture of ourselves in the private mirror in our head. It's all about self-esteem of course. And why shouldn't we boost ourselves up by perceiving ourselves as caring, loving, supportive women? We work hard. Many of us have the difficult task of raising a family sometimes on our own. We go to school while holding full-time jobs so yes Darn it we deserve the praise! We are strong, capable and resourceful individuals. We carry a heavy load. And now, we also aim for something higher. We want true joy. We have embarked on a quest to find what makes life worth living and to help us in our quest, we've surrounded ourselves with strong, positive role-models that can motivate us when we are just too tired to do it by ourselves.
Yet, when it comes down to it, we are only too quick to turn on each other. The yoga classes and breathing techniques we've been practicing are sorely lacking in their power to help us channel our energy positively and we're back to talking about each other, comparing each other or rather, making sure that we do not get compared to each other at all. Huh Huh, OH NO! Calamity of all calamities! How could they compare us to each other? We're not like each other. We have "SO" moved on from this type of behavior! How dare people even think such a thing? Yes, we have moved on. We've moved on to a more refined, more subtle way to get to each other. We do it by pretending that we are okay with each other when really we are not. We do it by ignoring our differences and indirectly ignoring each other but, we don't actually stop talking to each other. That would show that somehow we've let someone else steal our joy and in this day and age of seeking harmony and serenity, that would just be ridiculous, laughable, unbelievable. Instead, we acknowledge each other with a mundane hello and a quick "how are you" just for the sake of civility, to prove that we are mature and wise, to show that we don't let people get to us even even if we have to grind our teeth and suffer through a conversation.
We don't hate each other; hate is such a strong word. And plus, it would imply that we are being affected negatively by people who really don't matter and if we let that happen, well, they would be stealing our joy wouldn't they? And that's just not going to happen right? So, we can't hate each other. We just dream about ripping each other's eyes out in secret. Wish we could wipe that stupid smile off of each other's faces whenever we cross path and just wonder about the truth behind the words we say to each other, secretly hoping to find fault with them. There may be a burning hope inside us to hear that some of us are not doing as well as they could or should be doing because that would vindicate us for that time they talked down to us, made fun of us, lied to us or about us, wronged us or plain hurt us. We may not admit it because the feeling is so ugly but it happens all the same, sometimes unconsciously We don't want to talk about other women if they're doing well but we'll listen with seemingly bored interest but vengeful glee and inner satisfaction if they're in trouble. We don't go as far as wishing they were dead, commiserate even when evil befalls them or their loved ones, after all there are things we don't wish on our worst enemies but if there's a reason why, we'd like to see them squirm or struggle if only a little.
And the reality is that sometimes there may be a reason. There may be a valid reason why some of us can't bring ourselves to genuinely smile at another woman, a serious reason why we can't stand to be near someone in particular. But when that is the case, we rarely find ourselves in each other's company, usually strive to live our lives away from each other so these would not be the women we would be greeting with air kisses and fake smiles. Not the women we would see at parties because we run in the same circles. No. These would be the women we meet regularly or occasionally, the women we keep in touch with via email or chat with when we are on line. The women we run into at social events, direct sales home parties and motivational seminars.
We are alike in so many ways, want so many of the same things but seem to lose our way when we are together. What is it that causes this to happen? Is it competition? Is it our ego? Is it the "who do you think you are trying to tell me what to do or how to do it" tidbit of our ego that has us ready to rebut every argument while pretending to keep our cool? ( I am so guilty of that!) Is it our ego that has us acting cynically, giving each other the cold shoulder while never discussing the real reason why? Or is it a false sense of superiority? Some misguided sense of entitlement? Some idea that we are better than other women because of our looks, our money, our last names, our connections or our accomplishments? We find so many ways to put each other down and we do it, oh so well when we get together. It finds its way in the middle of a conversation, is dropped as a comment, a look, a disdainful greeting. We know how to make each other feel bad without saying a word. We look through each other but not at each other, use that vague, distant look that sweeps all over us, do not show any smile nor any awareness. We forget to be kind. Kindness is for others, for the poor or the sick, the fragile and the weak. But if our life is decent, if we're doing okay, then we can take a punch. We learn to be sarcastic, staying at the edge of propriety but knowing fully well that there's bad blood brewing. Yet, we are seeking inner peace and tranquility? Really?
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