Sister Talk

Sometimes, I forget how lucky I am to have family members I'm close to then, life happens and sends me a reminder. I'm the oldest of 10 siblings. Really! It's a blended family, many half-brothers and sisters but I love them all and, over time, I've come to see them as just brothers and sisters. So to go back to my thoughts, I'm the oldest of quite a large group of siblings and I'm usually the one to guide, advise, help out, pray for all the others. I'm sure they pray for me too but when it comes to life, I'm usually the one to dish out advice.  But from time to time, I get a reminder that we are all adults now and many of my sisters and brothers have developed their own views of the world, of life and may have a different perspective on things. It's nice to realize that.
Today, I was at the receiving end of the advice-giving. One of my younger sisters, who's usually not one to actually say that much about other people, had a real advice-giving, no-nonsense talk with me and I am so grateful. I'm so grateful that she was there to listen, to talk to, to answer questions and to offer advice. It's nice to not be the one thinking  about what could make things better for a change but, most of all, I felt so comforted by our conversation.  Listening to her express her views on issues we're facing, I realize that I now count one more ally in my corner, one more person who understands.  Even if we live much different lives, she understands enough to get my problems and she cuts me no slack either. "Stop trying so hard" she told me. "Vous n'etes pas sur la meme longueur d'ondes" she said again in French, replying to a comment I had made. And that expression means "You're not on the same wavelength" or again "you don't see eye to eye".  Hmm. When did my little sister get so wise?  She's not that little really. She's only 3 years younger than me but still... Apparently, she knows a little something about something. Even though I didn't feel our conversation was over, I was left with a smile after I hung up the phone. Why? Because I had just gotten some advice from my little sister, the same one who always calls on me to talk about school issues and work issues and life issues.  The same one who sometimes appears unsure or indecisive. She's much stronger than she looks and I was happy to find that out, even if it was at my own expenses.

I'll admit it. Maybe I'm too cautious but it takes me forever to make a decision, especially when the decision may have a direct impact on my family life. However, when the same things have been nagging at me for the last couple of years, when the voice in my head saying it's time for a change has been getting louder and louder,  maybe it's time I listen to it. I guess change is scary and there's also the investment of time and the fear of the unknown but, I've debated long enough. Time to tackle my fears and just try something a little different.
I wish I could simply wake up one day and decide "this is it" and just do it. Make that change I've been yearning for. I really wish I could. I know people around me who have and whenever I hear their stories, I'm so envious of their courage, guts, defiance against life's demands. "Why can't I do that" I would wonder, "why can't I be like them and just make up my mind?" And I would feel frustrated, trapped. It's not that anyone is forcing me to do or not to do anything. No one is telling me "Just stay where you are. Keep doing what you've been doing all these years" but I feel like I would be acting irresponsibly if I just got up and left something that I know how to do only to go for uncertainty.
Now, lately it has occurred to me that my current work situation may not be the best one for my family.  It's not always like that but the past year has been a particularly challenging one.  I've had to navigate a new and difficult environment with very little help but, where it directly impacted my family was that there was just a lot more associated with this year's assignment. A lot more prep time needed to get things done, a lot more follow-up work to ensure that they're done properly, a lot more time thinking and stressing about what will happen, what may happen.  I had to worry about that and still be the person I wanted to be, that I needed to be for my family.  And all in all, nothing matters more to me than the two people I share my life with every day. Nothing.
So there goes my conundrum. I see how time is slipping away, forcing me to put precious plans, important life plans on the back burner all because I'm too busy with the demands of a temporary, volatile assignment. The good? Well, can't complain about compensation though it's not perfect but hey, I'll take it. The bad? it's costing me so much of my personal life, costing me so much of my family time. And I know what the argument is: You make sacrifices. I know all about that argument. Sacrifices. My whole adult life has been about sacrifices. In fact, if I do go ahead and make a change,  it won't be to satisfy a selfish need to go and spread my wings in the great blue uncertain sky. It will be to dedicate my free time entirely to my family and to my home life, something I'm having a hard time doing right now. Oh, I still manage to do the important things but, it's like they say: Something's gotta give, right? And that's usually what ends up happening. When I need to focus on an important matter, the other side suffers. Always. Always.
Can't go on like this so, I decided to take a real, hard look at my life, all aspects of my life. After acknowledging all of my feelings, the joy I found in some assignments, the distraught I felt in others, I realized that whether permanent or temporary, it would serve me well to try something else, something of a different nature.  Doesn't even have to be completely different. Could be something as simple as focusing on different areas of my assignment, try to serve in a different capacity but try something else and see whether it leaves me more time to be with my family.

As close as we want or as far away as we choose

Underneath it all, we are all people, alike in our humanity, unique in our differences. We can choose to connect with one another through the threads of our similarities or isolate ourselves from others through the starkness of our differences. However we choose to live, whatever we decide, it is completely up to us but it doesn't change the truth about what makes us human. This occurred to me as I took my nightly stroll through my Facebook newsfeed tonight. Whenever something caught my interest, I would click on it to get a closer look or, to read the full post and I realized that many of the pictures, inspirational quotes  or status people were sharing were similar to mine and to others I was seeing around the network.  They either reflected a desire to live life fully, to be happy, expressed gratitude for the present, for people in their lives, or showed a desire to get better.
And what struck me is that, while we are all very different in that we lead very different lives, our main concerns all seem to revolve around the same topics.  I mean, yes some of the people I know share many of my fundamental core values, have similar backgrounds, but others are just completely different.
Different is not bad. Different makes for interesting conversations. The only time I fear different is when different is endangering or hurting others. That's the kind of different I fear. Other than that, nope, I'm not afraid of different. It would be so much easier if we all learned to appreciate each other through our similarities and differences. We don't have to like everything about each other. We just have to respect each other.