I decided that life is too short to make it more difficult than it already is. I know not everyone understands why I focus on some of the things I do. I know I can't escape being judged or whatever but I've actually reached a point where I just stopped caring. I really did. I do what I can to try and respect others even when I don't get it back in return but not getting everyone's approval has stopped to matter so much for me. I just don't care. I know some people will be offended but guess what? I don't care about that either. I'm not perfect. I really have some things I struggle with just like everybody else; I won't get into it here but let's just say that there's definitely room for improvement, something I keep in mind as I try to confront my flaws and redress them. I'm human. But I'm so glad I broke free of this need to please that I've carried around for so long. I was under the impression or, maybe I should say that I believed I owed it to my family, my friends and anyone else in my life to always give them my best. Always. Even at my own expense. I love my family, my friends. I love the people I got close to through growing and learning as an adult but I needed to understand that loving them didn't mean not taking care of myself. I've carried this burden unnecessarily for so long. I'm not even sure I know how to stop being that way but I guess not caring so much about what others think when I don't act as they expect me to, putting my needs and those of my family and by that I'm referring to my husband and son, putting their needs first, are the first steps towards that change. I needed to understand that, even when they mean well, not everyone can actually appreciate my personal situation. I think of myself as a good person. I believe I am a good person; I know how I think and how I feel, how much I care but gosh, caring sometimes got in the way of taking care of my life, of taking care of my needs because I tend to do a lot of one and a whole lot less of the other. It's because of my sense of responsibility, of traditions, of feeling like I need to give back, my need to keep everybody happy, to keep the peace and yes, my need for approval that got me trapped into this cycle for so long. I believed, wrongly, that it was my duty, my responsibility, my job to make sure everyone was as good as they could be, even when my life was being completely screwed, shattered. I like my peace of mind, most of all. I like harmony and serenity. I believe that the bonds of friendships should be maintained and that family ties should never be broken. Because of that, I have allowed people to take advantage of me, humiliate me, walk over me and my feelings and for what? I'm pretty outspoken; I tend to speak my mind but so often, I've held back, especially when it came to maintaining family ties. I believe in that. I believe that family is one of the strongest support system that exist for us human beings but sometimes, things get in the way. Miscommunication, expectations, pride or whatever else may be going on, all of these things that make us do those things we do to hurt others. If I recognize one of them and it comes from me, and I care about who or what it is impacting, which is always the case, I try my best to fix it. But I can only fix what I can control. I can't control others' actions, reactions, thoughts and feelings. I can try to influence them through dialogue and my own actions but besides that, there's very little I can do to try to fix a situation that is not ideal. So, rather than waste my energy trying to fix what's beyond my control, I decided that I would focus on doing, on being, on trying harder to be the person I hope to be, on trying to have the life I want, on trying to effect my world in a more positive way.
I am a free-spirited, catholic, faith-driven individual. Even that is controversial for some. How could I say that I'm a Christian and not raise my voice against same-sex marriage or relationships? Because it's not for me to say. Just like abortion. It's for not me to say. I live my life according to my truth and my beliefs and the same is true for others. And also, I believe in Jesus' love, God's love. I don't know His ultimate plan for all of us but I believe that He loves us, that He loves me and because of that, I don't believe in spreading hate. I condemn racism and discrimination because I don't understand how people who call themselves Christians can act so un-Christ like. I pray hard but probably not the way some would expect a faith-driven, God-filled person to do it but I don't care about that either. No one can judge my spiritual relationship with God but God Himself. I'm sort of a peace-waving banner kind of a person but I actually believe in the right to defend myself. Therefore, while I'm more pro-peace than pro-war, I won't let myself be slaughtered without a fight.
Finally, my vision of life is one of joy. I believe in light, in laughter, in good times. I know life is made of good and bad times but I really, really like to focus on how to increase the opportunity for good times, which is where my philosophy of creating "Pockets of Happiness" came from. My life has been nothing short of complicated, difficult, painful. But I somehow managed to retain this love for joy and anything that can create it. I don't want to focus on the fact that my life is not exactly the way I envisioned it would be because I can't change that. I'm not even sure I'm done dealing with that reality yet, still fighting through that but, I can definitely join into laughter, enjoy music, move my body and dance, participate in the good that comes with living this life. I have to. That's the only way to go on for me. I can't just focus on how to help my son, how to support my husband, how to change careers. I can't just think of my troubles and not make time to laugh. But I also have to work on protecting myself, protecting my feelings from being hurt even when it happens by accident. I've done it, hurt people's feelings. I'm guilty of it, too. But I've always tried to respect all people and that, friends, is the truth. While I've had my share of conflicts, I've tried as much as possible to work through them because of this need that I have for everything to be OK, this need for harmony and peace of mind and all of that, because of this idea of how things should be but, I had to learn the hard way that not everyone is like that. Different things matter to different people and, there's nothing wrong with that. There's no wrong or right here. Like I often say "To each his own" right? I can only control what I do. So that's how I've come to this place of not caring so much about what others think of me. I don't know what motivates others to act the way they do; I may have an inkling into their reasons but unless I'm them, I can't fully understand why they act the way they do, just like they can't fully understand why I choose to do what I do. Thus my new resolve to focus on what I can control and what I can do to live my life according to my truth.
I can be a little boring, a little too Miss Goody-Two-Shoes for some but so what? If that's how people see me, so what? I hope to spread joy, positivity sprinkled with a good dose of reality check around. I hope to address those questions that are important to me and, to have some conversations that may make some uncomfortable at times. I will refuse to take the bait to engage into verbal fights because I'm not interested. I will not engage into bashing and will remain open to hearing different opinions. I will not, however, allow others to insult me, not directly anyway. What they say about me behind my back, I don't care. But it won't happen one-on-one. I won't respond. I will simply delete and block if it so requires, just like I'm sure some won't hesitate to do for me, just like some have already done probably. Life has come to that. I just want to keep it simple. I have to keep it going and try to live as full, as productive a life as I can. That's the plan. God, Faith, Family, Friends. Dreams, Goals, Work. A job where I can do some good, hopefully make a difference, have a significant impact, help others and earn a good income in the process, enough to live on and take care of my family. Conflicts? Agree to disagree on some points but keep it civil and that's it. That's how I'm approaching things from now on. Like I said at the beginning, life is too short, too complicated, too hard. My life is anyway and that's the truth. Live and let live. #Pockets of Happiness.
