Becoming The Mother He Needs Me To Be

People who meet me as a parent are always surprised at my tenacity.  When I react to something that I don't agree with, or decide on a course of actions, they act like "Whoa, where did that come from?" But why?  I'm just one of millions of parents who do what needs to be done every day for their kids.  What's so surprising about that?  But if they knew me, knew my story, maybe they would understand.  I'm the girl who refused to listen when the priest came to the chapel where I was praying that fateful night the hospital called us my husband and I, to say that it didn't look like our son was going to make it. He was trying to tell me that I needed to accept God's will but I refused to listen to him and instead, turned directly to the altar and kept praying. I was determined to fight for my kid and although, it looked like the the end was near, I didn't just sit around and waited for it to come.  I didn't want my son to die and my faith taught me that, when it looks like all is lost, you call God.  I wasn't going to accept this diagnosis without a fight.  I still remember how I felt that night and what I was thinking. "As long as my son is still breathing, I'm going to keep praying and keep asking God to spare his life". And boy did I pray!!! I prayed hard! I prayed completely inhibited because I was desperate. I knew this was a desperate situation. I had already been told but I loved my baby and wanted nothing more than to see him live.  This moment was like walking through a ring of fire. In my mind, I was saying "it ain't over until it's actually over.  No matter what the doctors and nurses said, as long as my baby is still breathing, it's not over so I'm going to keep on praying and crying and begging God for my son to live until there's no more reason to pray!" Thank God, I didn't need to get to that point. My son made it through that night ( I really hate thinking about that night). I can't even get past that moment to work on my next book but that's another story for another post.  Let's get back to this one.  So when people are surprised at my tenacity, at how hard I fight for my son, they should understand one thing:  I'm not going to give up.  I'm going to keep fighting for him, for his well-being, for his chance at independence and at living a good life. They need to understand what I went through and where I'm coming from to truly understand how I became the mother, the woman I am today and, why I don't just accept platitudes and excuses.  I'm the girl who doesn't back down, the girl who doesn't stop trying, doesn't stop fighting to get her son what she feels he needs to get better, to move ahead. I will always choose to fight until there's no more reason to fight, but until then, fight I will. My son has taught me to be persistent, to be bold and to seek answers. He needed me to become that mother. I didn't see it right away but it got clearer as time went on.  So now, when I have something to take care of, especially when it comes to my kid, I don't give up. If people try to write him off, to portray him as something he's not, as less than he is simply because they don't understand his needs, or sadly, because they do not want to take the time to get to know him, do not want to really help him, I speak up. I do not accept preconceived ideas and judgmental attitudes and I can smell them a mile away.  I'm the girl who makes phone calls, seeks information, researches the problem.  I talk to people, voice my concerns, ask questions and ask for help, too.  I don't always get what I want, what I hope for but it doesn't cross my mind one minute not to to try.  If one thing doesn't pan out, I try another. If one person doesn't listen or doesn't help, I keep trying, keep looking until I find someone who will listen because I've learned to do that: Not to give up until there's no other choice but to give in. I didn't think I had it in me. But apparently I do. By the grace of God, I do. 

Joy Doesn't Mean Ignoring the Negative

You know, I'm naturally optimistic, I would say even joyful.  I soothe myself by singing or dancing to music. I did it as a kid growing up and still do today.  I could have just gotten in trouble at home, I remember, could be really upset. I would go through those moments, cry or brood in a corner then, when the moment has passed, would start humming. So all in all, I'd say I know how to pick myself up. However, in the interest of honesty, I must say that I don't understand why people are not allowed to feel what they feel anymore. You know, feelings exist for a reason.  There's happy, sad, excited, angry, moody, gloomy, you know the whole array. Yet, these days, there's a notion that only positive feelings should be expressed and I want to challenge that. Why? Why should people only express their joy but not their sadness? Their excitement but not their anger? I completely understand the issue concerning anger and the danger associated with individuals who suffer from mental illness and need their moods regulated medically. I understand and advocate for that. I'm talking about the average person here, the one who's living life independently, has a job and takes care of herself or himself. So these folks are not allowed to have a bad day? Not allowed to have a moment of distress? Is that realistic? Actually I got it wrong. I believe it's "of course they can have their bad days. They will have bad days. Everyone does. They're just not allowed to acknowledge it publicly". God forbid they do that. They are criticized, chastised, judged. Seriously?  Everyone is looking for their own nirvana, a universe where everything is ever so peaceful, harmonious.  Shoot! I'd love to get to that place, too! I love nothing more than a couple of days problem-free. Can we really go through life ignoring or pushing away all the negative feelings without dealing with them? If we do so, aren't we repressing them and, if that's the case, won't they come out at some point, causing us to act impulsively?

I don't know but I always felt better when I expressed my feelings. I could choose to talk to someone about them or, to write about them in a journal. I could also just allow myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling before I reflect on it. OK. So this happened and this made me really angry. What can I do about it? Or, there was a death in my family and, I'm saddened by the loss. I'm mourning. The whole time I'm going through this, I don't really fell like being chirpy. I don't really want to force myself to participate in anything. I just want to wallow for a little bit in my feelings, especially if I'm dealing with a loss. I know people mourn in different ways and that's mine. If I'm angry, I seek out a friendly ear. It could be my husband, one of my siblings or a friend. I vent. I may cursed if the situation warrants it; I may do some research to find out what I can do to get myself out of whatever is causing me grief. The whole time I'm dealing with this, I'm not feeling positive necessarily.  I may not be productive either, not at first anyway; by the end of that cycle maybe. Either way, these times exist in everybody's life and they are real. They're part of life. I like to use the phrase "live an authentic life" so I like to be honest with myself or at least, I try to be, as often and as much as I can. I know who I am. I know I'm naturally upbeat but that doesn't mean that I don't have moments when I don't feel that great, when I want to talk about whatever it is that's on my mind, whatever it is that's bothering me.
I mean, this is life. Life is made of of a series of problems that we try to overcome as best we can and, yes, we strive to live our best life in between but we still deal with stuff, stuff that may not be very pretty so excuse-me if I'm not your escape for the day.  While I enjoy posting motivational and encouraging posts, I also like to talk about some of the challenges I encounter.  Doing so gives me clarity and helps me gain some perspective.
The good thing is that dealing with them, talking about my challenges, it does not take away my joy. The joy is always there, inside. I've always had it and it has helped carry me through many difficult times. Joy is what allows me to sing a happy song, to enjoy dancing and to laugh at the old reruns of a comedy show on TV. I think I have plenty of reasons not to have joy, really. Then again, it's all about how you look at it.  The whole "is the glass half-empty" or "half-full" business. I guess mine is half-full since I always remind myself that, as bad as things are, they could be much worse, that there are people who have it much worse than me.  Things may not be perfect in my life; no, let me correct that. Things are far from perfect but I still love the people I'm sharing my life with. They make me smile and I enjoy living every day with them. I love seeing my son, autistic, complex medical history and all, I love spending time with him, love him to pieces and when I listen to music, I like to make him dance with me. I love that. I love laughing at jokes with my husband even as we may be dealing with a serious problem, something that may not be resolved right away but I love those moments we have. I love taking part in different types of activities, love being part of life. But even with all of that, I still like to keep it real. I say it like this: It's called life. Live and learn. It is what it is. I like to deal with things so if I choose to talk about something that upsets me, that's what I'll do. Then later, when I'm over it, or I guess when the intensity of the moment has passed, I listen to some music.

If you live in the South Florida area. You can catch my first ever tv interview on the show New Haitian Generation.  It will air tonight at 8pm on Becon TV, channel 19 or 63.  Not sure if you can watch it on line but you can always try to google it and watch the show in real time.  I really enjoy connecting with my readers and telling them the story behind a piece I wrote.  I hope I'll get to do that a lot more.  Until next time...

Don't Be Afraid to Ask

This post is a pep talk to my soul. It's about God, my christian faith and the way I think about praying.  It's a little complicated but it is something that I struggle with, something I've been trying to confront for awhile but had not yet found the words for.

I attended church yesterday. Yes, I do go to church and, part of the homily was about not being afraid to ask God for what we want. One of the stories they read was about the time Mary asked Jesus to perform His first miracle by turning water into wine. I don't remember exactly what the priest said but I remember him explaining how Mary had complete confidence in Jesus' ability to do something to change the situation.  She had faith in Him and, because she had faith, she asked and waited. She knew He would do something.
I'm talking about this because I've been struggling with specifically that: Asking. In fact, I am absolutely afraid to ask. Not because I don't believe in God. I do. I believe God exists, I believe in His Love, in His Peace and His Faithfulness. Yet, there are things I am afraid to ask Him.
You see, God was there for me and answered my prayers when I was in a very dark place in my life, when I thought I was about to lose my son, when doctors told me to brace myself and get ready for the worst.  He was there when I was desperate and had no more words to pray, no more strength.  I would cry alone in my car and would talk to Him then. I would be in bed and would cry quietly, afraid someone would hear me.  God was there for these times. For my son, for my husband.  He saw me through these really hard times and He answered my prayers. When doctors only had bad news, when they told me to come say goodbye to my son that one night or, to get our affairs in order because they didn't believe there was a chance of survival that other time, I lost it. I yelled, I cried but I prayed. I prayed with tears, while sobbing but I prayed. These were really, really hard times for me and then, it did not come to pass, the predictions didn't come true.  And that's why I feel like, since He granted me such great victories, I should never ask for anything that isn't related to life or death, no matter how bad things get, how bleak the times. I feel like He gave me such great gifts, such wonderful reasons to be happy already and, I am so grateful that I am afraid to ask for anything else.  What else could matter more than life itself, I tell myself?  Is it weird? Maybe. I don't know.

I wonder if anybody else goes through this or if it's just me but it's definitely hindering my optimism. After going through so much crap and coming out on the other side, I just don't feel like I should be asking for anything else.  After all, I get to see the people I love every day when I came so close to losing them and it really was nothing short of a miracle that they are alive today so when I pray, I am afraid to ask for anything that is not life-changing. Oh, I'll pray about the things I assume everybody who prays, prays about: Thanking God for His Blessings and the things I do have; I'll ask that He continues to watch over the ones I love but I always hesitate to ask for more, for anything related to financial stability for example. I will pray about jobs and such, for my family, for anyone I know needing a prayer but when it comes to me, I feel like I was so immensely blessed already by having my family here with me today, when I was told that it wouldn't be so, that I just don't really feel like I should ask for anything more. It's a real struggle, it really is. Who am I to ask for more when I already got so much of what I really wanted already? I tell myself. I have all that really matters, I remind myself all the time.  Does this mean I don't think I'm worthy of more? Of more blessings? I don't think so. I just feel that the blessings I have received are so precious, that should be it, I shouldn't ask for anything else, not unless it's a desperate situation in which case, I know He will be there for me because He was before when I hit rock bottom and He always is. I trust that He knows my needs and my wants so I leave it at that and do not speak them out loud, do not mention them when I pray.  The scriptures say "Ask and you shall receive." I was reminded again at church:  "You should ask".  And yet, I have a hard time asking.
So how do I get past this? How do I get past this feeling of "No, I shouldn't. He gave me so much already? So what if things are not perfect. I'll survive. As long as the most important people in my life are OK, I can take anything else." How do I get past that?  Because that's how it's been. I'm stuck at that stage and can't seem to move on from there. It's pitiful. Don't be afraid to ask. Maybe I feel ungrateful when I think of asking for other things. Things that don't pertain to life or death but would help improve my life. I should. I should clear my head and embrace this complete, absolute faith.  I should try to just go for it next time I pray. I need to let go of that survivor guilt, because really, that's kind of what this is, I think. I shouldn't feel undeserving of nothing else when I believe so strongly that I am precious in the eyes of God, that His love for me is greater than I can imagine. I have to push past those feelings and ask with faith, knowing that things may not happen as I expect them to, in my own timing but, that good things will happen. So ok. Don't be afraid to ask.