So... A year has just ended and another one is just beginning. What have I learned from this past year? The truth? Pain. I learned a lot about pain this past year. I learned that pain is strong and real and scary. I think of PAIN in bold, fiery letters. I also think of FAITH and LOVE. I think of disappointment and deception. I think of all the ways life has me cornered, unable to do what I truly feel or want. I think of the ways I would change things if I could, the things I would bring forth in my life and that of the ones I love.
It's hard. It's no secret that it's been a tough year. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever known another year as tough as the one that just went by. True, the year I gave birth to my son 16 weeks early and lived through his 9 months of hospital stay was a tough one, too. But though I had many deeply emotional weeks, days, and moments, they somehow fade a little in comparison to the Pain I felt last year. The fear I knew, became intimately acquainted with this past year. I mean, I've felt pain and have been afraid before but never so ferociously or so suddenly. Sometimes, a situation develops and you can predict that pain will come at some point so you kind of steel yourself in expectation of the negative emotions you know are coming your way. But, sometimes, pain thunders through your life unannounced, uninvited, like a violent storm, a storm that threatens to completely destroy you, to toss you up in the air before slamming you down to the ground in thousands of broken pieces. I'm not sure I'm describing it correctly but yes, that's the kind of pain I felt this past year. And when you feel this kind of pain, it brings about a visceral fear. A fear of uncertainties, of horrific scenarios, fear of the future, fear of the present. This kind of pain brings about unreasonable wishes, crazy dreams of magical powers where you can change events with just the touch of a wand. It brings about an illogical desire to turn back time and set it to happier days when Pain was manageable and understandable.
It's not something you can really explain. I can't really explain it though I try. It's just an unbelievably scary, achingly dark feeling. I don't know what else to say about that.
And on the other side of pain there is Faith-Love-Despair and Hope all mixed into one. There is the light brought on by helping hands and soothing words, of caring shoulders and comforting words. There is the cross of Jesus Christ and the child like faith set in one's heart. There are rallies of prayers and phone calls and emails, the quiet presence of loving ones. It doesn't take away the pain but it helps you breathe through it all. It's suffocating at times the Pain, like barbed wire holding you hostage: Your nose, your neck, your mouth, your chest, a burning imprint on your heart and all of your senses, something that may even consume you whole if not for the hands holding you still.
I know of physical pain of course. Pain caused by an injury, a fall, a punch, an illness. Pain brought on by the lacerations of a whip or horrific harm done to ones' body. I know this pain is horrible, too. But emotional pain is right up there with the worst of them. The pangs of despair that come unannounced, that rob you of sleep and crash through your heart. And you're lying there wondering if they'll ever stop! If you'll ever stop feeling this hurt, this miserable.
Somehow you make it through. You don't know how, you're not sure how but you make it through the stormy days. God's Love and Mercy help you through. Love and Kindness sustain you. Faith gives you Hope to keep believing and somehow you make it through.
And you start laughing again one day. You remember what gives you joy, play some music, talk to some friends, watch a movie or read a book. You felt broken and now you're here. You're living life not knowing how and you look around with a smile knowing that God's Mercy is at work here.
