October 11, 2015
All The Little Parts Of Me.: So Many Expectations
All The Little Parts Of Me.: So Many Expectations: So many people expect us to be so many things. Everyone has an idea of how we should act, what we she should say, what we should share. But...
So Many Expectations
So many people expect us to be so many things. Everyone has an idea of how we should act, what we she should say, what we should share. But at the end of the day, we have to make the decision. We have to think about the consequences of our actions and decide whether any consequence that may come as a result of our choices is one we can live with. It's as simple as that. When I was growing up, my dad used to say in French "Il faut souffrir les consequences de vos inconsequences" which means something like "you must face the consequences of your inconsequences" which really means that we should accept the price of our irresponsible choices. This phrase has become a tune that's been playing in my head a lot lately. It stays there like a warning bell that goes off on any given day, at any given time and it has sort of become my guiding light.
I realize that everyone holds expectations of other people but, some of these expectations are so unrealistic, not to say unfair. I'm not a licensed therapist nor a life coach or anything like that. What I write is based on my experiences and reflections; I'm just thinking out loud about what I'm discovering as I follow my own path. So to go back to those expectations: Everyone has them. We all carry expectations for ourselves and others and we don't even realize the kind of pressure we may be putting on each other because of them. There's a difference, I think, between having expectations and rooting for someone to do well. Expectations to me, carry a judgmental undertone whereas support doesn't. Expectations are nuanced by our opinions of what and how certain things should be done whereas positive support is just that: Encouragement, boost of confidence. And you can see the difference. Some of us take it personal when someone doesn't fulfill our expectations. We distance ourselves, stop offering support. But is that fair? Is it fair to impose our expectations, which may be a reflection of our own values, our own principles, on someone else? To demand that a friend, family member, co-worker or public figure behave in a way that meets our approval even if it may not meet theirs or someone else's? Better yet, do we truly understand what's going on in a person's life to the point of claiming to know what the better way is? Do we?
We hurt each other so much when we do these things: Impose expectations, sometimes reasonable but sometimes so very unrealistic. And we assume so much about each other. Boy do we ever love to assume that we know, that we understand. How can we say that we know or understand what's going on with someone when we have never really spoken with them other than in passing, to exchange mere greetings or pleasantries? It occurred to me today that some of the "people" I think about in one way or another, and I'll admit, some I don't think of in such a nice way, I've never really had a real conversation with the entire time that I've known them. I know them... May have known them for a long time even, but I have never actually had a one-on-one conversation with them to really get to know them or hear their thoughts on anything. I may talk to them in a group setting, may see them interact with others from afar but I don't really know them. Yet, I've developed these assumptions, ideas and expectations based on just my impression of them. I don't know whether my impressions are founded or not but, they were enough to influence my decisions and shape my behavior. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I adapted my behavior to my expectations, even though those expectations were based on nothing more than very superficial feelings. So that got me thinking... If this is happening with me and I consider myself pretty mellow and open, it is probably happening to a lot of other folks. Hmmm...
I don't like the idea of having to fulfill a whole bunch of expectations from a whole bunch of different people. More than anything, I want to hold on to my sense of self and work on bettering the person that I am, not bend and twist to meet others' expectations of who I should be. And in so doing, I'm slowly coming to the realization that this will come with a price. People will fade out of our lives as new ones come in. We will be judged for better or worse, regardless of the direction we take so, what do we do? How about just staying true to ourselves and embracing that golden rule, the one that says "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You" ? We can't spend our lives trying to fulfill everyone's expectations, even if those people are near and dear to us. It's not realistic but, if we carry this principle to treat others as we would like to be treated, at least, we'll know that we are trying our best to live a good life, to live a life where we can look at ourselves in the mirror and, even as we'll see the flaws of our imperfections, we will also see clear eyes and our authentic self. I think that's enough to get us started. The rest, we'll figure out as we go.
I realize that everyone holds expectations of other people but, some of these expectations are so unrealistic, not to say unfair. I'm not a licensed therapist nor a life coach or anything like that. What I write is based on my experiences and reflections; I'm just thinking out loud about what I'm discovering as I follow my own path. So to go back to those expectations: Everyone has them. We all carry expectations for ourselves and others and we don't even realize the kind of pressure we may be putting on each other because of them. There's a difference, I think, between having expectations and rooting for someone to do well. Expectations to me, carry a judgmental undertone whereas support doesn't. Expectations are nuanced by our opinions of what and how certain things should be done whereas positive support is just that: Encouragement, boost of confidence. And you can see the difference. Some of us take it personal when someone doesn't fulfill our expectations. We distance ourselves, stop offering support. But is that fair? Is it fair to impose our expectations, which may be a reflection of our own values, our own principles, on someone else? To demand that a friend, family member, co-worker or public figure behave in a way that meets our approval even if it may not meet theirs or someone else's? Better yet, do we truly understand what's going on in a person's life to the point of claiming to know what the better way is? Do we?
We hurt each other so much when we do these things: Impose expectations, sometimes reasonable but sometimes so very unrealistic. And we assume so much about each other. Boy do we ever love to assume that we know, that we understand. How can we say that we know or understand what's going on with someone when we have never really spoken with them other than in passing, to exchange mere greetings or pleasantries? It occurred to me today that some of the "people" I think about in one way or another, and I'll admit, some I don't think of in such a nice way, I've never really had a real conversation with the entire time that I've known them. I know them... May have known them for a long time even, but I have never actually had a one-on-one conversation with them to really get to know them or hear their thoughts on anything. I may talk to them in a group setting, may see them interact with others from afar but I don't really know them. Yet, I've developed these assumptions, ideas and expectations based on just my impression of them. I don't know whether my impressions are founded or not but, they were enough to influence my decisions and shape my behavior. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I adapted my behavior to my expectations, even though those expectations were based on nothing more than very superficial feelings. So that got me thinking... If this is happening with me and I consider myself pretty mellow and open, it is probably happening to a lot of other folks. Hmmm...
I don't like the idea of having to fulfill a whole bunch of expectations from a whole bunch of different people. More than anything, I want to hold on to my sense of self and work on bettering the person that I am, not bend and twist to meet others' expectations of who I should be. And in so doing, I'm slowly coming to the realization that this will come with a price. People will fade out of our lives as new ones come in. We will be judged for better or worse, regardless of the direction we take so, what do we do? How about just staying true to ourselves and embracing that golden rule, the one that says "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You" ? We can't spend our lives trying to fulfill everyone's expectations, even if those people are near and dear to us. It's not realistic but, if we carry this principle to treat others as we would like to be treated, at least, we'll know that we are trying our best to live a good life, to live a life where we can look at ourselves in the mirror and, even as we'll see the flaws of our imperfections, we will also see clear eyes and our authentic self. I think that's enough to get us started. The rest, we'll figure out as we go.
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