I'm Forty!!!

I'm forty-years old! Me!!! Oh My God! I know. I know that age is nothing but a number but when that number now applies directly to me, the truth is that age is then a little more than just a number... So I've been forty for three days now and it feels... weird, sexy, a little scary...  I've reached a milestone and depending on who I talk to, I'm either "over the hill", officially "old" or, about to start the best years of my life as a woman.  I'm nervous about being forty. I'm not going to lie. I've only been forty for three days and I already miss my thirties. Funny enough, I don't miss my twenties, well, I miss my twenty-year old body but I don't miss being a twenty year old. I didn't know enough and I made silly mistakes when I was in my twenties but my thirties were something else. It was in my thirties that I really started building my life. Whatever foundations I had laid in my twenties, I either reinforced or took apart to lay back differently in my thirties. I was making my way, forging ahead in my thirties, finding my own direction. I also found out a lot about myself, about who I was as a person in my thirties. I've lived the toughest times of my life in my thirties and survived to tell the tale and I'm really proud of that.  Yep. I loved my thirties.  I've always been very social and during my thirties, I fully explored that side of my personality.  I mc'ed a few weddings for friends, hosted girls' nights and attended different group activities. I listened to music, went out dancing, showed my support for some bands and felt it was OK to be silly, to be seized by a fit of laughter when with friends and to laugh until I was out of breath. The best part was that my parents no longer had any authority over me.  Parents may still hover over you in your twenties but they definitely let go, they finally stop treating you like a kid for good in your thirties. So  I was an adult who was seeing what it meant to have complete freedom.  The freedom of being in charge of myself, of  earning a living so that I did not need any handouts from my parents and could do exactly as I pleased. Things got though but I also found out in my thirties that it was OK to need help if things got tough along the way because it had already been established that I was a responsible adult and could take care of myself.  By the same token, I also started paying attention to what was happening in my community, in my country, in the world.  I became more interested in politics, following the news, staying informed and researching potential candidates.  It became important to me to know more about my party and those whose work in government affected my life.  I realized that I had a voice and that I could be heard if I chose to speak up.  In my thirties, I became more comfortable with my faith, not understanding everything but embracing the idea that there was a God and that I believed in Him.  I became a mother in my thirties, too. And it changed my life.  So that's why I loved my thirties. 
But now I'm forty and yes, I am nervous.  Even tough, in many instances, 35 to 44 year-old are often lumped together in the same group, I feel like there are new expectations associated with being forty maybe because of all these "over the hills jokes".  What will being forty feel like? What will it be like?  Will I stop listening to music or will I still  like it? And if I still like it, will I be weird, eccentric? Nah... I don't really care about being labeled weird or eccentric anyway.  But, will I still enjoy dancing or will my body force me to stop? Right now I don't feel it but what about a year from now?  Will I still get the giggles whenever I think of something funny and will I let myself laugh it out?  So all these questions about what will change and what will stay the same are making me nervous now that I'm officially a mature woman.  Well, if I'm to believe those statistical forms, I've been a mature woman since I was 35 but still.. 
I'm also curious about being forty... Maybe because I'm thinking about all those things they usually say about women in their forties and I'm wondering if there's any truth to them. You know what I'm talking about: "The forties are the best years of a woman's life" or that "women reach their sexual peak at forty..." Yes, these sayings...I'm curious to see if any of them will hold true for me. And, because I'm curious to see what happens in my forties, I'm also excited. Who would not be excited to know that they're about to reach their sexual peak, c'mon!!! And then, I feel "old", like officially "old". Now, when they talk about people being over the hill, I'll be included in that group. Yikes! That's a tough one to think about. Why over the hill? It's not like I have nothing left to look forward to.  I still have many things I'd like to accomplish, many dreams that I'd like to see come true.  I may have climbed many hills but I feel like I haven't been on top of my personal hill, yet. I'm not completely satisfied with my life. I'm not at a point where I can sit down, cross my arms, look around and say "I did good and now I'm done". I wonder if any forty year-old has ever done that? Well, I can't. I'm not done. I still need to do things, still need to live my life. I still have a few dreams that I'd like to pursue and a few crazy things I'd like to try. And in a way, turning forty kind of makes me feel like I've finally reached a point where I don't have to explain what I'm doing to anyone except to the person who's sharing my life journey with me, the one who's living it all with me. It's as if turning forty has finally set me free, legitimized my adulthood, my right to want to live life on my own terms without worrying so much about what those around me may think because now, I'm not just an adult. I'm an "over the hill" adult. So no more "you still have a lot to learn" or, "you're still young" or, as they like to say in creole "se pa vini wap vini"(which means you're getting there... Your turn will come type of thing). I feel liberated, adult, mature, yet vibrant, sexy, confident in my ability to make decisions for my life and that of my family, secure in the knowledge that I have lived a little, seen some crap, dealt with it and now know better than to jump in with my eyes shut closed. And, that, to tell you the truth makes me feel pretty powerful, in control. I think I'm going to still love reading romance novels, still enjoy writing, dancing and listening to music but I feel like now I'm living life with my eyes wide open.   It's in me. I feel it. It's just... different. C'est comme une ebullition, like something in me is rumbling and is about to erupt, to come free, like some energy that's been tightly contained and is now just begging for release. And as a result, a few months back, I started to live more intensely, to really enjoy dancing in my husband's arms, to breathe in the smell of my perfume, to slowly sip my glass of wine. I take more pleasure than before in doing those things that are satisfying to me and I fight harder for those things that are important or vital to the well-being of those I care about and, to my well-being as well.  Accrued confidence and clarity of mind and purpose. The forties. I think I'm going to like it here.  Welcome to the Sexy Forties. Cheers!

Cincinnati

We go to Cincinnati once a year or once every two years as needed.  Most of the times it's just C and I. When things are more serious, like when C was having major surgery in 2005, my husband comes, too. He may come with us, leave to go back to work then come back just to be there.  This year it was just the two of us again. My son is such a trooper I have to say.  He goes there all excited about getting on a plane, waits stoically to be seen by the doctors, goes through a bit of anxiety and manages to remain calm all the times in between. Sometimes, I wish he could tell me how he's feeling about all of this. He's been going since he was two and half. He was probably too young to remember what happened that far back, which is a good thing since the worst happened back then, but he went back when he was three, four, five and six years old. Right at six, they(the doctors) told us that we could wait two years before coming back and we did.  Luckily, nothing happened during that time to make us go earlier and so, this past Sunday, C and I boarded a plane and flew to Cincinnati to go see the doctors.  I don't like going to Cincinnati. I don't know anyone there. Well, I know some of the moms I met when C and I stayed at the Ronald McDonald's House for three months but we didn't keep in touch so bottom line: I don't know anyone there. When I go to Cincinnati, the hospital is the friendliest place I can find. There, they know my son is a patient.  They know what we go through, the anxiety of it all and they really try to help us out anyway they can.  There's a family resource room where I go sometimes just to kill time while waiting.  Sometimes I go there with C but there are times when I just to "breathe" and see other people, get on line or, just to be off the surgery or main floor. I didn't go this time around. I probably should have but I just didn't. Now, the hospital gift shop, I always visit. C loves it there. He always, always finds something he wants there and, though I say no to many of his requests, I usually end up buying him one thing. Why not? He's there by himself, away from home, away from his familiar environment so why not? And the other place we usually visit is the cafeteria. I like it there, too. Not so much because of their hot food, nothing spectacular there really but because of their soup, salad and cold product compartment. This time, I went for their pita chips and hummus but C could not eat most of the things there so he only had chocolate milk. Still, it's somewhere to go and just sit for a few minutes. The Guest Services Department is really good, too. They actually offer rides to the neighboring drugstores and the drivers do many runs throughout the day. I needed to go to a Walgreens or CVS this time around and they were able to arrange for one of their drivers to take me there, wait for me and bring me back to the hospital. They also offer discounted tickets to family attractions in the area but I've never used those. There's just no time for that when we go to Cincinnati. The only time we were in Cincinnati long enough for something like that to happen, C was hospitalized for two weeks straight then had to stay put at the Ronald McDonald House and go to the hospital for checkups.  I must say, the Ronald McDonald House is the best option by far for families with kids who have to be there for a long time.  They have two playrooms, a nice playground and provide many different kinds of activities for the kids themselves and for their families throughout the week.  I was able to stay there twice or was it three times out of all the times I had to bring C to Cincinnati. It also helps in the finance department since they use a sliding scale to charge for the room. I was very grateful for their hospitality while I was there and being just across the street from the hospital really helped, too. The only thing is that they have a looooong waiting list and families have no guarantee that they will get a room there. When you call to tell them that you will be in town on such and such date, they ask that you book a room at a hotel, ask for your phone number and contact you if, and only if a room frees up. I think they go by priority: The neediest families are always given priority based on their child's medical  condition and treatment needs. When C needed to stay in Cincinnati for those three months, they considered us a priority so we got a room pretty fast. The other two times, we were just lucky. And thankful.  I've been going to Cincinnati long enough to have stayed at a hotel that closed two years ago. It was a historical hotel and it had become our regular home away from home whenever we were in town and were not able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House.  Funny to think that it no longer exists... We've also stayed at a hotel that was located in the heart of downtown Cincinnati and, at another one that was right across the river in Kentucky.  That was the same one we stayed at this time.  Last time I was there, I guess that would be two years ago, C and I went to a really nice shopping mall in Covington, Kentucky. That was one of the nicest thing I ever did there. They have an aquarium, some shops, a movie theater and C and I had lunch at one of the restaurants located inside the mall.  It was pretty nice and, it provided a welcome distraction from the real reason we were there. That last time,  C's aunt also came to visit us with her family.  It was nice to see some familiar faces and we all sat together and had lunch at the hotels' restaurant. She didn't come this time around; she couldn't but it was just as well because we had no gap long enough in between our appointments that would have allowed us to spend more than one hour together. I didn't want her to drive two hours or more just to see us for one hour, especially since we just saw each other back home when she came to my house for C's First Communion. We're home now and assuming all goes well, we won't be going back to Cincinnati for another two years.