"Hindisght Is Always 20/20"

As much as I enjoy life and find joy in even the little things, there are some things that just bring me a certain level of unhappiness.  There are things that cause my stomach to clamp just thinking about them, things that just weigh me down.  It's hard to explain why and honestly, I just don't want to examine those reasons now but I'm sure I'm not the only one who's found herself in this situation.  You know how they say if you don't like something, change it? Yeah, well it's easier said than done, I can tell you that.  I can't just change something without knowing exactly what I'll get in exchange.  I'm an adult, not a child. And while there are some parts of adulthood I cherish above all else, such as my freedom and the control I have over my life, there are other parts that I don't like so much but recognize as being necessary. 
Those "necessary parts" can sometimes cause you so much trouble though.  And you start wondering if they're really worth it but the truth is, sometimes they are. Sometimes, you don't really have a choice but to stay and keep on keeping on.  As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes, you can't just take out the parts you don't like because you can't really be without them.  No matter how much you hate thinking about them and what they involve, you can't just get rid of them, at least not right this minute. 
I guess you can say that I have an acute sense of responsibility and because I do, I can't in all good conscience just throw away a perfectly good opportunity simply because it doesn't, in any way, bring me closer to my dreams. Although this opportunity may come with a stiff price tag, stress, loss of sleep, tiredness and irritability, I take it because it allows for some other things to happen. My chest may feel constricted, my face rigid and unsmiling, I seize this opportunity and step right in.  I just don't know how not to seize an opportunity to make things better even when it comes at a personal price.  For every moment I feel like giving up and walking away, I remind myself of all these other things this opportunity has allowed me to do, all these other things it is allowing me to do.  And yet... If there was a way to walk away without feeling any guilt at all, without living with the fear of the unknown, I think I would actually do it.  I would be bold enough, probably surprise a few people doing so but I would bravely turn my carriage around and go the other way. I would lead my horse to a brand new field and see what happens. I would let it be. 
Would I have regrets? Maybe, I don't know. But I already have regrets now.  Either way there'd be regrets. Once I go the other way, I may regret doing it but I tell you what I regret now:  I regret not thinking this way much sooner, much earlier.  I regret not having the guts to admit that I was making a mistake when I still had time to correct it.  I regret not talking to more people and not asking more questions.  Now, Here are two things that could have helped a great deal! But don't they say that "hindsight is always 20/20"? Humph.
So basically, I understand and accept that I feel a certain way towards some parts of my life.  I'm a big girl.  No time to sit down and wallow in misery but, although I understand why I feel the way I do and, as much as I'd like to "be the change I want to see", I just can't throw it all away. Because it would be irresponsible and, surprise, surprise, I'm pretty responsible. Who would have thought?
I tell you what though, next time my husband who, from the time we started dating, has always encouraged me to look beyond the practical and necessary, next time he points something out to me, I'll make sure to actually stop and really, really listen, really consider it. And that time may be sooner than you think.