I'm Still Lucky Enough to Be Married to A Great Guy

The other part of me. I almost lost it. This part that is vital to my happiness, the other half of my heart... It's been five months since I last posted on this blog and I consider it a special blessing that I'm able to do so today. Because truth be told, I'm not sure I would have gone back to blogging if my worst fears had materialized, at least not for awhile.  It was such a close call. I don't know how it is for other people but for me, I never fully understood the depth of my love for my other half until that moment when loosing him became a very real possibility.  In my heart, there's still shock, and disbelief and just confusion... And gratitude, and surprise and just shock... Still. It came out of nowhere, disguised as a cold. Completely hidden under coughs and drowsiness. I had no clue. I knew something was amiss, but what ended up happening was what I expected the least. It came from nowhere and hit me upside the head, threw me down and I thought I would stop breathing. It was one of the scariest, craziest, weirdest days I have ever lived. You know, I had this kind of day before. When C was still in the NICU(Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), I got a phone call urging me to come to the hospital because he couldn't breathe; the nurses and doctors were at his bedside trying to oxygenate but he wasn't getting better. They were fearing the worst. It was a nightmare then. It really was. It's still a pretty tough thing to think about so when this happened, this new, crazy, disbelievable moment when I was told almost the same thing...I felf like it was deja vu, like: Wait a minute! I've been here before, I've been in a place where they wanted me te be prepared for the worst.  Oh No, no, no!!!!!!!!!!! Not again.... Not him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my head just exploded. I felt like a gunshot had gone through it and it was just painfulf, sheer, absolute pain. I just could not bring myself to listen to anymore of this nonsense. I refused to listen. I just couldn't. I walked away. I had a friend with me and I know she held me up but I wanted her to let me go. I just wanted to hide from this nightmarish possibility. I wanted to crawl in a hole, under a chair, under a bed and just close my eyes. It was the same as before but worst, more intense. It was like my arms had been cut off. I became limp I think and I really don't remember what happened. I know people were there. I remember people coming and I couldn't keep my composure. Me, who actually don't like to show emotion in front of stangers... It was just one of those things where I could not control the reaction. And I really did not want to talk. But I had to. Had to because just like I had to for C, I had to make decisions quickly, and pray hard to fight hard. I really don't know why God feels I can handle all of this because I feel, felt broken. Broken then and broken again when this happened. I really get it you know. I get how people feel when  they get bad news. I get how they feel and imagine that, for the ones who experience the actual loss, the pain has to be even worse, more intense. Because I came so close... But, Thank You God, here I am writing about this today. Still weak from it all, still walking the path but so glad my fears did not materialize. So very lucky and thankful, grateful.