Just like that, five weeks ago my life went from routine to unpredictable. I was called into my boss' office to find out that I was being let go because of budget cuts. Now, that's the simplified version. There's more to the story but I can't get into all of it now. So to go back to that moment in my boss' office. Was I surprised? Heck Yeah!!! I'd been working there for five years and had just started my sixth which I was hoping to complete. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't an ideal situation. Far from it. But I had made up my mind that having a job was better than having no job at all, especially because it allowed me to take care of a few extras for C. Plus, I was getting the experience I needed as someone who was new to the area and whose work expertise came mostly from the northeast where I started my career.
Looking back, I wonder if I did not make a mistake choosing to work close to home instead of looking for something that could have been better but further away. When I was ready to go back to work, I went to many job fairs and whenever I was lucky enough to get some face time, I always made a favorable impression. However, I found out really quickly that my experience, which up north was a plus, down here was a hindrance. Sure, administrators liked me but guess what they didn't like? The fact that I commanded a higher salary because of an advanced degree and years of experience. That sucked!!! There were a few places that were willing to hire me but these were usually located in rough areas and a lot further than I wanted them to be. At that time, all I was thinking about was C. What if C got sick and needed to be picked up from school? What if he had an asthma attack? What if this? What if that? I could not stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my son as I was getting ready to reenter the job market and I must admit that he was a determining factor of what job offer I would or would not accept. By then, I had been a stay at home mom for two and half years and was feeling apprehensive at the idea of not being around to watch over him even though he would be in preschool. Remember, C had only come home for the first time after nine months of hospital stay. He had been on oxygen and a vent for 16 months and had had a trach for two years. He had had major reconstructive surgery only 10 months before I went back to work. Even though he no longer had a trach, was no longer on a vent, did not have a nurse anymore and was finally getting to be like a regular kid, I was still afraid to leave him alone. So when I found out about this job, the one I just lost, I felt it was the answer to my prayers. It was only ten minutes from my house, ten minutes from C's preschool, just what I wanted. Well, just what I wanted in terms of location but definitely not in terms of compensation.
Still, this was going to be my first job as a woman with a child and since I had never done that before, had never been a working mom until then, I wasn't sure what to expect and so it was just as well to go with something a little different... I figured it would give me time to adjust while I learned to juggle career and motherhood. And Oh Boy, did I have to learn! It wasn't that everything was new to me. Technically, I was working in a field I had been trained for but let's just say, it was a different branch or division so some things were done differently and the expectations were different. It was my first time working with a start-up company and I found out there were many kinks to work out. I wasn't used to it but figured I'd use it as a learning opportunity and I did. It was tough. There were times when I would go almost an entire day without as much as a bathroom break. Then, because of the nature of the job, there were times I had to stay late just to finish my work. Fridays were always my late days. And when I say late, I mean Late, late days. We're talking 7:00 pm late when regular working hours were over at 3:30 pm. But I had to do what I had to do and since I was always running from one therapy session to the next with C every other day, I decided that Friday would be my "catch up" day. That was in addition to any work I had to take home because sometimes, I just needed to or I would have never left the place.
And so it went... And before you knew it, I had been there five full years. It wasn't that I didn't look for other jobs. I did. As C got better, I grew more comfortable with the idea of going a little further to find a better job. Every year, I would try to find and apply for other positions but budget cuts started, the economy took a hit and every industry suffered... I was essentially stuck. Not a good feeling to have. Although I liked my job, I felt I was working very hard for very little and, resented the fact that it was eating away at my family life. Still, I could not just slack off and, even when it meant staying up entire nights, I completed assignments and met deadlines. I did my job. I didn't spend too much time thinking about how my co-workers saw me or what they thought of me. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like me but I talked to everybody. Why not? Life was hard enough without going around trying to handpick who I would or would not talk to. I just didn't have the time nor the desire for such pesky things. So I guess I can say that I got along fairly well with everyone... It wasn't until some colleagues, parents and other folks started complimenting me that I realized that they saw me as a "good worker". OK... And then I moved on. It kind of went to the back of my mind because the job itself was so time-consuming, it required all of my attention.
And that's the job from which I was laid off, the job I lost.
Now I'm kind of just reassessing my priorities. Not that I don't need a job. Wish I didn't but I do... Our family needs the money. In fact, I kind of panicked at first and thought about getting any job I could get my hands on because I could not see myself just staying home after getting up every morning to go to work for the last five years and three months. And also...This may sound weird but I'm going to say it: I was ashamed. Ashamed to be out of work, ashamed to not have been good enough to keep my job. I knew better. I knew I was more than good enough for that job, but at the time, as I was sitting in that chair facing my boss, listening to him trying to explain why he had to let me go, listening to so many excuses that really did not make sense, it stung. It stung that he did not deem me good enough to keep, stung that I was the one he chose to cut from the staff to balance the budget even though we both knew I should have been the last one to go. I was offended, surprised because in truth, I knew I brought a lot to the table, had a lot more to offer than others, knew that I was dedicated, dependable, qualified and maybe because I knew, it hurt even more. But by the same token, knowing was what gave me strenght. Because I knew who I was and the kind of person I was, because I knew that my work talked for itself, I refused to engage in undignified begging, refused to shed a tear as I walked out of the office. As I got up to leave, I remember thinking: "you just lost a damn good employee and many people are going to be upset but you make your bed, you sleep in it". By the time the next week came around my feelings of embarrassment submerged me. Here I was, someone that many considered a really good employee, a professional and I had been axed. I wondered what my colleagues were thinking...But not for long. I had to face a wave of rumors, confront them, clarify and rectify them. I was happy that I was able to set things straight, saw that last week as an opportunity to clear my name and debunk some of the lies that were suddenly being told to justify the decision to let me go. I got to say goodbye to many of the people I had worked with the last couple of years, got to say goodbye to my kids, got every paper in working order and cleaned up my room really good. I left the place under a pouring rain but certain that I had left everything as it should be. Now, I'm going to listen to the people who really care about me, I'm going to follow their advice and I'm going to take the time to really look and think about what I want to do, what I can do, explore other areas as well. This layoff may have been the push I needed to get out of my comfort zone and really go beyond the familiar. Don't get me wrong... It doesn't make what happened or the way it happened any better. But since I tend to see the glass half-full, this will hopefully turn into a blessing in disguise. From my lips to God's Ears.
