Against the current

 I get the most unusual thoughts popping in my head at the most unexpected times. We just went through a hurricane. Well, we didn't get the full brunt of the storm but we sure felt its impact. My neighborhood looks exactly how I picture a place when I hear people say "it looks like a hurricane went through it". We have lots of fallen trees, my gutter is hanging by its side and our mailbox was knocked out by winds. And yet, we are lucky, so very lucky. We are alive and, all in all, we can still say that we have a place to stay, which is not the case for so many others. So many in the Caribbean and right here, in the Florida Keys, are homeless right now. And yes, unfortunately there were loss of lives as well. 😥😔😔 So in comparison, well, we are OK.
So I started sifting through those thoughts and not sure why, got to social expectations and the pressure of living up to them. For instance, I thought about the dress I picked out to wear at church today. It's a simple, summer style black maxi dress, with beautiful blue-green flower prints. I actually love that dress and only wear it when I'm doing something a little special. Today, I was rushing so I grabbed it because it was right there and I didn't want to be late. That dress has seen its share of social media pictures. I've worn it on several occasions and since I love to capture moments on camera, I'm pretty sure it's been displayed a few times. And even though I knew to fight against it, I started thinking, if I take a picture in that dress today, some people will comment, "here goes that same little dress again."  I don't think the people who make the comments are mean; most of them are probably not. It's just that society and trends and, unspoken rules have conditioned us, all of us, me included, to think that way. I'm aware of those thoughts. I'm aware that people probably have them sometimes when they survey me from head to toe.  But I've come not to care about it as much. It's not that other people's opinion of me does not matter. I'm not there yet. But I try to go against the current.
I can go with the same purse for weeks at a time because it's comfortable, practical, even though I have fancier, more expensive, brand-name purses strewn about my room and closet. Friends have teased me about that: "It's time to retire that purse". But I like that purse. For the time being, it fits the purpose so what does it matter, whether I use it a lot or not? Yes, sometimes, I use stuff when they're starting to get worn out. OK. I admit to it but to me, cleanliness matters a lot more, you know?
Plus, it's just not on the top of my list of priorities. I follow those norms, those unspoken rules that make us judge each other so harshly when we break them, if we dare to but every day? I don't have the energy to care that much about it.
My energy is spent mostly on trying to make it every day, on trying to deal with everything that's on my plate, served by a very capricious life. I use my energy to pray for courage and sustenance, to ask for more faith and patience, less fear. I just can't find enough interest left in keeping up with "when was the last time they saw me with that dress?" type of deal, all the time. I can't. I care, just not that much.
And I'm not sure people understand. See, when you deal with life or death situations, when those situations involve your direct family, everything changes. Your focus shifts from the superficial to the spiritual, the inner self and, your whole axis of perception tilts away from the mundane towards more profound, meaningful things in life. You want to live, to breathe, to be happy. You want to fight for what's right, for what truly matters. You start examining your purpose and whether you are making an impact. And what would your legacy be if you were to leave this world today. Those are the things that I consider now. Life, its purpose, connecting to others on a human, more personal level. And maybe that's what happened, what is happening to me. I'm  undergoing this transformation and I have no idea when the process will be complete nor how long it will take. But losing someone you love or, coming pretty close to, I think can have that effect on you. It had that effect on me. It's almost as if overnight, the world as I understood it, was realigned and things were reorganized, put in a new order. I suffered through it, more than doubled my weight, for instance, and that brought plenty of other ills and conditions but I do my best to confront and deal with it all. That's where my energy is these days. I'm not even sure I'm doing it right but that's what's taking up space in my head.
I still enjoy some of the same things yet, don't pursue them as vigorously. I still get tremendous joy out of listening to music yet, don't really find the time to do it for hours on end these days... That kind of thing. The things I love, the little things that make life more pleasurable are still there in my heart but they're not exactly way up there anymore.
So yes, I like fashion and enjoy experimenting with clothes but will brave society's ire and mockery if I want to wear something more than twice. I know what may be going on behind the stares but it just doesn't really make a huge difference. It matters, a little. bruises my ego, a little but not enough to make me stop. I'm going against the current, even if it means going against my own vanity.

We Are All Called To Walk Our Own Path

I haven't blogged in awhile because life has been crazy busy. I miss writing, miss this space where I come to write and reflect. Tonight, I felt compelled to write about life, choosing our path and confronting life. 
We are all called to walk our own path, to grow in strength in our own way. Each journey is unique, as unique as we are, as unique as our experiences are. Regardless of similarities,we confront our particular circumstances in a way that is very much our own. That is why I'm not surprised when even those closest to me, those who've known me my entire life even, may not completely relate to my reality, my way of handling that reality and the path I choose to take to confront that reality. Sometimes, if I'm being completely honest, sometimes my feelings get hurt but I know they all mean well, those who have been a part of my life since forever. So I've learned to accept without correcting or explaining. Sometimes it's better to just let things be... 
There is no one way, no one philosophy to adopt in order to grow, to learn, to find ourselves. It's an endeavor that may very well take a lifetime, right? And, maybe, if we're lucky we do get to learn, to grow and, to find those things that ground us, those things that allow us to defy the odds, to keep moving and living in the face of great adversity. I believe in being authentic, in acknowledging my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly. And who knows? Maybe that's why I'm able to always go back to joy, to finding it, to living with it even as I struggle to balance the many challenges in my life. That's me. That's my way. For others, growth may come from a special encounter, a guru, a newfound passion, an adopted philosophy. I don't believe that one way, one philosophy is necessarily better than another. For some people, a mix of many different philosophies might actually be what works. I mean, why deny the benefits of a particular lifestyle, approach, strategy or philosophy? The important thing is to keep growing, to keep moving forward, to keep learning. I'm for anything that does not consume the self, anything that leads to a healthier, better, self. And there are many ways to get there. As far as I'm concerned, there's no need to proclaim one way as "THE" way because it's not. We know that. We know that what works so well for one may completely bomb for another. Instead of competing or judging or, doing whatever it is that we do once we feel we have it figured out, let's just put it out there. Share it. Share what it is we are doing that is helping us feel grounded, share what we do to find our "center". Because we all do it our way. All of us growing and learning, maturing... We are doing it our way. As long as our way makes us better, stronger, healthier individuals, our way I think, may just be the best way for us.