Becoming The Mother He Needs Me To Be

People who meet me as a parent are always surprised at my tenacity.  When I react to something that I don't agree with, or decide on a course of actions, they act like "Whoa, where did that come from?" But why?  I'm just one of millions of parents who do what needs to be done every day for their kids.  What's so surprising about that?  But if they knew me, knew my story, maybe they would understand.  I'm the girl who refused to listen when the priest came to the chapel where I was praying that fateful night the hospital called us my husband and I, to say that it didn't look like our son was going to make it. He was trying to tell me that I needed to accept God's will but I refused to listen to him and instead, turned directly to the altar and kept praying. I was determined to fight for my kid and although, it looked like the the end was near, I didn't just sit around and waited for it to come.  I didn't want my son to die and my faith taught me that, when it looks like all is lost, you call God.  I wasn't going to accept this diagnosis without a fight.  I still remember how I felt that night and what I was thinking. "As long as my son is still breathing, I'm going to keep praying and keep asking God to spare his life". And boy did I pray!!! I prayed hard! I prayed completely inhibited because I was desperate. I knew this was a desperate situation. I had already been told but I loved my baby and wanted nothing more than to see him live.  This moment was like walking through a ring of fire. In my mind, I was saying "it ain't over until it's actually over.  No matter what the doctors and nurses said, as long as my baby is still breathing, it's not over so I'm going to keep on praying and crying and begging God for my son to live until there's no more reason to pray!" Thank God, I didn't need to get to that point. My son made it through that night ( I really hate thinking about that night). I can't even get past that moment to work on my next book but that's another story for another post.  Let's get back to this one.  So when people are surprised at my tenacity, at how hard I fight for my son, they should understand one thing:  I'm not going to give up.  I'm going to keep fighting for him, for his well-being, for his chance at independence and at living a good life. They need to understand what I went through and where I'm coming from to truly understand how I became the mother, the woman I am today and, why I don't just accept platitudes and excuses.  I'm the girl who doesn't back down, the girl who doesn't stop trying, doesn't stop fighting to get her son what she feels he needs to get better, to move ahead. I will always choose to fight until there's no more reason to fight, but until then, fight I will. My son has taught me to be persistent, to be bold and to seek answers. He needed me to become that mother. I didn't see it right away but it got clearer as time went on.  So now, when I have something to take care of, especially when it comes to my kid, I don't give up. If people try to write him off, to portray him as something he's not, as less than he is simply because they don't understand his needs, or sadly, because they do not want to take the time to get to know him, do not want to really help him, I speak up. I do not accept preconceived ideas and judgmental attitudes and I can smell them a mile away.  I'm the girl who makes phone calls, seeks information, researches the problem.  I talk to people, voice my concerns, ask questions and ask for help, too.  I don't always get what I want, what I hope for but it doesn't cross my mind one minute not to to try.  If one thing doesn't pan out, I try another. If one person doesn't listen or doesn't help, I keep trying, keep looking until I find someone who will listen because I've learned to do that: Not to give up until there's no other choice but to give in. I didn't think I had it in me. But apparently I do. By the grace of God, I do. 

Easter Reflections

Easter always brings me so much joy. It's really the culmination of my Christian faith, of its core beliefs. And where would I be without my faith? How many times have I come close to giving up hope, of despairing only to get back up and keep fighting the good fight because I have faith?  Listen, you may not believe what I believe and that's fine. I'm not here to tell you what to believe and how to live your life but I am sharing with you what brings me peace and gives me joy.  So whether you are of the Christian faith or not, believe in God or not, I urge you to find that something.  Find that something that fills you with a sense of peace and, when you do find it, hold on to it, cultivate it and nurture it and you will be surprised to see how much more grounded it makes you, how much more joy you find in everyday things.  So my message to you on this Easter Sunday is to find that something that fills you with a sense of peace, gives you hope and creates joy in your heart.  

I'm happy to have found mine. I'm grateful for the gift of faith that I've had since I was a little girl.  I'm in no way an expert, do not have what others call a prophetic faith but I cultivate a simple, strong and steady faith in God.  It doesn't mean that I don't get mad, angry or tired or, that I don't wonder why my life has been so full of trials and tribulations but, faith allows me to go on, to look past all the hurts, the anxiety and the stress and, to look for reasons to smiles, to be grateful.  It allows me to understand and feel other people's pain, to show compassion.  It helps me acknowledge my conscience, to hear that little voice in my head that cautions me when I'm about to embark on a dangerous path.  It doesn't make me a saint at all but it is a great ally on this journey full of uncertainties.  It allows me to feel connected to others, despite our differences, to think about ideas and examine messages from a different perspective.  Because of my faith, I remain optimistic about humanity and believe in the impossible, in the good that cannot be explained or justified.  I believe in miracles, in angels, both the ones traditionally described in story books and the ones who cross our paths as regular people.  Yes, I am very naive in some aspects but it hasn't really hurt me.  I'm still a fighter; I still speak up and take on fights that by all accounts are lost before they are even begun but that doesn't stop me from trying.  I struggle to understand the purpose behind a people's plea, individual sufferings but it doesn't turn me away from God.  Do I question all of that?  Of course I do! Sometimes I am perplexed by all I am witnessing: The hate, the selfishness, the cruelty but that, I tell myself, is not what I believe.  There are people who may use the name of God to justify hate, divisiveness and violence but I don't believe God condones any of these things.  I think people try to manipulate His message to fit their own narratives but I'm always careful about following any one person.  I know there are arguments against Christianity just like there are some against other faiths but I hold on to the basic tenets of Jesus' message:  Love and compassion.  That's it. These two ideas make up the core of my beliefs in the Christian faith.  Everything else is circumstantial and open to interpretations but whenever I'm in doubt, whenever I have questions, I go back to those two basic elements: Love and compassion.  Happy Easter Friends!

Miami Book Fair The Big Read Miami 2016 @Big Night in Little Haiti March...

Friday Evening, March 18th of 2016 was really special.  I was in great
company as part of a panel of Haitian-American authors invited to share
their stories under the sponsorship of The Miami Book Fair Big Read
initiative. The theme was immigration, immigrant experience and, so all
of us authors, shared pieces that reflected our immigrant experiences. 
It truly was a most delightful evening.  The star author, whose book,
Brother I'm Dying, is being featured during The Big Read campaign,
Edwidge Danticat, was also in attendance.  I was able to meet her and we
even exchanged a few words.  She was warm, welcoming, encouraging words
and even offered some words of advice to help me get over my fear of
emotional breakdown as I try to write my son's story.  This truly was a
very special evening.