Don't Be Afraid to Ask

This post is a pep talk to my soul. It's about God, my christian faith and the way I think about praying.  It's a little complicated but it is something that I struggle with, something I've been trying to confront for awhile but had not yet found the words for.

I attended church yesterday. Yes, I do go to church and, part of the homily was about not being afraid to ask God for what we want. One of the stories they read was about the time Mary asked Jesus to perform His first miracle by turning water into wine. I don't remember exactly what the priest said but I remember him explaining how Mary had complete confidence in Jesus' ability to do something to change the situation.  She had faith in Him and, because she had faith, she asked and waited. She knew He would do something.
I'm talking about this because I've been struggling with specifically that: Asking. In fact, I am absolutely afraid to ask. Not because I don't believe in God. I do. I believe God exists, I believe in His Love, in His Peace and His Faithfulness. Yet, there are things I am afraid to ask Him.
You see, God was there for me and answered my prayers when I was in a very dark place in my life, when I thought I was about to lose my son, when doctors told me to brace myself and get ready for the worst.  He was there when I was desperate and had no more words to pray, no more strength.  I would cry alone in my car and would talk to Him then. I would be in bed and would cry quietly, afraid someone would hear me.  God was there for these times. For my son, for my husband.  He saw me through these really hard times and He answered my prayers. When doctors only had bad news, when they told me to come say goodbye to my son that one night or, to get our affairs in order because they didn't believe there was a chance of survival that other time, I lost it. I yelled, I cried but I prayed. I prayed with tears, while sobbing but I prayed. These were really, really hard times for me and then, it did not come to pass, the predictions didn't come true.  And that's why I feel like, since He granted me such great victories, I should never ask for anything that isn't related to life or death, no matter how bad things get, how bleak the times. I feel like He gave me such great gifts, such wonderful reasons to be happy already and, I am so grateful that I am afraid to ask for anything else.  What else could matter more than life itself, I tell myself?  Is it weird? Maybe. I don't know.

I wonder if anybody else goes through this or if it's just me but it's definitely hindering my optimism. After going through so much crap and coming out on the other side, I just don't feel like I should be asking for anything else.  After all, I get to see the people I love every day when I came so close to losing them and it really was nothing short of a miracle that they are alive today so when I pray, I am afraid to ask for anything that is not life-changing. Oh, I'll pray about the things I assume everybody who prays, prays about: Thanking God for His Blessings and the things I do have; I'll ask that He continues to watch over the ones I love but I always hesitate to ask for more, for anything related to financial stability for example. I will pray about jobs and such, for my family, for anyone I know needing a prayer but when it comes to me, I feel like I was so immensely blessed already by having my family here with me today, when I was told that it wouldn't be so, that I just don't really feel like I should ask for anything more. It's a real struggle, it really is. Who am I to ask for more when I already got so much of what I really wanted already? I tell myself. I have all that really matters, I remind myself all the time.  Does this mean I don't think I'm worthy of more? Of more blessings? I don't think so. I just feel that the blessings I have received are so precious, that should be it, I shouldn't ask for anything else, not unless it's a desperate situation in which case, I know He will be there for me because He was before when I hit rock bottom and He always is. I trust that He knows my needs and my wants so I leave it at that and do not speak them out loud, do not mention them when I pray.  The scriptures say "Ask and you shall receive." I was reminded again at church:  "You should ask".  And yet, I have a hard time asking.
So how do I get past this? How do I get past this feeling of "No, I shouldn't. He gave me so much already? So what if things are not perfect. I'll survive. As long as the most important people in my life are OK, I can take anything else." How do I get past that?  Because that's how it's been. I'm stuck at that stage and can't seem to move on from there. It's pitiful. Don't be afraid to ask. Maybe I feel ungrateful when I think of asking for other things. Things that don't pertain to life or death but would help improve my life. I should. I should clear my head and embrace this complete, absolute faith.  I should try to just go for it next time I pray. I need to let go of that survivor guilt, because really, that's kind of what this is, I think. I shouldn't feel undeserving of nothing else when I believe so strongly that I am precious in the eyes of God, that His love for me is greater than I can imagine. I have to push past those feelings and ask with faith, knowing that things may not happen as I expect them to, in my own timing but, that good things will happen. So ok. Don't be afraid to ask.