I'll admit it. Maybe I'm too cautious but it takes me forever to make a decision, especially when the decision may have a direct impact on my family life. However, when the same things have been nagging at me for the last couple of years, when the voice in my head saying it's time for a change has been getting louder and louder,  maybe it's time I listen to it. I guess change is scary and there's also the investment of time and the fear of the unknown but, I've debated long enough. Time to tackle my fears and just try something a little different.
I wish I could simply wake up one day and decide "this is it" and just do it. Make that change I've been yearning for. I really wish I could. I know people around me who have and whenever I hear their stories, I'm so envious of their courage, guts, defiance against life's demands. "Why can't I do that" I would wonder, "why can't I be like them and just make up my mind?" And I would feel frustrated, trapped. It's not that anyone is forcing me to do or not to do anything. No one is telling me "Just stay where you are. Keep doing what you've been doing all these years" but I feel like I would be acting irresponsibly if I just got up and left something that I know how to do only to go for uncertainty.
Now, lately it has occurred to me that my current work situation may not be the best one for my family.  It's not always like that but the past year has been a particularly challenging one.  I've had to navigate a new and difficult environment with very little help but, where it directly impacted my family was that there was just a lot more associated with this year's assignment. A lot more prep time needed to get things done, a lot more follow-up work to ensure that they're done properly, a lot more time thinking and stressing about what will happen, what may happen.  I had to worry about that and still be the person I wanted to be, that I needed to be for my family.  And all in all, nothing matters more to me than the two people I share my life with every day. Nothing.
So there goes my conundrum. I see how time is slipping away, forcing me to put precious plans, important life plans on the back burner all because I'm too busy with the demands of a temporary, volatile assignment. The good? Well, can't complain about compensation though it's not perfect but hey, I'll take it. The bad? it's costing me so much of my personal life, costing me so much of my family time. And I know what the argument is: You make sacrifices. I know all about that argument. Sacrifices. My whole adult life has been about sacrifices. In fact, if I do go ahead and make a change,  it won't be to satisfy a selfish need to go and spread my wings in the great blue uncertain sky. It will be to dedicate my free time entirely to my family and to my home life, something I'm having a hard time doing right now. Oh, I still manage to do the important things but, it's like they say: Something's gotta give, right? And that's usually what ends up happening. When I need to focus on an important matter, the other side suffers. Always. Always.
Can't go on like this so, I decided to take a real, hard look at my life, all aspects of my life. After acknowledging all of my feelings, the joy I found in some assignments, the distraught I felt in others, I realized that whether permanent or temporary, it would serve me well to try something else, something of a different nature.  Doesn't even have to be completely different. Could be something as simple as focusing on different areas of my assignment, try to serve in a different capacity but try something else and see whether it leaves me more time to be with my family.