I'm Forty!!!

I'm forty-years old! Me!!! Oh My God! I know. I know that age is nothing but a number but when that number now applies directly to me, the truth is that age is then a little more than just a number... So I've been forty for three days now and it feels... weird, sexy, a little scary...  I've reached a milestone and depending on who I talk to, I'm either "over the hill", officially "old" or, about to start the best years of my life as a woman.  I'm nervous about being forty. I'm not going to lie. I've only been forty for three days and I already miss my thirties. Funny enough, I don't miss my twenties, well, I miss my twenty-year old body but I don't miss being a twenty year old. I didn't know enough and I made silly mistakes when I was in my twenties but my thirties were something else. It was in my thirties that I really started building my life. Whatever foundations I had laid in my twenties, I either reinforced or took apart to lay back differently in my thirties. I was making my way, forging ahead in my thirties, finding my own direction. I also found out a lot about myself, about who I was as a person in my thirties. I've lived the toughest times of my life in my thirties and survived to tell the tale and I'm really proud of that.  Yep. I loved my thirties.  I've always been very social and during my thirties, I fully explored that side of my personality.  I mc'ed a few weddings for friends, hosted girls' nights and attended different group activities. I listened to music, went out dancing, showed my support for some bands and felt it was OK to be silly, to be seized by a fit of laughter when with friends and to laugh until I was out of breath. The best part was that my parents no longer had any authority over me.  Parents may still hover over you in your twenties but they definitely let go, they finally stop treating you like a kid for good in your thirties. So  I was an adult who was seeing what it meant to have complete freedom.  The freedom of being in charge of myself, of  earning a living so that I did not need any handouts from my parents and could do exactly as I pleased. Things got though but I also found out in my thirties that it was OK to need help if things got tough along the way because it had already been established that I was a responsible adult and could take care of myself.  By the same token, I also started paying attention to what was happening in my community, in my country, in the world.  I became more interested in politics, following the news, staying informed and researching potential candidates.  It became important to me to know more about my party and those whose work in government affected my life.  I realized that I had a voice and that I could be heard if I chose to speak up.  In my thirties, I became more comfortable with my faith, not understanding everything but embracing the idea that there was a God and that I believed in Him.  I became a mother in my thirties, too. And it changed my life.  So that's why I loved my thirties. 
But now I'm forty and yes, I am nervous.  Even tough, in many instances, 35 to 44 year-old are often lumped together in the same group, I feel like there are new expectations associated with being forty maybe because of all these "over the hills jokes".  What will being forty feel like? What will it be like?  Will I stop listening to music or will I still  like it? And if I still like it, will I be weird, eccentric? Nah... I don't really care about being labeled weird or eccentric anyway.  But, will I still enjoy dancing or will my body force me to stop? Right now I don't feel it but what about a year from now?  Will I still get the giggles whenever I think of something funny and will I let myself laugh it out?  So all these questions about what will change and what will stay the same are making me nervous now that I'm officially a mature woman.  Well, if I'm to believe those statistical forms, I've been a mature woman since I was 35 but still.. 
I'm also curious about being forty... Maybe because I'm thinking about all those things they usually say about women in their forties and I'm wondering if there's any truth to them. You know what I'm talking about: "The forties are the best years of a woman's life" or that "women reach their sexual peak at forty..." Yes, these sayings...I'm curious to see if any of them will hold true for me. And, because I'm curious to see what happens in my forties, I'm also excited. Who would not be excited to know that they're about to reach their sexual peak, c'mon!!! And then, I feel "old", like officially "old". Now, when they talk about people being over the hill, I'll be included in that group. Yikes! That's a tough one to think about. Why over the hill? It's not like I have nothing left to look forward to.  I still have many things I'd like to accomplish, many dreams that I'd like to see come true.  I may have climbed many hills but I feel like I haven't been on top of my personal hill, yet. I'm not completely satisfied with my life. I'm not at a point where I can sit down, cross my arms, look around and say "I did good and now I'm done". I wonder if any forty year-old has ever done that? Well, I can't. I'm not done. I still need to do things, still need to live my life. I still have a few dreams that I'd like to pursue and a few crazy things I'd like to try. And in a way, turning forty kind of makes me feel like I've finally reached a point where I don't have to explain what I'm doing to anyone except to the person who's sharing my life journey with me, the one who's living it all with me. It's as if turning forty has finally set me free, legitimized my adulthood, my right to want to live life on my own terms without worrying so much about what those around me may think because now, I'm not just an adult. I'm an "over the hill" adult. So no more "you still have a lot to learn" or, "you're still young" or, as they like to say in creole "se pa vini wap vini"(which means you're getting there... Your turn will come type of thing). I feel liberated, adult, mature, yet vibrant, sexy, confident in my ability to make decisions for my life and that of my family, secure in the knowledge that I have lived a little, seen some crap, dealt with it and now know better than to jump in with my eyes shut closed. And, that, to tell you the truth makes me feel pretty powerful, in control. I think I'm going to still love reading romance novels, still enjoy writing, dancing and listening to music but I feel like now I'm living life with my eyes wide open.   It's in me. I feel it. It's just... different. C'est comme une ebullition, like something in me is rumbling and is about to erupt, to come free, like some energy that's been tightly contained and is now just begging for release. And as a result, a few months back, I started to live more intensely, to really enjoy dancing in my husband's arms, to breathe in the smell of my perfume, to slowly sip my glass of wine. I take more pleasure than before in doing those things that are satisfying to me and I fight harder for those things that are important or vital to the well-being of those I care about and, to my well-being as well.  Accrued confidence and clarity of mind and purpose. The forties. I think I'm going to like it here.  Welcome to the Sexy Forties. Cheers!