Learned, Tried and True

Life can be as simple or as complicated as we make it and, if we consider the fact that some things are inherently complicated, doesn’t it become even more important to un-complicate the things we can? There are situations that are out of our control and, when they do arise, these situations can bring to our lives, an unimaginable level of complications along with anxiety, depression and sometimes loss. So in light of all of this, why make mountains out of molehills that are in fact just that, molehills? Sometimes, it’s better to step away from a situation, distance ourselves from it so that we can look at the whole picture for, once we start focusing on all the details, picking apart every word, every action, every situation, we will almost always find cause for discontent, almost always. 

What Have I Learned from This Past Year?

So... A year has just ended and another one is just beginning.  What have I learned from this past year? The truth?  Pain. I learned a lot about pain this past year.  I learned that pain is strong and real and scary.  I think of PAIN in bold, fiery letters.  I also think of FAITH and LOVE. I think of disappointment and deception. I think of all the ways life has me cornered, unable to do what I truly feel or want. I think of the ways I would change things if I could, the things I would bring forth in my life and that of the ones I love.
It's hard. It's no secret that it's been a tough year. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever known another year as tough as the one that just went by. True, the year I gave birth to my son 16 weeks early and lived through his 9 months of hospital stay was a tough one, too. But though I had many deeply emotional weeks, days, and moments, they somehow fade a little in comparison to the Pain I felt last year. The fear I knew, became intimately acquainted with this past year. I mean, I've felt pain and have been afraid before but never so ferociously or so suddenly.  Sometimes, a situation develops and you can predict that pain will come at some point so you kind of steel yourself in expectation of the negative emotions you know are coming your way. But, sometimes, pain thunders through your life unannounced, uninvited, like a violent storm, a storm that threatens to completely destroy you, to toss you up in the air before slamming you down to the ground in thousands of broken pieces. I'm not sure I'm describing it correctly but yes, that's the kind of pain I felt this past year. And when you feel this kind of pain, it brings about a visceral fear. A fear of uncertainties, of horrific scenarios, fear of the future, fear of the present. This kind of pain brings about unreasonable wishes, crazy dreams of magical powers where you can change events with just the touch of a wand. It brings about an illogical desire to turn back time and set it to happier days when Pain was manageable and understandable. 
It's not something you can really explain. I can't really explain it though I try. It's just an unbelievably scary, achingly dark feeling. I don't know what else to say about that.
And on the other side of pain there is Faith-Love-Despair and Hope all mixed into one. There is the light brought on by helping hands and soothing words, of caring shoulders and comforting words. There is the cross of Jesus Christ and the child like faith set in one's heart. There are rallies of prayers and phone calls and emails, the quiet presence of loving ones. It doesn't take away the pain but it helps you breathe through it all. It's suffocating at times the Pain, like barbed wire holding you hostage:  Your nose, your neck, your mouth, your chest, a burning imprint on your heart and all of your senses, something that may even consume you whole if not for the hands holding you still.
I know of physical pain of course. Pain caused by an injury, a fall, a punch, an illness. Pain brought on by the lacerations of a whip or horrific harm done to ones' body. I know this pain is horrible, too. But emotional pain is right up there with the worst of them. The pangs of despair that come unannounced, that rob you of sleep and crash through your heart. And you're lying there wondering if they'll ever stop! If you'll ever stop feeling this hurt, this miserable.
Somehow you make it through. You don't know how, you're not sure how but you make it through the stormy days. God's Love and Mercy help you through.  Love and Kindness sustain you. Faith gives you Hope to keep believing and somehow you make it through. 
And you start laughing again one day. You remember what gives you joy, play some music, talk to some friends, watch a movie or read a book. You felt broken and now you're here. You're living life not knowing how and you look around with a smile knowing that God's Mercy is at work here.  

It's Election Season...

I'm not sure where to start. It's election season so everyone's pretty fired up. Democrats are defending their positions with fiery passion and republicans are attacking relentlessly.  I've said it before but I do get tired of people trying to get fellow Americans to change party on the premise that their vision of life or, of what they stand for is more in alignment with whatever party they're not a part of at the time.  Just let people embrace whatever fits their beliefs! Whatever works for you is for you alone. You fight for what you believe in and I'll fight for what I believe in.
I tend to avoid political discussions with friends, relatives and acquaintances who do not share my political beliefs.  I find that it's just simpler that way.  Now, I feel a lot more at ease carrying on a political discussion in the context of a political forum and love to watch and even at times, participate in the debate that usually follows political news.
I am a catholic Christian and God plays a very important role in my life but I can't vote republican. I think it's just hypocritical and I would love the chance to explain my position.  I see many minority figures in the republican party, many of them are immigrants but nothing, nothing in the republican party's policies is geared towards helping immigrants. That's one. Second, I am pretty much against war unless I'm being attacked and need to defend myself. The republicans  seems to revel in the idea of war-mongering and bring up the possibility of war whenever they are given a chance.  Third, I worry about the environment which the republican party always seems to put on the back burner but I do worry about the ozone layer, our natural resources and using cleaner fuel.  I wonder about the protection of earth's eco-system, wonder about the damage being done, what exactly earth will be like 20, 50, 100 years from now and whether my son, my nieces and nephews and all the kids from their generation will be able to walk and breathe clean air after I'm gone.
And, let's not forget: Education!!!!!!!!!!! I am a teacher. Even if I'm thinking about a change of career, I've taught long enough and can't help but react when I see, hear of, and feel the changes that the republican party makes to education.  Whenever they're in power, education always gets the ax.  They just don't seem to value it at all.  Or rather, since many of them either live in affluent neighborhoods with good schools, send their kids to expensive, elite private schools or homeshool them, they fail to understand how important, how vital education is for the general population, for the ones who don't have other options.  Why is that? They refuse to acknowledge the fact that seeking financial assistance to pay for college is something that more than half of college students do in order to complete their education and act as if everyone has the means to pay for a college education out of pocket.  Yes, the government gives Pell grants, but that's almost never enough and most of the students who need the help to pay almost always end up taking out student loans.  I never understood why college was so unaffordable to the average person but that's another story for another time.  So, if the republican party is advocating that only those people who can pay for college themselves be the ones to attend, the country would in turn suffer a tremendous setback in terms of educated workforce and companies would go looking for qualified workers in countries that yield a higher percentage of college-educated people.  And there would start another source of trouble for our economy. 
I absolutely despise the way the republican party always  finds ways to cut funds to education no matter what they are being used for.  They find a way to cut education even in areas that already suffer from a lack of, or from not enough money but they do it anyway, they do it every time.  And somehow, teachers always find themselves targeted as the reason why things aren't working.  Public schools find themsleves in the hot seat and choice is offered as a solution.  Choice schools or as we call them Charter schools are run by coroporations and claim to offer a better alternative than the failing neighborhood schools.  Some do perform better than their local public schools.  They are not required to abide exactly by the same regulations as their local public schools so they have the flexibility to adopt a different curriculum and discipline model.  However, while charter schools do not charge students for attending their schools, they definitely find ways to make money off of these students.  They are for-profit public schools.  They are run by corporations and corporations have to make a profit.  Why not apply some of the things that work in the successful charter schools to the failing public schools?  No, instead we see a proliferation of charter schools mostly in poor, working class neighborhoods, many of them lacking in appropriate resources and services for the students they serve even when they, in fact tend to attract the students who actually require a high level of support if they are to succeed.  They hire teachers at a lower salary than the traditional public schools because, again they have to make a profit and thanks to the downturn the economy took over 8 years ago, manage to attract qualified teachers because these teachers need a job, and can't find one in their local public schools.  Why? Because of the cuts that are made to education.  But yet, politicians, most of them republicans, go on blaming the teachers.  That's why I want to leave teaching: It has become too politicized. I'm about the kids but they don't want me to work with the kids. They want me to abide by a bunch of  senseless rules and that's how I'm being judged. I'm a good, caring, nurturing teacher if I am to believe parents and colleagues.  I work hard to bring my students' grade up, to make sure they learn and walk way with new knowlege when they leave my class but republicans make it harder on me and others like me. I resent that.  I often think about that and wonder whether any of the people coming up with these new rules are teachers, or have ever step foot in a classroom other than as a student, parent or politician looking for that photo op. Teachers spend hours upon hours of their personal time getting ready for lessons with students in mind but politicians, many of them republicans, argue that teachers have it way too easy the way they earn a living and advocate for performance-based raise and salary.  Never mind that teachers are already at the bottom of the list when it comes to salary.  They earn less than other professionals with a college degree in the course of their career and are required to pursue advance degrees for a chance to increase their earnings, thus putting even more strain on already streched salaries but it's never enough for republicans.  It's almost as if teachers are the enemy, as if it's their fault schools are not performing up to expectations. I won't even get into all the variables that strongly impact education performance in children but I do wish republicans would go teach in the failing schools of their neighborhood and then, would love for them to come and talk to me. 
And now, on to women's issues.  I'm sorry, what is it with republicans and women???!!! What are they doing there? Why are they trying to turn the clock back on all the progress that's been made in regards to women's rights? We're still not at the mountain top and they're already trying to bring us back down.  I can't support that.  There's women pay and then, there's abortion and planned parenthood.  You know what?  I can't tell people what to do when it comes to abortion.  I have no right. I am a Christian, yes I am. But God made us with free will and, I respect people's rights to choose.  I certainly don't think I'm in a position to tell anyone how to live their lives or what to do.  People have a right to choose according to their conscience and I don't agree with the republicans' approach to the whole question of abortion.  Legal rape???!!! Seriously?!!! I can't begin to imagine what I would do, how I would feel and it's just a very, very personal choice. Plus, birth control.  That's just an invasion of privacy in my view.  And they(republicans) talk about not wanting government interference in their life. But yet, they're OK with telling everyone else how to live theirs? I don't think so. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
And please, VOTER'S RIGHTS!!!!!!! The way the republican party is trying to suppress the vote of minority and democrat-leaning pockets in different parts of the country is just shameful.  It just infuriates me to see the shenanigans going on just to make it harder for people to vote. Republicans really don't want Obama to get a second term and they're risking everything to see that it doesn't happen.  But history will judge this period of American politics and history is a merciless judge, isn't it?  Something everyone needs to think about it anyway. 
I have my convictions.  While my husband bleeds democrat, I don't consider myself  fanatical and try to look at things objectively. If the democrats mess up on an issue, I usually engage my husand in a debate about that.  Some may even call me an independent I guess and maybe I am but, when it comes to party affiliations, I'm a democrat.  I may not agree with everything they do (the democrats) but I definitely have more in common with them than I do with the republicans.  I just don't believe in their ideology.  They talk so much about God's teachings but seem to do exactly the opposite of these teachings.  Based on my observations, republicans pretty much seem to believe and live by the motto "Every man/woman for himself or herself" and may the best one get ahead.  C'mon. Read the bible.  God doesn't do that.  Jesus never preached that when He walked the earth.  In fact, he preached the opposite.  "Love thy brother as I have loved you".  I always say that actions speak louder than words:  If you're going to talk the talk, you've got to walk the walk.  I believe in working hard and doing the best that I can for myself and for my family but does that mean I should just worry about me and never look back to lend a helping hand to those in need?  
I don't need to get into the specifics of social problems and sociology 101 but how can a whole group be expected to rise from poverty without any sort of financial backing?  Yes, everyone can work hard and become rich and live the American dream but it's easier to buy a restaurant, start up a business or afford a college education, where  valuable connections are made, when your parents spend years saving for you.  And yes, parents work hard to save that money for their kids; I work hard to pay for my son's therapy sessions but for many, many years, one group had access to many opportunities while another group was denied these opportunities. So for that group, only a few came out of poverty and moved up the social ladder while the other group kept moving ahead steadily.  The group that had it tough for so long has made some progress, too but at a much slower rate/pace than the group that was given so many generous opportunities since the days of early America. This is not to say that the members of this group (opportunity), did not have to work hard, I know they did. but they were getting paid, they saw the fruits of their labor and there resides the main difference. They saw the fruits of their labor. Slaves waited how many years before getting paid for their labor??? How many?  So yes, one group had a nice head start while the other joined in the game way, way later.  I think things are starting to change. I think that maybe, hopefully, by the time my son's generation has its own kids, American society will be more pluralistic and equal in terms of education, opportunities and achievement but we're not there yet.  Not by a long shot.  But republicans refuse to acknowledge this reality.  It's there, it's true, it's known but they refuse to address it. I can't vote for a party that does that!
Now, if the republicans start aligning themselves with these things I believe in, well, shoot, I'll become republican. If they start showing an interest in helping the poor and the destitute, the vulnerable and the weak, such as children and the elderly, if they start talking more about unity and less about war, and if somehow, the democratic party loses its way, and the republican party starts shifting gears and singing a different tune, then, maybe I'll embrace its policies. I know the democratic party has its flaws but I'll take what I consider the lesser of two evils, the one that speaks more to my conscience as a person and to my vision of the world over the one that is so dramatically opposite to my views.  And God will judge me. No one else.  

I'm Still Lucky Enough to Be Married to A Great Guy

The other part of me. I almost lost it. This part that is vital to my happiness, the other half of my heart... It's been five months since I last posted on this blog and I consider it a special blessing that I'm able to do so today. Because truth be told, I'm not sure I would have gone back to blogging if my worst fears had materialized, at least not for awhile.  It was such a close call. I don't know how it is for other people but for me, I never fully understood the depth of my love for my other half until that moment when loosing him became a very real possibility.  In my heart, there's still shock, and disbelief and just confusion... And gratitude, and surprise and just shock... Still. It came out of nowhere, disguised as a cold. Completely hidden under coughs and drowsiness. I had no clue. I knew something was amiss, but what ended up happening was what I expected the least. It came from nowhere and hit me upside the head, threw me down and I thought I would stop breathing. It was one of the scariest, craziest, weirdest days I have ever lived. You know, I had this kind of day before. When C was still in the NICU(Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), I got a phone call urging me to come to the hospital because he couldn't breathe; the nurses and doctors were at his bedside trying to oxygenate but he wasn't getting better. They were fearing the worst. It was a nightmare then. It really was. It's still a pretty tough thing to think about so when this happened, this new, crazy, disbelievable moment when I was told almost the same thing...I felf like it was deja vu, like: Wait a minute! I've been here before, I've been in a place where they wanted me te be prepared for the worst.  Oh No, no, no!!!!!!!!!!! Not again.... Not him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And my head just exploded. I felt like a gunshot had gone through it and it was just painfulf, sheer, absolute pain. I just could not bring myself to listen to anymore of this nonsense. I refused to listen. I just couldn't. I walked away. I had a friend with me and I know she held me up but I wanted her to let me go. I just wanted to hide from this nightmarish possibility. I wanted to crawl in a hole, under a chair, under a bed and just close my eyes. It was the same as before but worst, more intense. It was like my arms had been cut off. I became limp I think and I really don't remember what happened. I know people were there. I remember people coming and I couldn't keep my composure. Me, who actually don't like to show emotion in front of stangers... It was just one of those things where I could not control the reaction. And I really did not want to talk. But I had to. Had to because just like I had to for C, I had to make decisions quickly, and pray hard to fight hard. I really don't know why God feels I can handle all of this because I feel, felt broken. Broken then and broken again when this happened. I really get it you know. I get how people feel when  they get bad news. I get how they feel and imagine that, for the ones who experience the actual loss, the pain has to be even worse, more intense. Because I came so close... But, Thank You God, here I am writing about this today. Still weak from it all, still walking the path but so glad my fears did not materialize. So very lucky and thankful, grateful.

Five weeks already

Just like that, five weeks ago my life went from routine to unpredictable. I was called into my boss' office to find out that I was being let go because of budget cuts.  Now, that's the simplified version.  There's more to the story but I can't get into all of it now.  So to go back to that moment in my boss' office.  Was I surprised? Heck Yeah!!! I'd been working there for five years and had just started my sixth which I was hoping to complete. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't an ideal situation. Far from it. But I had made up my mind that having a job was better than having no job at all, especially because it allowed me to take care of a few extras for C. Plus, I was getting the experience I needed as someone who was new to the area and whose work expertise came mostly from the northeast where I started my career. 
Looking back, I wonder if I did not make a mistake choosing to work close to home instead of looking for something that could have been better but further away.  When I was ready to go back to work, I went to many job fairs and whenever I was lucky enough to get some face time, I always made a favorable impression.  However, I found out really quickly that my experience, which up north was a plus, down here was a hindrance.  Sure, administrators liked me but guess what they didn't like? The fact that I commanded a higher salary because of an advanced degree and years of experience.  That sucked!!! There were a few places that were willing to hire me but these were usually located in rough areas and a lot further than I wanted them to be.  At that time, all I was thinking about was C. What if C got sick and needed to be picked up from school? What if he had an asthma attack? What if this? What if that? I could not stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong with my son as I was getting ready to reenter the job market and I must admit that he was a determining factor of what job offer I would or would not accept. By then, I had been a stay at home mom for two and half years and was feeling apprehensive at the idea of not being around to watch over him even though he would be in preschool.  Remember, C had only come home for the first time after nine months of hospital stay.  He had been on oxygen and a vent for 16 months and had had a trach for two years.  He had had major reconstructive surgery only 10 months before I went back to work.  Even though he no longer had a trach, was no longer on a vent, did not have a nurse anymore and was finally getting to be like a regular kid, I was still afraid to leave him alone. So when I found out about this job, the one I just lost, I felt it was the answer to my prayers.  It was only ten minutes from my house, ten minutes from C's preschool, just what I wanted. Well, just what I wanted in terms of location but definitely not in terms of compensation. 
Still, this was going to be my first job as a woman with a child and since I had never done that before, had never been a working mom until then, I wasn't sure what to expect and so it was just as well to go with something a little different... I figured it would give me time to adjust while I learned to juggle career and motherhood.  And Oh Boy, did I have to learn! It wasn't that everything was new to me.  Technically, I was working in a field I had been trained for but let's just say, it was a different branch or division so some things were done differently and the expectations were different.  It was my first time working with a start-up company and I found out there were many kinks to work out. I wasn't used to it but figured I'd use it as a learning opportunity and I did. It was tough. There were times when I would go almost an entire day without as much as a bathroom break. Then, because of the nature of the job, there were times I had to stay late just to finish my work. Fridays were always my late days. And when I say late, I mean Late, late days. We're talking 7:00 pm late when regular working hours were over at 3:30 pm. But I had to do what I had to do and since I was always running from one therapy session to the next with C every other day, I decided that Friday would be my "catch up" day.  That was in addition to any work I had to take home because sometimes, I just needed to or I would have never left the place.
And so it went... And before you knew it, I had been there five full years.  It wasn't that I didn't look for other jobs. I did. As C got better, I grew more comfortable with the idea of  going a little further to find a better job.  Every year, I would try to find and apply for other positions but budget cuts started, the economy took a hit and every industry suffered...  I was essentially stuck. Not a good feeling to have.  Although I liked my job, I felt I was working very hard for very little and, resented the fact that it was eating away at my family life. Still, I could not just slack off and, even when it meant staying up entire nights, I completed assignments and met deadlines. I did my job.  I didn't spend too much time thinking about how my co-workers saw me or what they thought of me.  I'm sure there were some people who didn't like me but I talked to everybody.  Why not? Life was hard enough without going around trying to handpick who I would or would not talk to. I just didn't have the time nor the desire for such pesky things. So I guess I can say that I got along fairly well with everyone... It wasn't until some colleagues, parents and other folks started complimenting me that I realized that they saw me as a "good worker". OK... And then I moved on. It kind of went to the back of my mind because the job itself was so time-consuming, it required all of my attention.
And that's the job from which I was laid off, the job I lost.
Now I'm kind of just reassessing my priorities.  Not that I don't need a job. Wish I didn't but I do... Our family needs the money.  In fact, I kind of panicked at first and thought about getting any job I could get my hands on because I could not see myself just staying home after getting up every morning to go to work for the last five years and three months.  And also...This may sound weird but I'm going to say it: I was ashamed. Ashamed to be out of work, ashamed to not have been good enough to keep my job.  I knew better. I knew I was more than good enough for that job, but at the time, as I was sitting in that chair facing my boss, listening to him trying to explain why he had to let me go, listening to so many excuses that really did not make sense, it stung. It stung that he did not deem me good enough to keep, stung that I was the one he chose to cut from the staff to balance the budget even though we both knew I should have been the last one to go.  I was offended, surprised because in truth, I knew I brought a lot to the table, had a lot more to offer than others, knew that I was dedicated, dependable, qualified and maybe because I knew, it hurt even more.  But by the same token, knowing was what gave me strenght.  Because I knew who I was and the kind of person I was, because I knew that my work talked for itself, I refused to engage in undignified begging, refused to shed a tear as I walked out of the office.  As I got up to leave, I remember thinking: "you just lost a damn good employee and many people are going to be upset but you make your bed, you sleep in it".  By the time the next week came around my feelings of embarrassment submerged me.  Here I was, someone that many considered a really good employee, a professional and I had been axed.  I wondered what my colleagues were thinking...But not for long.  I had to face a wave of rumors, confront them, clarify and rectify them.  I was happy that I was able to set things straight, saw that last week as an opportunity to clear my name and debunk some of the lies  that were suddenly being told to justify the decision to let me go.  I got to say goodbye to many of the people I had worked with the last couple of years, got to say goodbye to my kids, got every paper in working order and cleaned up my room really good.  I left the place under a pouring rain but certain that I had left everything as it should be.  Now, I'm going to listen to the people who really care about me, I'm going to follow their advice and I'm going to take the time to really look and think about what I want to do, what I can do, explore other areas as well.  This layoff may have been the push I needed to get out of my comfort zone and really go beyond the familiar.  Don't get me wrong... It doesn't make what happened or the way it happened any better. But since I tend to see the glass half-full, this will hopefully turn into a blessing in disguise. From my lips to God's Ears.

What Happens to Real Joy and All of That Good Stuff When Women Get Together?

As women, we are all guilty of it, myself included.  We come together as a group and almost immediately, the cattiness begins: The dirty looks, the snide remarks, the inside jokes meant to make others feel left out.  We sputter our rosary or bible verses like there is no tomorrow. We pepper the day with inspirational quotes but seem to forget all about them when we are together.  We seek peace and tranquility,  inner joy is the goal yet, we're not afraid to show our teeth whenever we're together.  What happens to serenity, harmony and all of that good stuff when we are together? What happens to karma and what goes around comes around?  We talk the talk but are we walking the walk?  What is it? What is it that makes us want to get to each other that way? Why do we act one way when we are alone and transform into completely different, barely recognizable individuals when we are together? Are we caught in the moment? And when in the moment, are we losing sight of the bigger picture? The picture of who we want to be? Who we perceive ourselves to be as women? 
We all like to paint a pretty picture of ourselves in the private mirror in our head. It's all about self-esteem of course.  And why shouldn't we boost ourselves up by perceiving ourselves as caring, loving, supportive women?  We work hard.  Many  of us have the difficult task of raising a family sometimes on our own. We go to school while holding full-time jobs so yes Darn it we deserve the praise!  We are strong, capable and resourceful individuals. We carry a heavy load.   And now, we also aim for something higher.  We want true joy.  We have embarked on a quest to find what makes life worth living and to help us in our quest, we've surrounded ourselves with strong, positive role-models that can motivate us when we are just too tired to do it by ourselves. 
Yet, when it comes down to it, we are only too quick to turn on each other. The yoga classes and breathing techniques we've been practicing are sorely lacking in their power to help us channel our energy positively and we're back to talking about each other, comparing each other or rather, making sure that we do not get compared to each other at all. Huh Huh, OH NO! Calamity of all calamities! How could they compare us to each other? We're not  like each other.  We have "SO" moved on from this type of  behavior! How dare people even think such a thing? Yes, we have moved on. We've moved on to a more refined, more subtle way to get to each other. We do it by pretending that we are okay with each other when really we are not. We do it by ignoring our differences and indirectly ignoring each other but, we don't actually stop talking to each other. That would show that somehow we've let someone else steal our joy and in this day and age of seeking harmony and serenity, that would just be ridiculous, laughable, unbelievable.  Instead, we acknowledge each other with a mundane hello and a quick "how are you" just for the sake of civility, to prove that we are mature and wise, to show that we don't let people get to us even  even if we have to grind our teeth and suffer through a conversation.
We don't hate each other; hate is such a strong word. And plus, it would imply that we are being affected negatively by  people who really don't matter and if we let that happen, well,  they would be stealing our joy wouldn't they? And that's just not going to happen right? So, we can't hate each other.  We just dream about ripping each other's eyes out in secret. Wish we could wipe that stupid smile off of each other's faces whenever we cross path and just wonder about the truth behind the words we say to each other, secretly hoping to find fault with them.  There may be a burning hope inside us to hear that some of us are not doing as well as they could or should be doing because that would vindicate us for that time they talked down to us, made fun of us, lied to us or about us, wronged us or plain hurt us. We may not admit it because the feeling is so ugly but it happens all the same, sometimes unconsciously We don't want to talk about other women if they're doing well but we'll listen with seemingly bored interest but vengeful glee and inner satisfaction if they're in trouble.  We don't go as far as wishing they were dead, commiserate even when evil befalls them or their loved ones, after all there are things we don't wish on our worst enemies but if there's a reason why, we'd like to see them squirm or struggle if only a little.
And the reality is that sometimes there may be a reason. There may be a valid reason why some of us can't bring ourselves to genuinely smile at another woman, a serious reason why we can't stand to be near someone in particular. But when that is the case, we rarely find ourselves in each other's company, usually strive to live our lives away from each other so these would not be the women  we would be greeting with air kisses and fake smiles. Not the women we would see at parties because we run in the same circles. No. These would be the women we meet regularly or occasionally, the women we keep in touch with via email or chat with when we are on line.  The women we run into at social events, direct sales home parties and motivational seminars.
We are alike in so many ways, want so many of the same things but seem to lose our way when we are together.  What is it that causes this to happen? Is it competition? Is it our ego?  Is it the "who do you think you are trying to tell me what to do or how to do it" tidbit of our ego that has us ready to rebut every argument while pretending to keep our cool? ( I am so guilty of that!) Is it our ego that has us acting cynically, giving each other the cold shoulder while never discussing the real reason why?  Or is it a false sense of superiority? Some misguided sense of entitlement?  Some idea that we are better than other women because of our looks, our money, our last names, our connections or our accomplishments?  We find so many ways to put each other down and we do it, oh so well when we get together.  It finds its way in the middle of a conversation, is dropped as a comment, a look, a  disdainful greeting.  We know how to make each other feel bad without saying a word. We look through each other but not at each other, use that vague, distant look that sweeps all over us, do not  show any smile nor any awareness.  We forget to be kind. Kindness is for others, for the poor or the sick, the fragile and the weak.  But if our life is decent, if we're doing okay, then we can take a punch.  We learn to be sarcastic, staying at the edge of propriety but knowing fully well that there's bad blood brewing.  Yet, we are seeking inner peace and tranquility? Really?

Out of Left Field

You know how sometimes, something crosses your mind just like that, occasionally but you never really dwell on it? How you may think about a situation, something or someone but because it just isn't, wasn't much of anything, you just kind of brush it off?  Well, I have things that I think about like that and people who I think about like that, too.  People who I may have met once or twice in my lifetime, or people I may have interacted with as a child without really getting close to them. And so, I've been living my life thinking that I had pretty much adjusted to any and all irregularities in my life, whether they had a direct impact or just existed at the very far corner of my subconscious.  So imagine my surprise when today I started writing and what came out was completely unexpected.  I just had no idea I had these resentful feelings inside. They must have been buried way, way deep inside.  So deep in fact, that I surprised myself when what was meant to be a simple, brief journal entry dug up some old memories of things I thought I had completely forgotten, of things that I wish I had forgotten, things I didn't think meant anything to me. Some things are better left alone. The funny thing is I don't even recall what triggered these memories or caused the feelings associated with them to surface. They just did and before I knew it, I was writing a letter to someone who is no longer, expressing my regret but also my anger for what could have been, but wasn't.   This is a part of me I did not even know was there. 

And life goes on...

Gee I just read my last post and realized that it was all about my turning 40 and you know what? Even though, it's only been just a little over a month that I became a forty year-old woman, it feels like eons ago. Mabye it's because life just kind of took over and everything fell back into place.  Since my big 4-0 birthday, so much has happened! I was away from my house and went up north to visit my sister who had twins for 17 days. I came back home utterly exhausted from helping her out but happy to have spent time with my little darlings only to get ready for company.  So, I've been busy, way too busy to have had time to dwell on how it feels to be forty. I'm still enjoying the newness of it all I guess; I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm forty, still getting used to saying it and hearing others referring to me as a forty-year old woman.  I'm still learning to think of myself in those terms.  Anyway, I think I've pretty much embraced the idea that turning 40 is the beginning of the best years of my life and I intend to keep it that way. 
Now, to get back to life: Things are happening all around me. Even though the economy is bad, there are some who still manage to achieve big things and to go places.  I'm so happy when I see that! At least, they're not letting the circumstances hold them down.  So much has happened in the last couple of months I feel like I've run a marathon.  On top of my regular load of teaching, mothering my son and being a spouse, I've handled a first communion, have celebrated a major milestone birthday as well as my tenth wedding anniversary and, have helped my sister with her twins for close to two weeks. Whew!!! Just thinking about it has me out of breath! All the little parts of me indeed! To be simultaneously the professional, the mother, the wife and the sister I need to be is it any wonder I've lost forty pounds so far this year? It's not always like this, Thank God!!! I wouldn't be able to handle this kind of rhythm on a regular basis. 
Actually, I lie.  While this year may be a little more stressful because it came packed with important dates of events to celebrate, life has been hectic for a while. I just never seem to be be able to reach a point where I'm just serene and where nothing but the ordinary is happening. No, on the contrary, every time hubby and I seem to finally be getting to the point where we can just live peacefully, life takes a wild turn and the shock waves come. And believe me, we do not ask for it. I for one, would be very happy to live an uneventful life, if only for a year. I won't say if only for a day because we do have good days but it never goes further than a couple of months. Without fault, something always comes up that upsets the rythm of life after a few months and we just have to go with the flow.  Last year, well last year, there was a major earthquake in Haiti, our native land and, God knows that was a terrible upset to our life. And before that, well, there was fighting for our boy... There's always fighting for our boy.  When all else fails, we can always count on the public schools to create some excitement in our lives since they've taken a pledge to make it as hard as they possibly can for special needs students and their families... Still, I do think that this year is by far, the busiest, most hectic we've had in a while. And I pray that we'll be able to go back to normal. Well, our normal that is. Later!

I'm Forty!!!

I'm forty-years old! Me!!! Oh My God! I know. I know that age is nothing but a number but when that number now applies directly to me, the truth is that age is then a little more than just a number... So I've been forty for three days now and it feels... weird, sexy, a little scary...  I've reached a milestone and depending on who I talk to, I'm either "over the hill", officially "old" or, about to start the best years of my life as a woman.  I'm nervous about being forty. I'm not going to lie. I've only been forty for three days and I already miss my thirties. Funny enough, I don't miss my twenties, well, I miss my twenty-year old body but I don't miss being a twenty year old. I didn't know enough and I made silly mistakes when I was in my twenties but my thirties were something else. It was in my thirties that I really started building my life. Whatever foundations I had laid in my twenties, I either reinforced or took apart to lay back differently in my thirties. I was making my way, forging ahead in my thirties, finding my own direction. I also found out a lot about myself, about who I was as a person in my thirties. I've lived the toughest times of my life in my thirties and survived to tell the tale and I'm really proud of that.  Yep. I loved my thirties.  I've always been very social and during my thirties, I fully explored that side of my personality.  I mc'ed a few weddings for friends, hosted girls' nights and attended different group activities. I listened to music, went out dancing, showed my support for some bands and felt it was OK to be silly, to be seized by a fit of laughter when with friends and to laugh until I was out of breath. The best part was that my parents no longer had any authority over me.  Parents may still hover over you in your twenties but they definitely let go, they finally stop treating you like a kid for good in your thirties. So  I was an adult who was seeing what it meant to have complete freedom.  The freedom of being in charge of myself, of  earning a living so that I did not need any handouts from my parents and could do exactly as I pleased. Things got though but I also found out in my thirties that it was OK to need help if things got tough along the way because it had already been established that I was a responsible adult and could take care of myself.  By the same token, I also started paying attention to what was happening in my community, in my country, in the world.  I became more interested in politics, following the news, staying informed and researching potential candidates.  It became important to me to know more about my party and those whose work in government affected my life.  I realized that I had a voice and that I could be heard if I chose to speak up.  In my thirties, I became more comfortable with my faith, not understanding everything but embracing the idea that there was a God and that I believed in Him.  I became a mother in my thirties, too. And it changed my life.  So that's why I loved my thirties. 
But now I'm forty and yes, I am nervous.  Even tough, in many instances, 35 to 44 year-old are often lumped together in the same group, I feel like there are new expectations associated with being forty maybe because of all these "over the hills jokes".  What will being forty feel like? What will it be like?  Will I stop listening to music or will I still  like it? And if I still like it, will I be weird, eccentric? Nah... I don't really care about being labeled weird or eccentric anyway.  But, will I still enjoy dancing or will my body force me to stop? Right now I don't feel it but what about a year from now?  Will I still get the giggles whenever I think of something funny and will I let myself laugh it out?  So all these questions about what will change and what will stay the same are making me nervous now that I'm officially a mature woman.  Well, if I'm to believe those statistical forms, I've been a mature woman since I was 35 but still.. 
I'm also curious about being forty... Maybe because I'm thinking about all those things they usually say about women in their forties and I'm wondering if there's any truth to them. You know what I'm talking about: "The forties are the best years of a woman's life" or that "women reach their sexual peak at forty..." Yes, these sayings...I'm curious to see if any of them will hold true for me. And, because I'm curious to see what happens in my forties, I'm also excited. Who would not be excited to know that they're about to reach their sexual peak, c'mon!!! And then, I feel "old", like officially "old". Now, when they talk about people being over the hill, I'll be included in that group. Yikes! That's a tough one to think about. Why over the hill? It's not like I have nothing left to look forward to.  I still have many things I'd like to accomplish, many dreams that I'd like to see come true.  I may have climbed many hills but I feel like I haven't been on top of my personal hill, yet. I'm not completely satisfied with my life. I'm not at a point where I can sit down, cross my arms, look around and say "I did good and now I'm done". I wonder if any forty year-old has ever done that? Well, I can't. I'm not done. I still need to do things, still need to live my life. I still have a few dreams that I'd like to pursue and a few crazy things I'd like to try. And in a way, turning forty kind of makes me feel like I've finally reached a point where I don't have to explain what I'm doing to anyone except to the person who's sharing my life journey with me, the one who's living it all with me. It's as if turning forty has finally set me free, legitimized my adulthood, my right to want to live life on my own terms without worrying so much about what those around me may think because now, I'm not just an adult. I'm an "over the hill" adult. So no more "you still have a lot to learn" or, "you're still young" or, as they like to say in creole "se pa vini wap vini"(which means you're getting there... Your turn will come type of thing). I feel liberated, adult, mature, yet vibrant, sexy, confident in my ability to make decisions for my life and that of my family, secure in the knowledge that I have lived a little, seen some crap, dealt with it and now know better than to jump in with my eyes shut closed. And, that, to tell you the truth makes me feel pretty powerful, in control. I think I'm going to still love reading romance novels, still enjoy writing, dancing and listening to music but I feel like now I'm living life with my eyes wide open.   It's in me. I feel it. It's just... different. C'est comme une ebullition, like something in me is rumbling and is about to erupt, to come free, like some energy that's been tightly contained and is now just begging for release. And as a result, a few months back, I started to live more intensely, to really enjoy dancing in my husband's arms, to breathe in the smell of my perfume, to slowly sip my glass of wine. I take more pleasure than before in doing those things that are satisfying to me and I fight harder for those things that are important or vital to the well-being of those I care about and, to my well-being as well.  Accrued confidence and clarity of mind and purpose. The forties. I think I'm going to like it here.  Welcome to the Sexy Forties. Cheers!

Cincinnati

We go to Cincinnati once a year or once every two years as needed.  Most of the times it's just C and I. When things are more serious, like when C was having major surgery in 2005, my husband comes, too. He may come with us, leave to go back to work then come back just to be there.  This year it was just the two of us again. My son is such a trooper I have to say.  He goes there all excited about getting on a plane, waits stoically to be seen by the doctors, goes through a bit of anxiety and manages to remain calm all the times in between. Sometimes, I wish he could tell me how he's feeling about all of this. He's been going since he was two and half. He was probably too young to remember what happened that far back, which is a good thing since the worst happened back then, but he went back when he was three, four, five and six years old. Right at six, they(the doctors) told us that we could wait two years before coming back and we did.  Luckily, nothing happened during that time to make us go earlier and so, this past Sunday, C and I boarded a plane and flew to Cincinnati to go see the doctors.  I don't like going to Cincinnati. I don't know anyone there. Well, I know some of the moms I met when C and I stayed at the Ronald McDonald's House for three months but we didn't keep in touch so bottom line: I don't know anyone there. When I go to Cincinnati, the hospital is the friendliest place I can find. There, they know my son is a patient.  They know what we go through, the anxiety of it all and they really try to help us out anyway they can.  There's a family resource room where I go sometimes just to kill time while waiting.  Sometimes I go there with C but there are times when I just to "breathe" and see other people, get on line or, just to be off the surgery or main floor. I didn't go this time around. I probably should have but I just didn't. Now, the hospital gift shop, I always visit. C loves it there. He always, always finds something he wants there and, though I say no to many of his requests, I usually end up buying him one thing. Why not? He's there by himself, away from home, away from his familiar environment so why not? And the other place we usually visit is the cafeteria. I like it there, too. Not so much because of their hot food, nothing spectacular there really but because of their soup, salad and cold product compartment. This time, I went for their pita chips and hummus but C could not eat most of the things there so he only had chocolate milk. Still, it's somewhere to go and just sit for a few minutes. The Guest Services Department is really good, too. They actually offer rides to the neighboring drugstores and the drivers do many runs throughout the day. I needed to go to a Walgreens or CVS this time around and they were able to arrange for one of their drivers to take me there, wait for me and bring me back to the hospital. They also offer discounted tickets to family attractions in the area but I've never used those. There's just no time for that when we go to Cincinnati. The only time we were in Cincinnati long enough for something like that to happen, C was hospitalized for two weeks straight then had to stay put at the Ronald McDonald House and go to the hospital for checkups.  I must say, the Ronald McDonald House is the best option by far for families with kids who have to be there for a long time.  They have two playrooms, a nice playground and provide many different kinds of activities for the kids themselves and for their families throughout the week.  I was able to stay there twice or was it three times out of all the times I had to bring C to Cincinnati. It also helps in the finance department since they use a sliding scale to charge for the room. I was very grateful for their hospitality while I was there and being just across the street from the hospital really helped, too. The only thing is that they have a looooong waiting list and families have no guarantee that they will get a room there. When you call to tell them that you will be in town on such and such date, they ask that you book a room at a hotel, ask for your phone number and contact you if, and only if a room frees up. I think they go by priority: The neediest families are always given priority based on their child's medical  condition and treatment needs. When C needed to stay in Cincinnati for those three months, they considered us a priority so we got a room pretty fast. The other two times, we were just lucky. And thankful.  I've been going to Cincinnati long enough to have stayed at a hotel that closed two years ago. It was a historical hotel and it had become our regular home away from home whenever we were in town and were not able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House.  Funny to think that it no longer exists... We've also stayed at a hotel that was located in the heart of downtown Cincinnati and, at another one that was right across the river in Kentucky.  That was the same one we stayed at this time.  Last time I was there, I guess that would be two years ago, C and I went to a really nice shopping mall in Covington, Kentucky. That was one of the nicest thing I ever did there. They have an aquarium, some shops, a movie theater and C and I had lunch at one of the restaurants located inside the mall.  It was pretty nice and, it provided a welcome distraction from the real reason we were there. That last time,  C's aunt also came to visit us with her family.  It was nice to see some familiar faces and we all sat together and had lunch at the hotels' restaurant. She didn't come this time around; she couldn't but it was just as well because we had no gap long enough in between our appointments that would have allowed us to spend more than one hour together. I didn't want her to drive two hours or more just to see us for one hour, especially since we just saw each other back home when she came to my house for C's First Communion. We're home now and assuming all goes well, we won't be going back to Cincinnati for another two years.