Becoming The Mother He Needs Me To Be

People who meet me as a parent are always surprised at my tenacity.  When I react to something that I don't agree with, or decide on a course of actions, they act like "Whoa, where did that come from?" But why?  I'm just one of millions of parents who do what needs to be done every day for their kids.  What's so surprising about that?  But if they knew me, knew my story, maybe they would understand.  I'm the girl who refused to listen when the priest came to the chapel where I was praying that fateful night the hospital called us my husband and I, to say that it didn't look like our son was going to make it. He was trying to tell me that I needed to accept God's will but I refused to listen to him and instead, turned directly to the altar and kept praying. I was determined to fight for my kid and although, it looked like the the end was near, I didn't just sit around and waited for it to come.  I didn't want my son to die and my faith taught me that, when it looks like all is lost, you call God.  I wasn't going to accept this diagnosis without a fight.  I still remember how I felt that night and what I was thinking. "As long as my son is still breathing, I'm going to keep praying and keep asking God to spare his life". And boy did I pray!!! I prayed hard! I prayed completely inhibited because I was desperate. I knew this was a desperate situation. I had already been told but I loved my baby and wanted nothing more than to see him live.  This moment was like walking through a ring of fire. In my mind, I was saying "it ain't over until it's actually over.  No matter what the doctors and nurses said, as long as my baby is still breathing, it's not over so I'm going to keep on praying and crying and begging God for my son to live until there's no more reason to pray!" Thank God, I didn't need to get to that point. My son made it through that night ( I really hate thinking about that night). I can't even get past that moment to work on my next book but that's another story for another post.  Let's get back to this one.  So when people are surprised at my tenacity, at how hard I fight for my son, they should understand one thing:  I'm not going to give up.  I'm going to keep fighting for him, for his well-being, for his chance at independence and at living a good life. They need to understand what I went through and where I'm coming from to truly understand how I became the mother, the woman I am today and, why I don't just accept platitudes and excuses.  I'm the girl who doesn't back down, the girl who doesn't stop trying, doesn't stop fighting to get her son what she feels he needs to get better, to move ahead. I will always choose to fight until there's no more reason to fight, but until then, fight I will. My son has taught me to be persistent, to be bold and to seek answers. He needed me to become that mother. I didn't see it right away but it got clearer as time went on.  So now, when I have something to take care of, especially when it comes to my kid, I don't give up. If people try to write him off, to portray him as something he's not, as less than he is simply because they don't understand his needs, or sadly, because they do not want to take the time to get to know him, do not want to really help him, I speak up. I do not accept preconceived ideas and judgmental attitudes and I can smell them a mile away.  I'm the girl who makes phone calls, seeks information, researches the problem.  I talk to people, voice my concerns, ask questions and ask for help, too.  I don't always get what I want, what I hope for but it doesn't cross my mind one minute not to to try.  If one thing doesn't pan out, I try another. If one person doesn't listen or doesn't help, I keep trying, keep looking until I find someone who will listen because I've learned to do that: Not to give up until there's no other choice but to give in. I didn't think I had it in me. But apparently I do. By the grace of God, I do. 

Easter Reflections

Easter always brings me so much joy. It's really the culmination of my Christian faith, of its core beliefs. And where would I be without my faith? How many times have I come close to giving up hope, of despairing only to get back up and keep fighting the good fight because I have faith?  Listen, you may not believe what I believe and that's fine. I'm not here to tell you what to believe and how to live your life but I am sharing with you what brings me peace and gives me joy.  So whether you are of the Christian faith or not, believe in God or not, I urge you to find that something.  Find that something that fills you with a sense of peace and, when you do find it, hold on to it, cultivate it and nurture it and you will be surprised to see how much more grounded it makes you, how much more joy you find in everyday things.  So my message to you on this Easter Sunday is to find that something that fills you with a sense of peace, gives you hope and creates joy in your heart.  

I'm happy to have found mine. I'm grateful for the gift of faith that I've had since I was a little girl.  I'm in no way an expert, do not have what others call a prophetic faith but I cultivate a simple, strong and steady faith in God.  It doesn't mean that I don't get mad, angry or tired or, that I don't wonder why my life has been so full of trials and tribulations but, faith allows me to go on, to look past all the hurts, the anxiety and the stress and, to look for reasons to smiles, to be grateful.  It allows me to understand and feel other people's pain, to show compassion.  It helps me acknowledge my conscience, to hear that little voice in my head that cautions me when I'm about to embark on a dangerous path.  It doesn't make me a saint at all but it is a great ally on this journey full of uncertainties.  It allows me to feel connected to others, despite our differences, to think about ideas and examine messages from a different perspective.  Because of my faith, I remain optimistic about humanity and believe in the impossible, in the good that cannot be explained or justified.  I believe in miracles, in angels, both the ones traditionally described in story books and the ones who cross our paths as regular people.  Yes, I am very naive in some aspects but it hasn't really hurt me.  I'm still a fighter; I still speak up and take on fights that by all accounts are lost before they are even begun but that doesn't stop me from trying.  I struggle to understand the purpose behind a people's plea, individual sufferings but it doesn't turn me away from God.  Do I question all of that?  Of course I do! Sometimes I am perplexed by all I am witnessing: The hate, the selfishness, the cruelty but that, I tell myself, is not what I believe.  There are people who may use the name of God to justify hate, divisiveness and violence but I don't believe God condones any of these things.  I think people try to manipulate His message to fit their own narratives but I'm always careful about following any one person.  I know there are arguments against Christianity just like there are some against other faiths but I hold on to the basic tenets of Jesus' message:  Love and compassion.  That's it. These two ideas make up the core of my beliefs in the Christian faith.  Everything else is circumstantial and open to interpretations but whenever I'm in doubt, whenever I have questions, I go back to those two basic elements: Love and compassion.  Happy Easter Friends!

Miami Book Fair The Big Read Miami 2016 @Big Night in Little Haiti March...

Friday Evening, March 18th of 2016 was really special.  I was in great
company as part of a panel of Haitian-American authors invited to share
their stories under the sponsorship of The Miami Book Fair Big Read
initiative. The theme was immigration, immigrant experience and, so all
of us authors, shared pieces that reflected our immigrant experiences. 
It truly was a most delightful evening.  The star author, whose book,
Brother I'm Dying, is being featured during The Big Read campaign,
Edwidge Danticat, was also in attendance.  I was able to meet her and we
even exchanged a few words.  She was warm, welcoming, encouraging words
and even offered some words of advice to help me get over my fear of
emotional breakdown as I try to write my son's story.  This truly was a
very special evening. 

A love that endures.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I wrote up a short piece to describe this eluding feeling called love. Of course, this is just my idea of love for, I'm sure, there are as many different definitions of love as there are people walking on the face of this earth. So I wrote about love. I didn't really want to make it sound all pretty and nice and all of that. I wanted to write from a place of authenticity, a place that felt real to me  so to this effect, I tried to think, really think about what I've come to consider love to be.  I didn't want to write about the sappy, puppy-eyed type of love but, about a love that endures, the one that stands the test of time, of life's challenges and tribulations.
I know love grows and changes, goes through stages.  At first, it's all consuming, gets you all in knots and causes your heart to skip a beat or two. You're at the head-over-hills in love, can't get enough of each other stage but then, if you're lucky enough, if it lasts long enough, these feelings grow into something more; they become the type of love that is solid, powerful and consistent; they blossom into an enduring, nurturing emotion:  The kind of love you can depend on, the kind of love that makes you rush home to tell someone about your day, to share your upsets and your shines, your impressions, your opinions.  It's good to have this kind of love, too. It's also the kind of love that makes you stay when life makes you feel like running, the kind of love that turns into devotion. The love you feel for someone, whether a spouse, partner, child or children, family member(s) that gives you the strength to fight and support dreams that are not yours. It's the kind of love that pushes you to take care of a sick loved one, to look after the ones who are vulnerable, to fight for their rights to live a good life. That's the love I've come to believe in and that's the kind of love I highlight in my new piece. So here it is:


A Love that Endures

A driving force, crazy feeling        
An emotion, aberration.                           
Inspiration and sensation,             
Uncontrollable attraction.
Racing heart, heated body.
This need to see, to touch, to hear
A longing for the one we miss.
A willingness to sacrifice,
To give up time, to find a way.
To twist and turn any which way
Just for a smile, just to see joy.
To push, encourage and support,
And stand close in a raging storm.
A gladness, a sense of rightness,
Thankfulness for the simplest things.
Watching life unfold side by side,
Eating a meal, drinking coffee.
Appreciating, savoring
The quiet times, the big moments.
Growing and learning, making waves
Having fun or crying out.
What a blessing, what a gift
How precious is love that endures.

By Rebecca N Carmant
February 13, 2016
All Rights Reserved

Raising C.: Reading resource for hyperlexia and autism

Raising C.: Reading resource for hyperlexia and autism: C's speech and language therapist recently started using a new program to help improve his reading comprehension.  She did some research...

All The Little Parts Of Me.: Joy Doesn't Mean Ignoring the Negative

All The Little Parts Of Me.: Joy Doesn't Mean Ignoring the Negative: You know, I'm naturally optimistic, I would say even joyful.  I soothe myself by singing or dancing to music. I did it as a kid growing ...

Joy Doesn't Mean Ignoring the Negative

You know, I'm naturally optimistic, I would say even joyful.  I soothe myself by singing or dancing to music. I did it as a kid growing up and still do today.  I could have just gotten in trouble at home, I remember, could be really upset. I would go through those moments, cry or brood in a corner then, when the moment has passed, would start humming. So all in all, I'd say I know how to pick myself up. However, in the interest of honesty, I must say that I don't understand why people are not allowed to feel what they feel anymore. You know, feelings exist for a reason.  There's happy, sad, excited, angry, moody, gloomy, you know the whole array. Yet, these days, there's a notion that only positive feelings should be expressed and I want to challenge that. Why? Why should people only express their joy but not their sadness? Their excitement but not their anger? I completely understand the issue concerning anger and the danger associated with individuals who suffer from mental illness and need their moods regulated medically. I understand and advocate for that. I'm talking about the average person here, the one who's living life independently, has a job and takes care of herself or himself. So these folks are not allowed to have a bad day? Not allowed to have a moment of distress? Is that realistic? Actually I got it wrong. I believe it's "of course they can have their bad days. They will have bad days. Everyone does. They're just not allowed to acknowledge it publicly". God forbid they do that. They are criticized, chastised, judged. Seriously?  Everyone is looking for their own nirvana, a universe where everything is ever so peaceful, harmonious.  Shoot! I'd love to get to that place, too! I love nothing more than a couple of days problem-free. Can we really go through life ignoring or pushing away all the negative feelings without dealing with them? If we do so, aren't we repressing them and, if that's the case, won't they come out at some point, causing us to act impulsively?

I don't know but I always felt better when I expressed my feelings. I could choose to talk to someone about them or, to write about them in a journal. I could also just allow myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling before I reflect on it. OK. So this happened and this made me really angry. What can I do about it? Or, there was a death in my family and, I'm saddened by the loss. I'm mourning. The whole time I'm going through this, I don't really fell like being chirpy. I don't really want to force myself to participate in anything. I just want to wallow for a little bit in my feelings, especially if I'm dealing with a loss. I know people mourn in different ways and that's mine. If I'm angry, I seek out a friendly ear. It could be my husband, one of my siblings or a friend. I vent. I may cursed if the situation warrants it; I may do some research to find out what I can do to get myself out of whatever is causing me grief. The whole time I'm dealing with this, I'm not feeling positive necessarily.  I may not be productive either, not at first anyway; by the end of that cycle maybe. Either way, these times exist in everybody's life and they are real. They're part of life. I like to use the phrase "live an authentic life" so I like to be honest with myself or at least, I try to be, as often and as much as I can. I know who I am. I know I'm naturally upbeat but that doesn't mean that I don't have moments when I don't feel that great, when I want to talk about whatever it is that's on my mind, whatever it is that's bothering me.
I mean, this is life. Life is made of of a series of problems that we try to overcome as best we can and, yes, we strive to live our best life in between but we still deal with stuff, stuff that may not be very pretty so excuse-me if I'm not your escape for the day.  While I enjoy posting motivational and encouraging posts, I also like to talk about some of the challenges I encounter.  Doing so gives me clarity and helps me gain some perspective.
The good thing is that dealing with them, talking about my challenges, it does not take away my joy. The joy is always there, inside. I've always had it and it has helped carry me through many difficult times. Joy is what allows me to sing a happy song, to enjoy dancing and to laugh at the old reruns of a comedy show on TV. I think I have plenty of reasons not to have joy, really. Then again, it's all about how you look at it.  The whole "is the glass half-empty" or "half-full" business. I guess mine is half-full since I always remind myself that, as bad as things are, they could be much worse, that there are people who have it much worse than me.  Things may not be perfect in my life; no, let me correct that. Things are far from perfect but I still love the people I'm sharing my life with. They make me smile and I enjoy living every day with them. I love seeing my son, autistic, complex medical history and all, I love spending time with him, love him to pieces and when I listen to music, I like to make him dance with me. I love that. I love laughing at jokes with my husband even as we may be dealing with a serious problem, something that may not be resolved right away but I love those moments we have. I love taking part in different types of activities, love being part of life. But even with all of that, I still like to keep it real. I say it like this: It's called life. Live and learn. It is what it is. I like to deal with things so if I choose to talk about something that upsets me, that's what I'll do. Then later, when I'm over it, or I guess when the intensity of the moment has passed, I listen to some music.

If you live in the South Florida area. You can catch my first ever tv interview on the show New Haitian Generation.  It will air tonight at 8pm on Becon TV, channel 19 or 63.  Not sure if you can watch it on line but you can always try to google it and watch the show in real time.  I really enjoy connecting with my readers and telling them the story behind a piece I wrote.  I hope I'll get to do that a lot more.  Until next time...

Don't Be Afraid to Ask

This post is a pep talk to my soul. It's about God, my christian faith and the way I think about praying.  It's a little complicated but it is something that I struggle with, something I've been trying to confront for awhile but had not yet found the words for.

I attended church yesterday. Yes, I do go to church and, part of the homily was about not being afraid to ask God for what we want. One of the stories they read was about the time Mary asked Jesus to perform His first miracle by turning water into wine. I don't remember exactly what the priest said but I remember him explaining how Mary had complete confidence in Jesus' ability to do something to change the situation.  She had faith in Him and, because she had faith, she asked and waited. She knew He would do something.
I'm talking about this because I've been struggling with specifically that: Asking. In fact, I am absolutely afraid to ask. Not because I don't believe in God. I do. I believe God exists, I believe in His Love, in His Peace and His Faithfulness. Yet, there are things I am afraid to ask Him.
You see, God was there for me and answered my prayers when I was in a very dark place in my life, when I thought I was about to lose my son, when doctors told me to brace myself and get ready for the worst.  He was there when I was desperate and had no more words to pray, no more strength.  I would cry alone in my car and would talk to Him then. I would be in bed and would cry quietly, afraid someone would hear me.  God was there for these times. For my son, for my husband.  He saw me through these really hard times and He answered my prayers. When doctors only had bad news, when they told me to come say goodbye to my son that one night or, to get our affairs in order because they didn't believe there was a chance of survival that other time, I lost it. I yelled, I cried but I prayed. I prayed with tears, while sobbing but I prayed. These were really, really hard times for me and then, it did not come to pass, the predictions didn't come true.  And that's why I feel like, since He granted me such great victories, I should never ask for anything that isn't related to life or death, no matter how bad things get, how bleak the times. I feel like He gave me such great gifts, such wonderful reasons to be happy already and, I am so grateful that I am afraid to ask for anything else.  What else could matter more than life itself, I tell myself?  Is it weird? Maybe. I don't know.

I wonder if anybody else goes through this or if it's just me but it's definitely hindering my optimism. After going through so much crap and coming out on the other side, I just don't feel like I should be asking for anything else.  After all, I get to see the people I love every day when I came so close to losing them and it really was nothing short of a miracle that they are alive today so when I pray, I am afraid to ask for anything that is not life-changing. Oh, I'll pray about the things I assume everybody who prays, prays about: Thanking God for His Blessings and the things I do have; I'll ask that He continues to watch over the ones I love but I always hesitate to ask for more, for anything related to financial stability for example. I will pray about jobs and such, for my family, for anyone I know needing a prayer but when it comes to me, I feel like I was so immensely blessed already by having my family here with me today, when I was told that it wouldn't be so, that I just don't really feel like I should ask for anything more. It's a real struggle, it really is. Who am I to ask for more when I already got so much of what I really wanted already? I tell myself. I have all that really matters, I remind myself all the time.  Does this mean I don't think I'm worthy of more? Of more blessings? I don't think so. I just feel that the blessings I have received are so precious, that should be it, I shouldn't ask for anything else, not unless it's a desperate situation in which case, I know He will be there for me because He was before when I hit rock bottom and He always is. I trust that He knows my needs and my wants so I leave it at that and do not speak them out loud, do not mention them when I pray.  The scriptures say "Ask and you shall receive." I was reminded again at church:  "You should ask".  And yet, I have a hard time asking.
So how do I get past this? How do I get past this feeling of "No, I shouldn't. He gave me so much already? So what if things are not perfect. I'll survive. As long as the most important people in my life are OK, I can take anything else." How do I get past that?  Because that's how it's been. I'm stuck at that stage and can't seem to move on from there. It's pitiful. Don't be afraid to ask. Maybe I feel ungrateful when I think of asking for other things. Things that don't pertain to life or death but would help improve my life. I should. I should clear my head and embrace this complete, absolute faith.  I should try to just go for it next time I pray. I need to let go of that survivor guilt, because really, that's kind of what this is, I think. I shouldn't feel undeserving of nothing else when I believe so strongly that I am precious in the eyes of God, that His love for me is greater than I can imagine. I have to push past those feelings and ask with faith, knowing that things may not happen as I expect them to, in my own timing but, that good things will happen. So ok. Don't be afraid to ask.

All The Little Parts Of Me.: So Many Expectations

All The Little Parts Of Me.: So Many Expectations: So many people expect us to be so many things. Everyone has an idea of how we should act, what we she should say, what we should share.  But...

So Many Expectations

So many people expect us to be so many things. Everyone has an idea of how we should act, what we she should say, what we should share.  But at the end of the day, we have to make the decision.  We have to think about the consequences of our actions and decide whether any consequence that may come as a result of our choices is one we can live with.  It's as simple as that.  When I was growing up, my dad used to say in French "Il faut souffrir les consequences de vos inconsequences" which means something like "you must face the consequences of your inconsequences" which really means that we should accept the price of our irresponsible choices.  This phrase has become a tune that's been playing in my head a lot lately.  It stays there like a warning bell that goes off on any given day, at any given time and it has sort of become my guiding light.  
I realize that everyone holds expectations of other people but, some of these expectations are so unrealistic, not to say unfair.  I'm not a licensed therapist nor a life coach or anything like that. What I write is based on my experiences and reflections; I'm just thinking out loud about what I'm discovering as I follow my own path.  So to go back to those expectations: Everyone has them. We all carry expectations for ourselves and others and we don't even realize the kind of pressure we may be putting on each other because of them.  There's a difference, I think, between having expectations and rooting for someone to do well. Expectations to me, carry a judgmental undertone whereas support doesn't.  Expectations are nuanced by our opinions of what and how certain things should be done whereas positive support is just that: Encouragement, boost of confidence.  And you can see the difference.  Some of us take it personal when someone doesn't  fulfill our expectations.  We distance ourselves, stop offering support.  But is that fair?  Is it fair to impose our expectations, which may be a reflection of our own values, our own principles, on someone else? To demand that a friend, family member, co-worker or public figure behave in a way that meets our approval even if it may not meet theirs or someone else's?  Better yet, do we truly understand what's going on  in a person's life to the point of claiming to know what the better way is? Do we? 
We hurt each other so much when we do these things:  Impose expectations, sometimes reasonable but sometimes so very unrealistic.  And we assume so much about each other. Boy do we ever love to assume that we know, that we understand. How can we say that we know or understand what's going on with someone when we have never really spoken with them other than in passing, to exchange mere greetings or pleasantries? It occurred to me today that some of the "people" I think about in one way or another, and I'll admit, some I don't think of in such a nice way, I've never really had a real conversation with the entire time that I've known them.  I know them... May have known them for a long time even, but I have never actually had a one-on-one conversation with them to really get to know them or hear their thoughts on anything. I may talk to them in a group setting, may see them interact with others from afar but I don't really know them.  Yet, I've developed these assumptions, ideas and expectations based on just my impression of them.  I don't know whether my impressions are founded or not but, they were enough to influence my decisions and shape my behavior.   Whether consciously or unconsciously, I adapted my behavior to my expectations, even though those expectations were based on nothing more than very superficial feelings. So that got me thinking... If this is happening with me and I consider myself pretty mellow and open, it is probably happening to a lot of other folks.  Hmmm... 
I don't like the idea of having to fulfill a whole bunch of expectations from a whole bunch of different people.  More than anything, I want to hold on to my sense of self and work on bettering the person that I am, not bend and twist to meet others' expectations of who I should be.  And in so doing, I'm slowly coming to the realization that this will come with a price.  People will fade out of our lives as new ones come in.  We will be judged for better or worse, regardless of the direction we take so, what do we do? How about just staying true to ourselves and embracing that golden rule, the one that says "Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You" ?  We can't spend our lives trying to fulfill everyone's expectations, even if those people are near and dear to us.  It's not realistic but, if we carry this principle to treat others as we would like to be treated, at least, we'll know that we are trying our best to live a good life, to live a life where we can look at ourselves in the mirror and, even as we'll see the flaws of our imperfections, we will also see clear eyes and our authentic self. I think that's enough to get us started.  The rest, we'll figure out as we go.